The Death of a Marriage

The Cory and Topanga Story

I was in the pissiest of moods when I wrote this. Things were going really wrong that day, and I was sitting in my room brooding. Somehow, all my bitter feelings became focused on former-TGIF program "Boy Meets World". So I decided to write a mean story about it. Hey, it was either that, or electrocute my sister. I think I picked the more healthy method of stress-relief. Oh, and in case you're wondering: no, I do not know why the hell I put Jason Mraz in the damn thing. Enjoy!
It was a warm July afternoon, and Topanga Lawrence-Matthews was scouring the mall for the perfect anniversary gift for her husband. She needed something flashy...something expensive...something that symbolized their illogically idyllic relationship and the fact that they had been together ever since they met in a sandbox when they were four-year-olds even though that never peckin' happens in real life.
"Oh Cory, sweetums!" she said to herself. "What can I give you that will make you as happy as you've made me?"
Gag! Barf! Sorry...moving on. Topanga saw, out of the corner of her eye, a sign reading "Tonight, drive him wild with desire...step inside and discover Victoria's Secret!" She blushed and giggled.
"Oh my!" she said, eyeing the display in the front window. "I wonder what Cory would say if I wore something like that! Tee hee, tee hee! I should go in! But am I brave enough?"
She took a tentative first step towards the store, hesitated, and then decided to take the plunge. She walked briskly through the threshhold, turned a corner, and...
CRASH! She ran right smack into a tall figure with curly hair. They were both sent sprawling to the ground.
"Son of a titty-fucker!" Topanga swore. "God damn, I think that broke my mother-fucking ass, I swear to G-"
"I'm so sorry, miss!" the curly-haired man said, jumping up and helping Topanga to her feet. "Really, it was entirely my fault, I should have watched where I was going."
"You got that right, mother-fucker!" Topanga continued yelling. "I should straight up bust a cap in your punk a-"
She looked at the stranger's face for the first time and instantly fell silent. Her eyes widened.
"Shazaam," she whispered.
"My name's Jason. Jason Mraz," said Jason Mraz. "And who might you be, oh fair blossom of the mall?"
"Tuh-tuh-tuh-tuh..." Topanga stuttered. "Tuh-Topanga Lawrence. Er uh...Topanga Lawrence-Matthews."
"Enchante," Jason Mraz said, lifting her hand and kissing it. Topanga almost pissed her pants.
"Likewise," she said, her eyes never straying from his perfect face.
"Holy crap on a stick," she thought, "He's way hotter than Cory!"
"I hope you won't mind me saying so," Jason Mraz continued, in a smoothy-smooth tone, "But of all the girls I've seen in the last 24 hours, you rank at least fifth as far as which one I wanna do."
"He's charming too!" thought Topanga, blushing. "Could this be love?" Suddenly, she shook her head. "No Topanga, this is wrong! You're a married woman; think of your husband! You love Cory! You two are meant to be together! Remember the sand box when you were four! Remember your wedding! Remember..."
"Remember how he hasn't been able to get it up in like six months," another part of her brain chimed in.
Jason Mraz smiled at her. She went weak at the knees.
"So, what do you say?" he asked. "Do you want to meet at my house later tonight and make sweet love down by the fire?"
For a moment, she wavered.
"I uh...that is, I...well..." she heard herself say. "No, I can't. I'm sorry Jason Mraz, but I'm married to a wonderful man named Cory Matthews, and he's the love of my life. I could never betray him."
"Ah well," said Jason Mraz. "I suppose this is good-bye then. Farewell, sweet Topanga. Remember me often, and think of what might have been..."
He winked and strolled off. Topanga stared after him helplessly. Passion surged through her veins: passion that was not dampered even when Jason had walked 20 yards away and was run over by a hot pretzel cart. Passion that was not dampered even after the paramedics came and lifted him out from under the cart and gave him mouth to mouth. Passion that was not dampered even after imbedded pretzels had to be removed from his groin region. Passion that was not...
Well, she was passionate, anyway.

***
Cory Matthews sat at home alone, playing Jenga and listening to Wham and twitching like the hyperactive spaz he is.
"Wake me up...before you go go...don't leave me hangin' on a nightly yo yo!" he screamed the lyrics at the top of his lungs while the woman in the apartment above him banged a broom on the floor and threatened his manhood if he didn't shut the hell up. Cory, being unbelievably stupid, just sang louder.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.
"WHO IS IT?!" Cory yelled.
"It's your best friend!" called the person on the other side of the door.
"MR. FEENY?!" Cory shrieked, jumping up and down and giggling like a school-girl. "OH MY GOD IT'S MR. FEENY!"
"No numb-nuts, your other best friend!" the voice said.
"DENNIS QUAID?!" Cory cried. "OH MY GOD MOMMY, IT'S DENNIS QUAID!!"
"It's Shawn, cock-knocker!"
"SHAWN COCK-KNOCKER?!" Cory squealed. "OH MY GOD IT'S..."
"Oh Jesus CHRIST!" Shawn said, kicking in the dilapidated door. It hit the ground with a thud, and he strutted into the room, looking foine in a silk shirt and leather jacket. Cory waved.
"Hi Shawn!" he said. Shawn just rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, hi Cory," he said. "I was just in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd stop by and see what was crappenin'."
He leaned on the table. The Jenga tower collapsed.
"UNO!" Cory shouted.
"How can you have an Uno, Cory?" Shawn asked in irritation. "You're not playing mother-fucking Uno, you're playing Jenga!"
Cory blinked.
"So Shawn," he said, starting to unbutton his shirt. "Can we play that fun game we played last time?"
"Uh...maybe later," Shawn replied. "I think I see your wife pulling into the driveway."
Sure enough, 20 seconds later, Topanga burst through the door, arms laden with Victoria's Secret bags.
"Hi Cory, snookums!" she said. "I'm back! Are you ready to celebrate our anniversary?"
"Topanga, I got an Uno!" Cory announced, gleefully.
"Oh, that's great Cory!" Topanga said, smiling seductively. "What do you say we go into the bedroom, and I'll give you the Uno of a lifetime!"
Silence.
"I got an Uno!" Cory repeated.
"Ahem!" Shawn coughed. Topanga realized for the first time that he was there. She frowned.
"Oh...hi Shawn," she said. "You were just leaving, weren't you?"
"Uh...yeah," Shawn said, and quickly made his exit. Cory and Topanga were left all alone. Topanga reached into one of the bags and pulled out a black lacy undergarment.
"Cory," she said. "I just bought this today. Consider it your anniversary gift."
His face brightened.
"Wow, a present for me?" he exclaimed. "Thanks Topanga! Aww, I don't think I'll fit in it though..."
"Uh...Cory?" Topanga said. "I'm the one who's gonna be wearing it. It's lingerie...it's fancy girly underwear...it's supposed to turn you on, any of this ringin' any bells?"
Cory stared, blankly.
"Can we go eat at Taco Bell?" he asked.
"OH GOD DAMMIT!" Topanga screamed, throwing down her bags. "WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT TAKE TO GET THROUGH TO YOU?! I'M JUST ASKING FOR A LITTLE SEX HERE!! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! OR ARE YOU JUST A COMPLETE AND UTTER WORTHLESS DUMBASS?!"
"Jeez Topanga, I just wanted a chalupa!" Cory broke it's sobs.

Yeah, I kind of left it off there. What can I say, usually I just don't finish what I start. This one kind of amuses me though, so I might finish it one day. Who knows? Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get a chalupa...

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