Malicious Evil-doings!

          ...Meanwhile, Kevin was sitting on his arrogant, bony keister, reading a book entitled "Growing a Penis for Dummies". His family was off somewhere being nauseatingly NORMAL, except for Steven, who was rescuing thirty-year old boxes of mothballs from peoples' attics (based on a true story, that).
          "Hmmm, interesting," Kevin said. "So according to this book, all I have to do is stop being such an emotionally needy, egomaniacal pussy."
          He set down the book, his eyes widening.
          "This is gonna be a whole lifestyle change!" he exclaimed. "I'd better sleep on this! Egad!"
          He switched off his Howdy-doody lamp and snuggled into his nice, warm bed. Tomorrow was another day, full of masturbation and REO Speedwagon. Yes, his was a good life. But right now, his only job was to drift safely into La-La Land.
          Or was he safe? Unbeknownst to the memberless wonder, a pale creature was crawling slowly up his bedsheets. A blood-curdling whisper broke the silence.
          "Asssssssmodeuuuussss..."
          "Huh? Whazzat?" Kevin croaked, groggily.
          "Assssssssmodeuuuussss..."
          "Katt? Is that you?"
          "Assssmoooo..."
          "Mom? Dad? Rick?" (NOTE: Why would Rick be in his room? Hmmmm...)
          He was just about to jump up when the serpentine assassin struck. He felt a searing pain in his nuts...er...nut.
          "HOLY FUUUUUCK!" he screamed. "OH SHIT! OH! SHIT! OH SWEET MOTHER MARY...heh heh actually, that's rather pleasant. Yeah...woo! That's so much nicer than using Katt's vibrator!" (NOTE: Writing that nearly horrified me into a coma).
          Sensing her attack was woefully ineffectual, Asmo decided to rip Kevin's testicle clear off.
          "Oh mommy..." he squeaked, passing out on the floor...