- Tommy: Let's think about this for a sec, Ted, why do they put a guarantee on a box? Hmm, very interesting.
Ted : I'm listening.
Tommy : Here's how I see it. A guy puts a guarantee on the box 'cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside.
Ted : Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy : 'Course it does. Ya think if you leave that box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter.
Ted : What's your point?
Tommy : The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy, but we're not buying it. Next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up, I seen it a hundred times.
Ted : But why do they put a guarantee on the box then?
Tommy : Because they know all they solda ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is. Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for right now, for your sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality item from me.
Ted : Hmm. Okay, I'll buy from you.
Tommy : Well I... What?
- Gas Station Employee : I'm picking up your sarcasm.
Richard Hayden : Well, I should hope so, because i'm laying it on pretty thick.
- Tommy : I left a message.
Richard Hayden : Really, what number did you call?
Tommy : Two, four, niner, five, six, seven...
Richard Hayden : I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I catch a niner
in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
Tommy : It was a cordless.
Richard Hayden : You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.
- Richard Hayden : I can practically hear you getting fatter.
- Richard Hayden : Your dad could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves.
- Tommy : Did you hear I graduated?
Richard Hayden : Yeah and just a shade under a decade. All right.
Tommy : You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.
Richard Hayden : I know, they're called doctors.
- Tommy : Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
Mr. Brady: [confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here.
Tommy : No, I meant, you can get a good look at a T-bone steak by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.
Richard : [embarrased] Wow.
- [Saying it correctly]
Tommy : You can take a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a bull's ass, but wouldn't you rather take the butcher's word for it?
- [Richard knocks on the door impersonating the maid while Tommy tries to sleep]
Richard Hayden : Housekeeping, you want me for pillow?
Tommy : Please go away let me sleep FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
Richard Hayden : Housekeeping, you want me jerk you off?
Tommy : What kind of hotel is this?
[Opens door]
Tommy : Who the hell are... Oh it's you.
Richard Hayden : Good morning, Sunshine.
- Tommy : Does this suit make me look fat?
Richard Hayden : No, your face does.
- Tommy : Look at 'em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she's perfect. Which one d'you want? Huh, huh, huh?... Alright.
Paul : Does it make a difference?
Tommy : Oh yeah. Wait a second. Is this your first time?
Paul : Yeah Tommy, it is.
Tommy : God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before. Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh. She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push.
Paul : And?
Tommy : They fall over, hee, hee, hee.
Paul : And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb?
Tommy : We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas.
- Richard Hayden : Okay, it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no...?
Tommy : No shit from anyone.
Richard Hayden : No.
Tommy : Um, we don't take no prisoners.
Richard Hayden : We don't take no for answer.
Tommy : Right.
- Richard Hayden : It's called reading-top to bottom-left to right-group words together into sentences-take tylenol for any headaches-midol for any cramps.
- Tommy : Richard, were you watching Spank-travision?
Richard Hayden : Okay let's get some shut eye.
Tommy : Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh what's his name? Buddy Whackett?
- Tommy : [They pull up by a tree] Lord I never had to tinkle so bad in all my life.
[Richard begins driving away]
Tommy : What the? Oh Richard you're a riot. Stop the car. Son of a. What the hell's gotten into you? My thing got stuck in my zipper and I got piss all over my pants.
- [As Richard is adjusting Tommy's tie, it comes off]
Tommy : Huh, huh, it's a clip-on
Richard Hayden : Are you sure?
- Tommy : Hey, What's your name?
Waitress: Helen.
Tommy : That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, were both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into some guys office and let's say hes even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. The pet is my possible sale. Oh , my pretty little pet, I love you. So I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it, hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet, your naughty. Then I take my naughty pet and I go ( makes ripping noises as he tears apart the roll) Uuuuuuh. I killed it. I killed my sale. That's when I blow it. That's when people like us gotta forge ahead Helen, am I right?
Helen : God your sick."
- [Richard and Tommy almost got in a car accident]
Richard Hayden : Hey... I was just thinking... when we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.
Tommy : Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.
Richard Hayden : True. But you can't latch the hood too well, if you don't take the can out, you no-selling waste of space. I swear to God, you're worthless.
- [Tommy sees a pretty woman. Richard is watching from his window]
Richard Hayden : Scram Tommy. Don't give her the weight room thing.
[Tommy approaches her acting muscular and buff]
Tommy : Do you know where the weight room is? I'll check it out.
- Paul : You eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?
Tommy : Ha ha ha, why?
- Tommy : [Tommy running into a glass wall] Ow, That's gonna leave a mark.
- Tommy : Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel INTO A GODDAMNED BRIDGE EMBUNKMENT.
- Tommy : Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.
- [Richard needs Big Tom to sign some documents]
Richard Hayden : I need your John Hancock.
[Tommy Boy scoffs]
Tommy : It's HERBIE Hancock.
- Richard Hayden : What did I say about eating in the car anyways?
Tommy : It's not good cause it spoils your dinner?
- [Tommy Boy just gets his new office and starts talking into a fan]
Tommy : Luke, I am your fa-ther.
- Richard Hayden : Okay... seatbelts. Just put the little thing into the big thing and... I tell ya what. If you don't know how to fasten your seatbelt, just raise your hand and I'll have Tommy Boy here come back there and hit you in the head with a tack hammer because you're a RETARD.
- Tommy : Richard? Is this your coat?
Richard : Don't do it.
Tommy : Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.
Richard : Don't
Tommy : [singing] Fat guy in a little coat. / Fat guy in a little coat.
Richard : Take it off, Dickhead, I'm serious!
Tommy : Richard! What's happening?
[coat rips]
Tommy : Uh oh!