The Lamest Characters Ever
The FOIL Phantom
Millions of kids each year take a high school math class and learn that magical method of solving binomials known as FOIL (it stands for "First Outside Inside Last", for those of you who need a refresher). Sadly, when I took geometry back in ninth grade, I felt I needed to cement the FOIL concept in my head by making a character closely resembling a cross between Zorro and an anal suppository. The FOIL Phantom ran around verbally abusing math students, screaming, "FOIL it out, you little s***!" and other such catch phrases. Technically the Phantom "worked", in case you wanted to know. I never forgot FOIL. No, things went quite the other way, and FOIL began haunting my dreams every night. That didn't stop me from making him a sidekick, though...
Senor Truncated Cone
Senor Truncated Cone was a more sinister figure in the pantheon of Barbara Frankenmuth characters, in that he shot people. I'm being quite literal: his top opened up and bullets flew out. This was usually accompanied by an aggressive, "F*** you, commie!" Unlike the FOIL Phantom, Senor Truncated Cone didn't help me remember diddly-shit. In fact, he was quite the useless waste of cheap recycled notebook paper. Although, I suppose I owe him some gratitude, because he helped me invent one of my favorite crap-creations. And that's...
Bucky the Shamrock
Bucky the Shamrock was invented for one of my world-famous (*snort*) stick figure comics, Jhonen from East Lansing (and NO, I did not rip that name off of Jhonen Vasquez, so shut your damn commie mouth). To make a long story short, Bucky was a delusion born of paranoid schizophrenia. In his spare time, he enjoyed drinking beer, making penis jokes, and pushing illegitimate children into rush-hour traffic. So, essentially, he was me in floating anthropomorphic shamrock form. In the very first Bucky comic, he took a wizz on Senor Truncated Cone, and Senor Truncated Cone (you guessed it) shot him. Bucky's different from all the other characters on this list in that I still use him. Who knows why...
Officer Skyler Scrotissary
Oh God. Oh God God GOD. This is where things start to get real painful, right here. This guy was born way back in seventh grade. I created him for a story I wrote, cleverly titled "Babies and Cops Don't Mix". All you need to know about Skyler Scrotissary is that he was gay. Really, really gay. And he announced it after every sentence. I am NOT joking. "Kids, open up! I'm gay! We have the place surrounded! I'm gay! Come out of that porta potty with your hands up! I'm super, SUPER gay!" For some damn reason, my friends loved the story to no freaking end. Thanks to them, I know the secret to writing a successful story. Gay people. Lots and lots of gay people. Of course, it didn't hurt that all my friends were f***ed in the head. By the way, in case you're wondering, Scrotissary is a contraction of two of my favorite words: scrotum and rotissary. Yeah, I know. I'm so awesome, I can hardly stand it.
Luke Issac
Now, I can't technically take credit for this one. My friend, Lotus, made him up for story we had to write in science class in seventh grade. I believe it was a story about journeying to the center of the earth or some damn thing (I put all my friends in my story, and everyone died except me; I remember that much). Anywho, I sort of stole Luke Issac after that (sorry, LoLo) and made him my own. He became this really intelligent, logical, rational young man, who everybody happened to hate for no apparent reason. It didn't matter how helpful and courageous he was, he'd still get killed by wild wombats every eight pages or so.
Panties
Another one from the Gay-People-Are-Really-Hilarious era. Well...I guess Panties really was pretty freaking hilarious. See, in middle school, my friends and I made up this intimate group of rejects affectionately known as the "anime freaks". The only person lower than us on the social food-chain was this kid named Henry who picked his butt and kept wearing a sweatshirt that said "Daddy To Be". But I digress. We "anime freaks" had to find ways to amuse ourselves without committing a grievous social taboo and actually talking to other people. So, using all our creative talents, we invented "Rainbow Tokyo", a magical land where all characters from all animes could come together and get their gay on. The whole thing was pretty much sex. I'm proud/ashamed to report that I wrote three "Rainbow Tokyo" stories, the most of anyone. And they were always the raunchiest ones.
Anywho, Panties was the illegitimate son of Gohan from DragonballZ (who, apparently, was five years old when he became a father. Altogether now: "Huh?!") Panties was the most perverted preschooler on the planet. He wore his underwear over his pants, humped legs more than my dog, and kept trying to get Sailor Moon in the sack. In one memorable episode, he killed Frieza by farting on him.
When he wanted to, Panties could transform into Super Sailor Panties, thereby gaining the power to...run around in a miniskirt and knee-high boots (hey, you couldn't live in Rainbow Tokyo without at least being a LITTLE gay). He also got his dick kicked in like every five seconds.
Panties met his sad end when an angry goddess tried to shoot his dick off, messed up, and turned it into a blender. I'm hoping to write a RT Reunion at some point in my life, but don't get your hopes up. There haven't been any RT stories completed since I was twelve.
Shishinanapoopoo
Oh yeah. Just try and tell me that isn't the awesomest picture you've ever laid eyes on. *sigh* I'm such a lazy bastard. Who was Shishinanapoopoo? Actually, I have no f***ing idea. She was some sort of omnipotent goddess...thing. Who ritualistically shaved people. I made her up in seventh grade because people kept making fun of me (geeeeee, I wonder whyyyyy...) and I needed some way to threaten them. "Shishinanapoopoo will make you suffer, vile infidel!" sounded a lot better than, "Come on you guuuuys! Cut it ooouuut! *sob! sob!*" A tip, kids: if you can't get respect through being cool, go for crazy. It sure has worked for me.
Rosie the Posy and the Buttcheek Prince
By far the oldest thing on this list. Rosie the Posy and the Buttcheek Prince is an ongoing story I used to tell at sleepovers when I was about seven or eight. A sentient little flower named Rosie got flushed down a toilet at a restaurant one night and wound up in the mystical land of Buttcheekia, where she fell in love with the Buttcheek Prince (a butt with legs). Together, the two had many adventures, all of which were big nonsensical pieces of shit. My friend Blake thought they were especially funny and asked me to tell one at this one party. I got halfway through, and an older girl told me the story sucked big time. I ran off and cried somewhere and discontinued the Rosie the Posy saga. Which is a damn shame, as it was such an artistic triumph.
More shitty characters are to come! As soon as I dredge them up from the depths of my sick little brain. Toodles all!