The Legend of Small John Silver
Jonathan Peebles. Jonathan. John. Johnny. Johnny-boy. Peebles. Pea-balls. Small John Silver. Whatever you call him, it makes no difference, because he is a limp-pricked dickhole any way you slice it. At left is a sideways picture of Pea-balls. It is sideways because I scanned it that way and am too lazy to get off my ass and rotate it. But that's not even the point. Focus, people.As some of you more than likely know, Pea-balls once was Shampoo's very own boy-toy. But that was before he turned into a sandy little butt-licking donkey-raping shit-eater. It all began one fateful night when he and his girlfriend were attending a local football game.
As cries of, "WOO! GO AGGIES! WOOOOOOO!" erupted in the night air, Peebles had his mind (and his dick) elsewhere. Mostly on his ex-girlfriend, a cheerleader with what Shampoo describes as "bright red underwear". It was stupid of him to think that Shampoo didn't notice him as he squirted some of the white stuff into his pants.
The cheerleader, who will heretofore be known as Red Undies Whore, or R.U.W., hoochie-mama'd her way over to her former lover and proceeded to flirt with him while he pretty much sat there and got an even bigger boner. Shampoo was already pissed off enough, but then Pea-balls started sneaking off to with this girl. When the night ended, he told Shampoo that he had left something behind and went back to go get it. Trusting her women's intuition (and her knowledge of Jonathan's uncontrollable "Mr. Happy"), she stealthily followed him, only to find him talking to R.U.W. yet again! Right then and there, she made up her mind to dump him. But what's the use of dumping someone if you can't play with his mind first?
Shampoo enlisted the help of one of her friends. At the a party one night, the friend began flirting with Johnny as according to plan. Jonathan was able to resist for only a short period of time before he said, "I have a secret. I just had a dirty thought about you and me.", not knowing that his girlfriend was within ear-shot. Shampoo went crazy and tried to beat the crap out of him, but a chaperone managed to restain her (barely).
The next day at school, Shampoo found that her boyfriend had taken all his stuff out of her locker. "He's not gonna get away THAT easily," she thought glancing across the hall. She saw Johnny-boy talking to her friend again. The friend caught Shampoo's gaze and then implimented the next step of the plan.
"Jonathan, I have a secret too," she confessed. "I really hate you." While Jonathan stood there in a daze, Shampoo came over and screamed words at him that cannot be repeated here. They were something in the way of, "You F***ING C***SUCKING A**HOLE, WHAT THE F*** IS YOUR PROBLEM! F*** YOU, A**HOLE!" Yeah...the relationship was officially over.
But don't worry folks, Shampoo ain't worried. She's got her options open now. And as I hear it, Jonathan's dad, Mr. Peebles, is pretty fine. I'll give you more information as it becomes available.
So now you're thinking, "Great. But I still don't understand why he's called Small John Silver!" Well, I don't think I need to come out and explain it. Let's just say the nickname stems from some inside information Shampoo received from guys in Jonathan's gym class. Stay tuned for more information about THAT situation as it *develops* too.
UPDATE!
Well folks, the on-again off-again relationship between Shampoo and the less-than-gifted Johnny Pea-balls is currently on again, despite the fact that he's a cheating egomaniac who can't swim (but let's not get into that...)
There is a long, sordid saga involving Shampoo, Prom, Peebles, and a rebound-boy named Joe who loves his jailbird brother a little too much. It's a disturbing tale, and I'm not even sure Shampoo wants me relating all of it on this little waste of web space. Let's just say it involoves Johnny following Shampoo and Joe home from Prom with his brights on and Joe throwing a soccer ball at Johnny's car. Anyway, they're together again, for better or for worse (usually for worse, by the sound of it). Since Shampoo and I spent a good chunk of her recent visit making fun of her boyfriend, I have oh-so-many Peebles-bashing stories. Take, for example, the time he peed on a kid in the locker room. Or the potato launcher he keeps in his car. Or his childhood obsession with that fat mouse from Cinderella (hence his nickname, Gus Gus). Or even the fact that his dad is still fine (despite the vasectomy and an affair he had with a teacher in his teenage years).
Speaking of vasectomys, Shampoo's fat hairy monkey of a stepdad apparently got one done recently. Shampoo's mom was dead-set on keeping this as a secret from Shampoo, but she couldn't brush over the fact that he was sitting around all day holding frozen food to his crotch. Not that that had anything to do with Peebles, but...
Anyway, I'll conclude this little trip through Peebles land with a few quotes from Peebles...
"If I could suck my own dick, I'd never leave my room!"-the Peebles motto
"Dude come on, we had to go like, yesterday!"-that's a burn and a half, John-o
"Ah man, you better call an ambulance!"-Peebles after Joe threw a soccer ball at his car