All About Barb
Hey dick-head! Read this!
- Real Name: No one knows. I'm an illegimate leprechaun born in a Beano factory in Switzerland.
- Age: 17 (RATED R MOVIES, YES!!!)
- Grade: Junior
- Hair: Medium-length and blonde
- Eyes: Blue
- Height: 5' 6" I was hoping I'd end up more along the lines of 7'8", but what are ya gonna do.
- Family: Divorced mom and dad (I live with my mom), a bitch-princess sister who's a Sophomore (Monica), and a weird Nazi brother named Vernon in seventh grade who has a penchant for making up his own "mystical mantras" ("Oh father, life is eating crap." etc.).
- Pets: A dog (Ginger Snaps Spot), three cats (fatass Paddington Pretty-Kitty Purple Conrad, mentally challenged Luna P Angelique Ashley, and deranged psychotic Rosie Cotton-Gamgee), my baby corn snake Asmodeus Poisonteeth, Vern's hamster, Eightball Lemmiwinks, and Vern's two goldfish, Dog and Cat. Samwise the fish met his untimely end when Paddington knocked the bowl over and brought the the fish downstairs to my mom. Can't say I'm too sad. Damn jerk-ass fish.
- Nationality: 100% German all the way! ("Hallo, ich bin from Germany, home of strudel and oompapas and...bondage...")
- Home town: Brighton (aka White-on) Michigan
- Worst enemies: Capitalist bourgeoisie pigs
- Hobbies: Writing really DERANGED stories, drawing, singing, making my own f-ed up short films, learning Japanese and German, watching really shitty movies
- Favorite shows: South Park, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Mystery Science Theatre 3000, Monty Python, Unsolved Mysteries, Conan O'Brien, and stuff on the History Channel (I'm a History Channel addict, okay?!)
- Favorite flicks: The Lord of the Rings; South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut; Battle Royale; Back to the Future; anything Monty Python; The Shining; The Princess Bride; Spirited Away; and Princess Mononoke.
- Favorite books: The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, the Redwall Series, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Adrian Mole, The Princess Bride, Fahrenheit 451, and the sex scenes in trashy romance novels.
- Favorite food: Your mother.
- Favorite expressions:
"I can feel you throbbing with excitement!"-Samwise Gamgee
"There's a sweet one for you!"-Sam again
"Bum me a one?"-Vernon
"Eeeeee! Ahhhhhh! Extinguish meeeeee!"-Bilbo Baggins
"You are the gayest monster since Gay went to Gaytown!"-Master Shake
"Where's my popsicle, bitch?"-Meatwad
"I hope you can see this, because I'm doing it as hard as I can."-one of the Mooninites (ah, Aqua Teen...)
"Hey buddy, over here!"-the classic JoJo-LoLo joke, may it never die
"When we catch up with him, I'm gonna punch him so damn hard in the pancreas he'll go diabetic!"-Macaroni Jockstrap Part 3
-Just about every single line from Lord of the Chunks - Loves of my Life: Kyle from Shrek 2 (my husband), some guy running for Sheriff in Hersey, Michigan named Oyster (one of my harem), Frankfort High football player number 34 (another member of my harem), and Frodo Baggins (my torrid affair...yes, I am two feet taller than him. Don't think about the mechanics of it too much.)
- Favorite music: Anything really stupid, weird, and/or catchy.
- Other Info: Soon I'm off to Flanagan, Illinois to build houses as a participate in TeenServe work camp! Yes, that's what they really call it..."work camp". This does not bode well...
Rocks stolen so far: Don't talk to me about it. Just don't. I am still so filled with intense homicidal animosity and I just...can't talk about it anymore.
There are no more rocks. The Buttcrack family paved their driveway. I want them all to die. Mrs. Buttcrack is pregnant, and I hope her baby comes out with three legs.
