Mallory Reaches For The Rainbow
At this point, all of my loyal trailor trash fans have realized that Mallory is undoubtably and irreversibly screwed up. She eats poop. She runs around sans pants. And, no matter what you do, she doesn't seem to realize that you're constantly mocking her gayness. And when I say gayness, I mean gayness, because on Shampoo's recent visit to good ole' B-Town, she related a terrifying new development in the Mallory saga.It all started a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. Actually, it all started at Shampoo's house two years ago, when she informed me that Mallory seemed disconcertingly fond of her in a very, um...unusual way. The proof came when we were eating lunch and Mallory begged Shampoo to sit across the table from her. When Shampoo asked why, Mallory said, "So I can look at your eyes!", causing me to break out in some of the biggest shudders on record. Okay, no, nobody actually records my shudders, but stay with me here people...
Upon talking to Shampoo on the phone for the first time in more than a year, she asked me if she had ever told me that Mallory was a total lesbian. I mentioned the "I-wanna-look-at-your-eyes" incident, and she informed me that that was NOTHING compared to some of the crap that was going down now. I requested that she elaborate, but I was nowhere near prepared for what she told me.
Apparently Mallory has started pointing out girls in TV, movies, and her own first-grade social circle that are "cute". She even seems to be inviting friends over based on how "cute" they are, and she gets unreasonably irritated when Shampoo talks to her about "cute" guys. Not only that, but she has told Shampoo on a few occasions that she is "fat up here". If you can't discern the meaning behind those words, then get the hell off my site, because I'm not going to explain it.
Unfortunately, the only glimmer of heterosexuality that breaks through Mallory's big cloud of rainbowness is a less-than-ideal one. When Shampoo's on-again off-again boy-toy, Johnny Pea-balls was over, Mallory felt his leg. Repeatedly.
I will be continually updating all of you on this subject, as it personally affects me. Apparently, Mallory thinks I'm cute too. More enormous shudders are on the way...