The Horrifying Story of the Time We Hitch-Hiked
� � � � � That's right ladies and gentlemen, it was down this very lonely stretch of highway in Sand Creek, Michigan, that Barb and Shampoo hitch-hiked for the first and ONLY time. If you kids have never been hitch-hiking, don't do it! If the guy who picks you up doesn't rape and kill you, you'll die from a coronary freaking out and wondering if he will rape and kill you. But we're getting ahead of ourselves...� � � � � It was about four fifteen in the afternoon when the two of us decided to go pay a visit to out dear friend, Kenny Ray Sledge III. That was our first mistake: it took us like two hours to find the damn place. Coming back, it started to get dark, and Shampoo started freaking out about how her mom was gonna be so pissed off if we didn't get our asses home. Barb's solution was to ignore her and make fake farting noises.
� � � � � That's when the pick-up truck stopped alongside us. A forty-year-old guy in a leather jacket poked his head out the window and said, "Hey, y'all need a ride?" Shampoo was game (she knew well the wrath of her mom) but Barb was a little leery. Let's blame it on Barb's mom for constantly warning Barb that was gonna get raped some day. And if a hick in a pickup truck wearing a leather jacket isn't your typical rapist, then who is?
� � � � � "Come on Barb," Shampoo urged, "My mom'll be pissed if we don't get home!"
� � � � � It was Barb's personal opinion that Shampoo's mom would be pretty pissed if she found the both of them raped, dead, and lying in a ditch, but who was she to say? The hick assured us he didn't bite. Some comfort that was. It wasn't his teeth she was worried about in the first place.
� � � � � Anywho, Shampoo talked gaily with the mysterious pick-up truck hick and instructed him to take us to the school. Barb rocked back and forth all the way there, imagining her imminent doom. She kept thinking of ways she could ward the rapist maniac off with the gum and bobby pin she had in her pocket. Maybe she could poke out his eye. Or his you-know what.
� � � � � However, all turned out good in the end. Pick-up truck hick dropped us off at Sand Creek High School, and we ran around like tards at a carnival until it got really dark at which point we raced home and got yelled at by Shampoo's mom while Mallory ran around with no pants on.