Interviews With Vernon

Barb: Hey Vernon!
Vernon: My name is MIKE! (NOTE: Technically that's true but no one calls him that).
Barb: Whatever Vernon. Can I interview you real quick?
Vernon: NO!
Barb: Okay, so how old are you Vernon?
MSN: User Vernon has signed off.
Barb: Dammit!

Interview Three: January 15th, 2002

Barb: Dad, is that Vernon on the phone?!
Jimbo: Yeah...
Barb: Oh my god lemme talk to him! (grabs phone) Hello, Vernon?
Vernon: NO! (hangs up)
Barb: (stares blankly at phone) I really hate you Vernon.

Interview Four: January 16th, 2002

Barb: Vernon! Do not hang up you little jackass!
Vernon: (laughing) Okay, what?
Barb: I need to interview you!
Vernon: Okay, pee pee butt! (he must have been high at the time)
Barb: So Vernon, what's your favorite food?
Vernon: BROCOLLI! (laughs like this is the funniest thing ever)
Barb: Are you a total homosexual?
Vernon: BROCOLLI!
Barb: Can you say something besides "Brocolli"?
Vernon: I sniff my butt!
Barb: Screw this. (hangs up)

Classic Vernonisms

All the stupidest things Vernon's ever said!

"You are B-U-T-T-W-H-O-L-E Buttwhole! Buttwhole! GOOO Buttwhole!"-a song Vernon made up

"What the FREAKIN' is your FREAKIN' problem?!"-Vernon yelling at my sister

"Get away you freak in nature!"-Vernon yelling at me

"I'm dying to death! I SAY I'm dying to death!"-Vernon when he was three

"Idiot thing, you stupid idiot thing!"-what Vernon always says when he's yelling at inanimate objects

"Vernon, Stephanie does bad stuff."-me, explaining our friend's promiscuity
"For MONEY?!"-Vernon

"Dad should work at the Liquor Store! Then he'd be closer to home!"-Vernon
"Vernon, if dad worked at the liquor store, we'd be homeless."-me
"...My butt itches."-Vernon

"It pains me to see you fight like this!"-Vernon, when Jimbo started calling me a Pagan and I called him a buttcrack

"Oh father, life is eating crap."-Vernon, when Jimbo told me to stop eating crap

"Monica, go back to your hole! Your hole's in an abandoned building."-Vernon attempting to insult my sister (he tries so hard)

"Barb, you are in a coma!"-Vernon to me...I don't remember what the hell we were talking about

"You guys are dandruff!"-his response when we said he had dandruff

"I make more money in a week than you make in your hole! HAT?!"-don't ask

"I used to think that a coma was when an old person layed in a coffin for a really long time."-Vernon
"Why the hell would they do that?"-me
"Because they're old and they wanna get used to it."-Vernon (quite a sunny outlook for our nation's elderly, yes?)

"That must have been back in the sixties...no, more like the eighties, when everyone just sat around thinking about candy."-Vernon commentating on Twas the Night Before Christmas

"You wanna DIE?! OF BLOOD LOSS?!"-Vernon threatening my sister

"I swear as soon as I get a knife I'm gonna kill you!"-Vernon threatening me

"I'm the head of the family!"-Jimbo being his dickish self
"If dad's the head, then who's the legs?"-Vernon
"Well, I guess we all know what part you are Vernon."-me

"I hate Hitler's mustache! It's like a little bar! I don't get it!"-Vernon ranting in the middle of a resteraunt

"When I get older, I wanna be a repo man in the IRS and do drugs just like dad!"-Vernon reveals his secret dream

"Is a burp a fart?"-Vernon ponders...

"Okay Vern, what's your bet?"-Jimbo
"TWO QUEENS!"-Vernon
"You really don't get this game, do ya Vern?"-me

"I'm gonna punch some knowledge into you with my fist of knowledge!"-Vernon (sad thing is, I think he was trying to be helpful...)

*Holding up a fist* "Monica, tomorrow there will be one less person on the earth. But first, I have to wash my hands."-Vernon threatening (I have just stopped asking at this point in my life)

"I'm gonna rip open your head and take your brains out one by one!"-Vernon threatening me (let's not get into everything that's illogical about this)

"Small people come in big packages..."-a song Vernon sings when he's brushing his teeth

"My birthday is the same day as Hitler's! Yay!"-Vernon (did I mention he's a total Nazi?)

"Hitler was a nice man!"-Don't worry kids, I gave him a bloody nose following this one

"Vernon, did you know you're adopted?"-me
"Your butt's adopted!"-Vernon (boy of a thousand scathing comebacks...)

"I used to be afraid Joker was gonna pop out of the toilet!"-Vernon's secret fear

"I am strong! I am invincible! I am WOMAN!"-the song Vernon sang so loud in a hotel that we got a call from the manager

"Vernon, you're so gonna be gay when you grow up."-me
"DUH!"-Vernon (?!?!?!?!)

"When I grow up, I'm gonna name my kid Flame!"-Vernon (just one more reason his offspring will kill themselves)

"What's the name of the dad from Family Matters?"-Vernon
"Carl Winslow..."-me
"Oh, I thought it was Vondin."-Vernon (this is one of those WTF moments)

"Why the hell is this guy wearing a seatbelt?"-me playing Vernon's video game
"I think because his other dad thought he was a mechanic."-Vernon displaying his disdain for all things that make sense

"You wanna say that to my FACE?! Uh...AGAIN?!"-Vernon after I insulted him

"Why don't poor people just do a crime so they can go to jail and get food and watch TV?"-Vernon's solution to the problem of urban poverty

"Maybe that's where the leprechaun keeps his gold!"-Vernon, in reference to a door at the end of a hallway in the local Irish Pub

"Jeez Monica, no wonder you get D's!"-Vernon's comeback to absolutely EVERYTHING my sister says, even when it sounds totally random

"Everything sucks in sucky suck suckin' school!"-a display of the reason why you NEVER ask Vern how school's going

"Hey Dad, look! Our banana bread's neutered!"-Vernon, while looking at a loaf of banana bread labeled 'No Nuts'

"This would be a good song to roll down a hill to. But eventually you'd probably get dizzy and go unconcious."-Vernon, while listening to Limp Bizket's 'Keep Rolling'

"What's your problem?! I'm gonna file for bankruptcy!"-Vernon threatening(?) my sister when she wouldn't stop hitting him

"Oh my God! John Fellows, I KNOW that guy! He's AWESOME!"-Vernon, looking at a really old photograph at a local resteraunt
"No you don't Vern, that picture's from 1917! That guy's been dead for years!"-me
*defensively*"NUH-UH! I just saw him YESTERDAY!!"-Vernon

*Hysterical laughter from Vernon*
"What the hell are you laughing at?"-me
*More hysterical laughter. Tears are running down his face.*
"What the hell is your brother laughing at?"-Reese
"I don't know. Vernon, what's WRONG with you?!"-me
"Okay, you see that sign that says 'Enter as strangers, leave as friends'?"-Vernon, still laughing his ass off
"Yeah..."-me
"Well, wouldn't it be funny if it said 'Enter as friends, leave as strangers?'?!?!"-Vernon
*Reese and I stare blankly*"What? Why is that funny?!"
*Vernon laughs so hard he almost falls on the floor*

"Is this it?"-Vernon when we were walking to the insurance building
"No."-me
"Why?!"-Vernon

"Maybe Vernon needs a tampon. Hey Vernon, is it that time of the month already? Are you on your period?"-me
*Ten minutes later* "Well, you need a cup!"-Vernon

"GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND JUST DO IT!"-Vernon to Jimbo
"What's going on here?"-me
"He won't warm up my burger!"-Vernon

"What are you reading, a book on how to poop right? It's probably like, 'Sit down and push the waste out through your buttocks'!"-Vernon trying to make fun of me

"I love throwing up, because it's so warm and tastes so delicious..."-Vernon at a restaurant
"SICK! Shut up Vernon!"-me

"...And all you bastards in the IRS!"-Kid Rock at the Superbowl Halftime Show
"Vernon, he just called the IRS bastards."-me
"What?! I'm gonna go repossess his house!"-Vernon

"Vern, you butt-faced jacket, you're gonna get replaced!"-Jimbo (?!)
"By who, Gary Coleman?!"-Vernon (?!?!?!)

"Vern, what the hell is drawn on your leg?"-me
"It's Jack the Ripper!"-Vern, in a proud sort of way
"It looks like freaking Abe Lincoln!"-me (it really did)
"Does it look better now?"-Vern, after drawing a bloody knife in the figure's hand
"...God damn you're messed up!"-me

"Who do you think would win in a fight, Jack the Ripper or Adolf Hitler?"-Vern
"Uh, I really haven't thought about it."-me
"I think Jack the Ripper would win, because Hitler's a wuss! Yay Jack the Ripper!"-Vern has evidently traded in one unsavory role-model for another

"Hey, this one time, on Pimp My Ride..."
"That car should be on Pimp My Ride!"
"Mom, why don't you take your car on Pimp My Ride?"-All Vern ever talks about now. If I hear about one more thing getting "pimped", I'm gonna snap.

*looking at a sign that says 'Injure/kill a worker pay $7,200 and/or 5 years in jail'*"Well, you might as well kill the guy!"-Vern (I guess if you go to jail either way, why the hell not...)

"What's an albino? A retard?!"-Vern

"Barb, I think you are an albino!"-Vern

"I hate frickin' Kids' Bop! One day, I'm gonna make Adults' Bop!"-Vern's million-dollar idea

"I've never heard of a girl named Sean. That always struck me as kind of a man's name."-me
"There are girls named Chris."-Vern
"Yeah, but Chris is short for something, like Christina. Sean's not really short for anything."-me
"What about Seannery?"-Vern
"...I don't think that's a real name, Vernon."-me
"Yeah, what about Sean Connery?"-Vern
"Look, just because there's a guy with the first name Sean and the last name Connery doesn't mean you can combine those two to make 'Seannery'."-me
"Shut up!"-Vern (this is a really typical Vernon conversation)

"I used to think menopause was when you really liked dogs."-Vernon, who evidently was NOT paying attention in fifth grade health class

"Hey Barb? Is it normal that, when I listen to really loud music, in my left ear, it sounds like someone's ripping paper?"-Vern
"...Um...no Vern, I think it's safe to say that that ISN'T normal."
"It's not normal to hear ripping?!"

Sleepless In Chicago