The Man From the Hamburger Train
November
If there's anyone out there who enjoys analyzing dreams, put your thinking caps on. This is a real interesting one.
A couple nights ago, I dreamed I was this mega-flamboyantly gay teenage boy. I'm serious, I had on the pink fishnet shirt, the feather boa...I was a QUEEN, dude. Not only that, but I had a crush on some kid, and the whole dream was me trying to have sex with him. At one point, he and I were at a party, and I tried to make sweet love to him on a CHANDELIER (What?!)
After the party, I took myself home, and my mom told me the band director and his wife had been trying to reach me all night. I call Mr. P2 back, and he starts telling me to stop being so gay because it's distracting all the band members. I gave him some big impassioned speech about respecting my life choice, and then...well, then my alarm went off, which is a shame, because I was starting to really enjoy being so fabulous.
If anyone knows what this might mean, please tell me. I told my mom about it, and she just told me to shut up, which was no help at all.
By the way, for all of you who supported President Bush in this past election, congratulations! Rejoice! You got four more years! For all those of you who didn't support Bush...just know that he wasn't my candidate of choice either. And for all the gays and lesbians out there, I am so sorry about Proposal 2. Hang in there. Things can only get better.
October
I trust that everyone reading this has seen the movie Bambi (if you haven't, go kill yourself NOW. You're way to sheltered to be LIVING). If you remember the movie at all, you'll recall the grumpy old owl's little springtime spiel about "twitterpation". Twitterpation, simply put, is the overwhelming desire to find a mate. That seems to be what's happening to just about everyone I know. Except in October, not spring.
June
Everyone has a love interest these days. Even people I looked to as fellow "dateless wonders" are shacking up left and right. One of my best friends, Neb Fastcow, has started hooking up with the Japanese foreign exchange student...we'll just call her Vicks Vapor Rub, or VVC. Similarly, my friend Danibob is attempting to seduce the infamous Coffee Boy (you know...that blatant bisexual I went with to Homecoming last year).
It isn't that I dislike couples. Or rather, I do dislike them. To an insane degree. But not because I'm a bitter spinster. Well...not JUST because I'm a bitter spinster...oh pits.
The thing is, twitterpation makes even the coolest people turn into total drooling weirdos. I want my friends to act like they always do...you know, running around, yelling, making immature jokes, that sort of thing. Instead, they just want to cuddle their dang girl/boy-toys. I mean, here I am, I've hung out with them for years...we've laughed together, cried together, watched gay movies together, and licked each others sternums (but let's not get into that). And here they are, ditching me for some infatuation. Arrrgh!
That's a bit unduly harsh. Neb and Danibob haven't come anywhere close to ditching me. They act pretty much the same. But Neb gets kind of mushy and sentimental now and then, and I just wanna shake him and shout, "SNAP OUT OF IT!"
I know I can't hog my friends all to myself. I know that. Still, I think things would be a lot easier if people just didn't date. Period. Then I wouldn't have to agonize over this junk!
Couples, oy!
Here's a cute story for you. About a month and a half ago, some chums and I were on a band camp trip, and we had to share a hotel room with a retarded girl, Jenny. We were desperately trying to pretend she wasn't there. (Many people out there will take offense to that statement, but I'm not here to defend it. I don't hate retarded people in general. I do, however, hate Jenny a great deal). Our main strategy was to keep up a continuous stream of conversation so that she couldn't get a word in edge wise. That combined with the fact that it was late at night resulted in some pretty bizarre discussions.
At some point, someone brought up naughty fanfics and how they have them for absolutely EVERYTHING.
"They really do!" I agreed. "It's pretty wrong!"
"I wonder if there's a naughty fanfic for, like, The Goonies or something. With Mikey and Andi in it," my friend Reese said. (She was not being a random as it would initially appear. We had watched The Goonies on the bus ride there).
The idea of a dirty Mikey/Andi fic had us in hysterics for a good couple of minutes. We all kept saying that someone should investigate the matter when we got home. Then Jenny interrupted us with a story about a girl she knows who likes having sex with her own brother. It was right around then that we decided to just go to sleep.
We got home a few days later, and no one investigated. I don't know why; I know I personally was way too chicken to venture onto naughty fanfic sites. Until last night, that is, when I finally got bored enough and just said, "Oh, to HELL with it!" I jumped onto adultfanfiction.net, which, disturbingly enough, took a pretty damn long time. I kept getting a message that the site was overloaded. Apparently a LOT of people are into that sort of thing. I plead the fifth.
Anywho, after laughing my ass off at some of the stuff in the archives (Snow White sexfics! Aladdin sexfics with a warning to the reader: "Caution, this contains rape"! Damn, we live in a SICK world!) I finally found what I was looking for. To my extreme horror/amusement, there is in fact a dirty Mikey/Andi Goonies fanfic. Not only that; it's a Mouth/Stef fanfic too. And an Andi/Stef fic as well. The whole friggin' Goonies gang just has way too much fun in this damn story, I tell ya. Not that I read it or anything. Oh no, I noted its existence and then beat it the HELL out of there.
Here's where things started to really suck for me. I remembered right about then that my dad gets these damn "online activity reports" sent to him every day, notifying him of every single site I've visited. The thing is, though, the poor sap gave me his e-mail password a while ago, so I just figured I'd hack in and delete the e-mail for that day. After all, I don't want my dad thinking I'm some sort of pedophile Goonies sex-fiend. So, after playing Solitaire for a while, I went to log in under his name. Then I realized I had a BIG problem on my hands.
THE DICK-JIGGER CHANGED HIS PASSWORD!!!
That's right, ladies and gentlemen, that damn e-mail is still sitting in his inbox, waiting to be discovered. That's why I put this all on here, because I'm completely fucked, and if my dad ends up murdering me or sending me to a rehab clinic for perverts, you'll all know why.
It isn't fair! I don't normally ever read even MILDLY smutty fics. Anymore. I mean, okay, let's say hypothetically that back in middle school I used to read them once in a while. ONCE IN A DAMN WHILE! And that was way back in the sexually-frustrated days of yore!
If you want to know the truth, I don't really understand the whole fanfic phenomenon, especially when it comes to those of the...erm...prurient variety. I'm no Nazi, I don't mind if other people read them and enjoy them; I'm tolerant like that. But somehow, I personally can't get over their innate disturbing-ness. And the pairings people come up with! How can anyone read a story about Snow White having an orgy with the seven dwarfs and take it seriously, I ask you?
And slash. That's a whole nother story. Slash is mostly just harmless and sorta hilarious, unless it's about two male characters that I actually give a crap about. Then I get pissed. Frodo and Sam, prime example. The very idea horrifies me into a coma. I could go on and on about this particular aspect of fanficdom, but I've taken up too much space with this rant already.
Bottom line: if you're a dirty fanfic fan, be careful. Be so so careful. I wasn't, and now I'm waiting for my dad to call me up and ask if I have a thing for ten-year-olds. Barb out.
February
Vandalism is hilarious. I think if everybody vandalized stuff, the world would be a much better place. In fact, if everybody vandalized stuff, there would be no more wars. Whites, blacks, arabs, Christians, Jews, and Muslims would all join hand-in-hand and dance under one giant vandalized rainbow.
Okay, so possibly none of that crap would happen. But still, vandalism can be pretty frickin' amusing. For instance, there's this stupid, annoying sign that's been up in the school hallway for weeks now that reads "I'll see you at half-time". At least, that's what it USED to say...until today, when some clever soul defaced it to read "I'll pee on you at half-time". I almost crapped my pants I was laughing so hard. I wish I'd swiped it, because the janitors are just gonna see it over the weekend and take it down, and no one else will get to experience the brilliance that I experienced today. (God damn janitors. They can suck my big fat bratwurst).
Happily, for every clever destruction of property, you'll usually find two or three that are just completely retarded, and those are even funnier. For example, one day a couple autumns ago, Shampoo and I were milling about downtown Brighton, when we came upon a grafittied "Handicapped Parking" sign. The word "handicapped" had been painted over and replaced with the word "dick". That's right. Shampoo and I had come across the world's first "Dick Parking" facility. The vandal had even drawn a little penis on the handicapped guy in case any illiterates didn't get the message.
So we've established now that vandalism is pretty awesome...generally. There are times when it's just plain annoying. Case in point: the whole CLOT phenomenon. Yes, CLOT. Apparently some lost and confused miscreants decided to form an inner-city ghetto gang, despite the fact that "White-on" is not inner-city, has no ghetto, and has an average per-person income of two-gajillion dollars. The members of CLOT evidently ran into some trouble when they realized there wasn't a whole fuck of a lot for a gang to do in a place like this. They couldn't engage in drive-bys because it'd be so ridiculously conspicuous that the cops'd be on their asses in a split-second. They couldn't break in to people's houses because everyone here has either a top of the line security system or a gun (Brighton's full of hick NRA members...my own dad, for one). And they couldn't rumble with any other gangs because there WERE no other gangs. About the only thing poor CLOT could do was smoke pot and graffiti the shit out of everything.
Well, CLOT wasn't discouraged. They took advantage of their only available means of deliquency, and within days the word "CLOT" was spray painted all over absolutely EVERYTHING. At first, I couldn't figure out what the hell it was supposed to mean. Then when I heard the story behind it, I was pretty amused. And then, after about a week of living in a CLOT-filled crazy-town, I just got irritated. Luckily, the leader of CLOT was picked up for drug-posession and locked in juvi, and the other members swiftly disbanded. Sadly, their legacy lives on. Come to my town. Walk around for five minutes. I guarantee you'll see "CLOT" written roughly 5.8 billion different places. God damn hooligans.
Well, that's all I have to say about that. Until I pee on you at half-time...toodles!
January
But before I get into the smackdown itself, lemme just add a little note on the whole "J-word" situation. My English teacher, the very same woman who told me not to say "Jew", was throwing around a word all hour yesterday that, in my opinion, is infinitley more offensive. "Wigger" was said about eighty times within the span of fifty-eight minutes. I seriously don't even USE that term. What the crap, English Teacher?!
Anywho, on to more important business. During math class yesterday, I ended up in an argument (three against me, might I add) about whether or not the hobbits are gay. I of course say they're not, that people who even try to make a serious case for it are full of poopy. And yet, attempt to make a serious case for it they did. Most of their arguments were something along the lines of, "Oh come on man, they like, totally have sex orgies in the woods!" Most of my arguments were something like, "LALALALALALALA! Not listening! NOT LISTENING!" Needless to say, the debate went no where. But come on guys: there is NO tangible evidence that the halflings swing that way. I mean, some of them are COUSINS to boot, adding a new level of creepiness. There is, however, tangible evidence that they are straight. It's in my closet right now, chained to the wall.
Mwaha...MWAHAHAHA...MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA etc. etc.
December: Part 2
No, seriously folks. I've been thinking about this a lot lately (mostly b/c I'm a pathetic loser with no life to speak of, but that's not the point GOD DAMN YOU!) I mean, yeah sure, being human's got its perks and all. For example, you...um...well...
December
I guess I'll keep thinking and come back to that later.
Anyway, there are just so many reasons I wouldn't mind being a halfling. Since I have a little bit of time before my band concert, I'll list them right now! If I were a hobbit...
1) I'd be really really really really really really small! Small people always get a ton of attention, plus I could hide in dresser drawers, under urinals, etc.
2) Six meals a day, that's what I'M talking about.
3) I'd be lower to the ground, and thus more capable of stabbing Daryl Homewedge in the groin region.
4) I could smoke weed and no one would care.
5) I could get drunk every day and no one would care.
6) I could get really really fat and no one would care.
7) I could shoot your mom and no one would care. No, I'm serious. Everyone hates your mom anyway.
8) I'd have hairy feet. This, of course, sounds gross to most people, but for someone who's had hairy legs for the past two years, it sounds like great fun.
Well, that's all for now. As I said before, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!
So I was my Honors English class one day, and I was telling my friends Reese and Kel a story about Vernon. As far as I can remember, the story was something along the lines of, 'Vernon got braces, and they're making him talk all weird. The other day he was telling me about his friend Drew, but I kept thinking he was saying his friend "Jew" I thought it was kind of bizarre that he was referring to his friend that way'.
August
Chuckles all around, right? Well yeah, except for my Honors English teacher, who cried in a horrified voice, "Tell me I didn't just hear that word!" (Flashback of the South Park Movie: "Eric, did you just say the F-word?" "...Jew?") At first I could not, for the life of me, figure out what the helk she was talking about. Then she said, "Be careful with that word. Some of us are of that persuasion."
Now, obviously someone neglected to tell me that "Jew" was an offensive term. Maybe someone's been stealing memos out of my inbox or something, I don't know. From the reaction I got, you'd have thought the accursed "J-word" ranked up there with n*****, chink, jap, etc., and that I just don't get! I looked up Jew in the dictionary. Definition: One who follows the faith of Judaism. Since when is that a slur?!
Ah well, who am I to say? I guess I better apologize anyway. I sincerely apologize for saying the word "Jew". Please know that I am not an anti-semite. My own great-great-grandfather Christian was Jewish, so being anti-semitic would actually be woefully hypocritical on my part. So would being anti-illegal-immigrant, but that's besides the point. If it will make anyone feel better, they can feel free to call me a big-foreheaded lederhosen-wearing beerstein-chugger. I mean, that's only fair treatment for someone who used the dreaded J-word.
I'm outtie for now. Merry Christmas everyone! And to all of those Je...er, peoples of the Judaic persausion, Happy Hannukah! ^_^
Know what guys, I'ma start savin' these stupid rants. That way, if you're lying in bed at night goin', "What did Barb say in that July rant again?" you can pull this baby up and BAM! it's all right there. Now, I realize that some has stopped to contemplate my stupid "Hamburger Train" crap like...um, never, but I'm not gonna let that stop me! And if you don't like it, you can blow me, ya bunch of trouser-coughin' dickjiggers!
Well, that's all for now folks. I realize this entry was like a small novel, believe me, but it's information that needs to get out there! For the good of humanity! Well, so long!
Disclaimer: For all you complete losers out there, that thing about French people hitting you with sticks was a JOKE. They don't care about the whole p thing THAT much. Everything else was my opinion and should be taken as such. Anyone who was offended can eat me.
I just got back from band camp less than a week ago and hoooo-ey, good times were had by all, lemme tell you. When you're out on a field in 100 degree weather playing "Splish Splash" and marching into a giant duck (I was a part of the duck's ass, I'll have you know), what else can you think but, "Damn, mine's the good life!"
Anyway, in other news, I am this year enrolled in the single most kick-ass, most straight-up bomb class on the planet, German I. I don't know how things work/worked at your school, but at ol' BHS, about 90% of foreign language students take French or Spanish, and it's only the really big weirdos that take German (like your good pal Barb here). I wanted to take it because I'm 100% German by cultural heritage (yes that's one-oh-oh percent...I'll thank you to please spare me the Nazi jokes...I've heard about every one in the book at this point) and I felt like getting more in touch with my roots. I mean, the only phrase I really knew in German before this class was, "Essen mein Scheisse", which means, "Eat my shit." That's not the most useful of German phrases, so I figured it was time to get off my butt and learn something more. Plus it's gotta be the greatest-sounding language on Earth! Even when using phrases like, "I have a little dog", you sound immensely pissed off and ready to kill someone. Here are Barb's top ten reasons why German is a hundred times better than French or Spanish:
1) Pencil in French: "crayon". Pencil in German: "der Bleistift". One sounds gay and wussy, the other makes you sound like you're about to jack someone in the face.
2) Pen in French: "stylo". Pen in German: "der Fullfederhalter". No contest.
3) Kids in Spanish class get names like Juan and Rosalita. Pretty cool, but not nearly as cool as Sven, Woflgang, Franz, Helga, Natascha, or Gretl.
4) The umlaut. Is there anything cooler than the umlaut? The answer is no, there isn't.
5) In Germany, they have entire festivals devoted to dancing around in funny clothes and drinking a ton of beer.
6) With French you have to worry about how much air is coming out of your mouth when you say the letter "p" or French people think you're a rude hick and beat you with sticks. As someone who lived in Paris as an exchange student for three weeks, I can tell you that first-hand. With German, there's no such worries!
7) Germany makes reeeeaaaalllllly good chocolate.
8) German TV: pogo-sticking gnomes and a 6-o'-clock News Story about a water-skiing squirrel. Now THAT'S Barb's kind of enertainment!
9) "Madamoiselle"'s okay, and "Senorita"'s pretty cool, but there's something about the word "Fraulein"...
10) Three cheers for lederhosen!
July
First off, can we have a moment of sorrowful silence please? My glorious summer of No-Contact-With-Annoying-Lesbo-Girl has been tragically marred when I...um...had contact with lesbo girl. But not lesbo contact, you bunch of sickos, I know there's some guy in the back of the room like, "Sweet, lesbos..." To that guy I say, "Eat me, you little trout-sniffer." Anyway, I can't bring myself to say anything more about this horrific incident. Instead, I'm going to ramble on about stupid crap like I always do, yeah?
I had a hankering to see the Super Mario Brothers movie the other day for some reason, so I rented it at the local Blockbuster and sat down for a night of movie viewing fun. For those of you who have never seen this movie, there's no real way to describe how deranged it is. Between Luigi's clothes (love the yin yang shirt and the tight pants...), the girl whose dad gets turned into fungus, and all the great insults that get flung around ("Not until you tell us where Daisy is, Biscuit-head!"), it's...uh...entertaining anyway. That's not to say that it's not the crappiest, most retarded thing EVER, but hell, when has that ever mattered to me? Uh, never.
Really though I shouldn't be ragging on Super Mario Brothers, because it's a hundred, million trillion times better than the movie I rented last month, Leprechaun 4: In Space. Just imagine how crappy a movie could possibly be. Then multiply that by ten-gazillion. This movie is even crappier than that. For some reason, the leprechaun kidnaps this alien princess who promises to marry him. A bunch of space cadets bust in and dismember the leprechaun, but then one of them makes the mistake of peeing on the leprechaun's remains and the leprechaun jumps up his penis. Later, when the guy's gettin' some action, the leprechaun jumps back out of his dong and starts killing everyone. At this point my mom walked in and told me I was never, NEVER picking out another movie as long as I lived. I'm not sure if this was actually SUPPOSED to be a horror movie, but it was so gay that I almost literally pissed my pants laughing at it. One thing though: why can't these people beat up the leprechaun? I mean...it's a freaking LEPRECHAUN for God's sake! Just punt the damn thing!
So in the end, I wouldn't really recommend either of these crappy movies. I mean, seriously. Super Mario Brothers you're just plain not going to get unless you have a retarded sense of humor like me, and Leprechaun 4: In Space is painful. I mean, as hard as I laughed during the whole piece of filth-encrusted suckiness, I would NEVER watch it again. Well, maybe the part where the leprechaun jumps out of the guy's penis...