Moofie's Lint Page

Moofie has attempted to transcribe and translate a very ancient text from an old battered document he treasures, "Book of the Wisdom of Lint" (as it has been commonly identified as). It is thought (by some) that this text, delicately hand-written in very-fine Entish Latin Greek Polish Auslan using a gold-tipped feather from the sacred Mallards' of Fummerworten, dipped in evaporated golden Peruvian hamster ink, originates from the mines of Motusthuim, deep within the heart of the Mountains commonly known as Thoonullundium. The ancient pages are constructed of an exotically hand-made compressed lint, gently dyed in a delicately soft purple (not unlike the background to this page), and its' much-later current binding is a black cardboard marbig A4 ring-binder. It is commonly thought to date from late in the First Age, from evidence based upon the historical form of the exacting handwritten text, the obvious weathering effects upon the ancient paper, and from the publication date found in the Forward.

Some definitions: From the Loopey Diconary:
» Lint - 1. the essential essence - eternal presence of the Universe that binds us all together in our one-common humanity
» Lintosophy - 1. holistic religious philosophy of Lint

Note: If people are afraid that Mal has somehow attempted to define some new religious cult, it's really all Moofie's doing! It's got nuttin to do with me! (Mal, Morrisett Hospital, NSW Australia).

As you can see, the text can be very difficult to read in parts, due to the aging process in place upon these ancient pages, plus also due, in part, to the idiote who wrote the original in gold on purple! Moofie has painstakingly attempted to translate as accurately as possible, using the most up-to-the-minute technology, to identify, source and translate the original text, and seek to see through the printed words decayed from age - using a $2 magnifying glass.

(Now, I'm beginning to wonder, upon this loose construction from the text, who this Moofium(?) Rapscallionae enema might be. Was this creature foreshadowed long-ago as some sort of Savior from beyond at the end-times? To lead people into...what? Lint-heaven? A Lint-free eternity? Hopefully, the rest of the text shall shed some more light for us...Ed.)

2:1 ...the sacred community...Lint shalst be its commonality...worshipped in holy array...
2:2 ...garments of the purest Lint pumpkin strudel(?) extracted digitally from yoke-fellows' Navels...woven as holy garments...
2:3 ...shalst the High priest attire upon himself...whilst the Saviour Moofium(?) shalst be known by...
2:4 ...by his very being and essence created from Lint itself...a glorified representation of the One True Lint...
2:5 ...Holy Lint Community shall serve the One...using washed and sacred fingers...Navels given over to...
2:6 ...containment of the Sacred Lint...community shalst worship...Lint...as the Universal One essential essence from Creation...
2:7 ...Lintosophonists shall thoust be known...lead into glory by...High Priest Moofium Rapscallionae...thoon(?)
2:8 ...common Unity amongst you...Lint shall be adored...sacred...holy...glorified as One...together
2:9 ...shalst you join in Sacred Union...throughout the world...sharing the joyful rapture...salvation through Lint...
2:10 ... naked shalst your bodies be...Lint be evident among you plainly...Nudist shalst be your worldview...

(This is becoming more and more interesting! Is this some ancient lost command that...can this be right? Lint be worshipped? A community of Lint-loving people (Lintosophonists?) spread their message around the world? Led by some Lint-Saviour? If these themes continue to be shown in this text, this will be an awesome discovery for modern religious practise!...Ed.)

3:1 ...shalst these writings be lost...thine thoonish(?) discovery shalst be...fresh revelation of the One-true Lint...
3:2 ...community...of Lint...be known as...Lintosophonists...gathering together in holy array...worship act of devotion...
3:3 ...salute in praise...the Lint-One...Saviour from your fluff...join together in Unifying the Lint-One...blessed...
3:4 ...thine finger shall be extended in salute to the extraction of Lint...scared porterage...Navel...and this shalst be your sign of identity amongst yourselves...
3:5 ...the middle finger on the right hand...extended in isolation...upwards and palm-inwards...in salute of your Holy Lint...Praises be...rejoice together with your salute in ( ? ) middle fingers raised on high...
3:5 ...Moofium shalst be known as Messiah (Lint-Saviour?)...neck-garment...paisley neckerchief...shalst this be (the) sign...
3:6 ...Thine fingers extended in Glory shalst thou worship the One (created?) Lintosophonist...
3:7 ...spaketh thoust Great Prohpet...Sacred Mushrooms of Zaphod(?)...through Lint shalst your salvation be...
3:8 ...Mushrooms...Zaphod...interstellar interplanetary hyperwarp(?)...aliens(?)...moon-beings(?)...
3:9 ...ground unto a fine powder...Lint...nasally...taken like snuff...private acts of devotion...Lintosnuff(?) will be thine practise...meeting together...congregated in Lint-Unity...
3:10 ...sneezing upon the mirror...highlight of piety...sacrificial mucus...spleen(?)...resplendent upon thine nostrils...
3:11 ...behold the coming of the Moofium Rapscallionae enema...Lint shall follow him like a cloud...pestulence of fluff surrounding His presence...
3:12 ... socks shalst submit in divine worship...Lord Reigent Moofium...crowned High Priest and Prince of Codpiece(?)...
3:13 ...Correct title of the Chosen Linty-One...Most High Lord Prince Moofium Enima...Regent...all praises due to His Lintfulness...

(The more I read, the more I am convicted of...what? A growing light is glowing deep within my breast! A spreading warmth is flooding throughout my loins! Why are these words becoming so powerful to me, as I seek them out? I must take stock and re-read the sacred text and seek divine inspiration from them...have I a role in this...divine mystery somehow...? Ed.)

( [5 minutes later]...I have had an ephiphanonic experience! Who is this...Moofium...to which the text looks forwards to?!? It..is..I! I AM the Moofium! I AM the Salvation of the people! All shall worship Lint! Lint shalst be considered Holy and sacred from now on! What must I do to spread this Universal message of Lintosophy? How must I seek to govern this...new world order? From now on, I shalst be addressed by all and sundry by my newly-revealed title: "Most High Lord Prince Regent Moofie Enema, ruler of Lintosophy"!...Ed.)

4:1 ... before the Creator...creation shaslt...unclothed and naked as when born...together...husband (and) wife...join with bretheren...together...unclothed...
4:2 ... meeting in celebration of unity...unrobed celebrations of worship...evidence of lint-removal...corporate bonding...games and beach volleyball(?)...
4:3 ... aww, who cares! Whatever Moofie says, is good enough for me! (Ed.)

Some eminent international scholars in ancient linguistic translation would rather it be known that this document is, in fact, much later than Moofie has concluded. It is, in fact, from the 3rd-century CE, and is a late-period Egyptian script, and the text is, basically, when correctly translated, a shopping list and invitation list to a young childs' birthday party in 3rd-century Alexandria...

Unfortunately for contemporary scholarly criticism, their combined efforts to publish their findings further have met an unforeseen and debilitating snag...Moofie has since cursed each of them with severe cases of Tinea...

Oracle 7:1
I hear there are those whom dwell amongst us that do not believe! These heretics shalst be devoured along with their unrighteous wrath! No one will be able to withstand the Sacred Teachings of Lint! I shalst rule! I shalst overcome those lesser-ones, who seek my mock and disdain! Now, listen to me! Open your ears to hear the Word of lint I bring to you. Be seated, and dig for your own Lint. Behold, it is within you. Behold, you, yes you yourself, are a porter of the Scared Lint! Your bodies are sacred vessels of the One True Essence of the universe - behold the Lint! Behold - you posses incorruptibility at the tip of your finger!

Oracle 19:2
Lintosophy shalst be One, as I am One with Lint. You shalst follow my wise decrees, as we seek world dominion - that, or making a really good cup of tea, whatever may come first! Behold your Lint! Can you not see it before you? Does not every common soul posses in common the One Lint? It is within them, and it is up to us with the Higher Wisdom to enlighten their paths to a Lint consciousness! Nudist Glory!

Oracle 1:3
Nothing can stand in my way! I am Moofie, and I am fearfully and awesomely stitched! Behold I come in the clouds of Dust surrounding me, to rightfully rule as both Prince-Regent and Linty-One. The crown that awaits me is golden, made of wool, and will cascade down my back like a flock of sheep on the hills of Walgett.

Oracle 68:4
May our sneezing be a sign to the unregeneration dwelling impoverished amongst us! Let our sinus' be clear of all that prevents us from faithfully spreading the word - and the wonderful word is Lint! Let thoust lintosnuff be thick, rich and odourous.

Oracle 2:4
Let us, the faithful Lintosophonists, salute the sacred one-Lint with our fingers raised in triumph! Indeed, this will be our calling sign - the raised finger saluting! Onwards! Upwards! May your navels be true to their calling, brethren. May your Nudism be a sign of welcoming terror to an unbeliever, as they behold your Navel Lint and fall down in misery!

Oracle 4:9
Beware of shoes for the foot! None shalst cover your socks, for they also are items of worship, portages of Lint from the One. Display your sacred socks with humility and mastication.

Oracle 3:4
I see among us those whos' suitcase are disdained and accursed! Uphold the port! The baggage! The luggage of our transport, our rapture, when Lint we see! Polish your brass, your combination locks, and bring glory to Lint in the world beyond yourselves!

Oracle 28:18-20
Behold, Lint will be with you always, and shalst remain within you, no matter how many times you bathe ... Go out into all the world, taking nothing with you except for your nakedness and sox, and teach Mankind the ways of righteous Lint ... sneeze with indignant compassion, and salute with fevour!

Moofie has yet again attempted a translation of another portion of the document, and has come up with the following 'interpretations'...

Moofie is making various attempts to revive the ancient near-eastern dark-ages cult of the ministry of " Slay the Wicked " - heaven help us - all!

Expulgation (ex - POWL - gay - shun)
     Expulge (ex - POWL - ch)
          Expulgent (ex - POWL - jent)
               Expulgate (ex - POWL - gate)

"With the evil breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked, as with the repugnant fire of leeks, onions and garlic; Because of his intolerable stench, no one will stand against the repulsive melting-flesh breath from his flaming lips, nether the righteous nor wicked nor wife, except the bloody slayer in their city of refuge."

Moofie is also trying to revive the ancient neo-pagan-Mulatto-liberalist-Coptic-cult of nudist worship.

Being fully conscious of our sinful failings, and totally reliant on the mercy of god, together we humbly present our naked bodies freely before our creator, without shame but in complete joy.

"Man and his wife were both naked and barefoot all day and night, without clothing, and were not ashamed of their nakedness."

It should also be made wholly known, that whilst most professional opinion agrees in considering Moofie 'Perry' Monster to be quite out of his flippin' skull, alas, he continues his religious diatribe of Lintish-righteousness-claptrap from deep-within his padded-cell-community. Electrocution-therapy shock-treatments seem to be having little affect upon him.

His followers, though few, are avid in their ongoing devotion, yet are particular in keeping their worship secret from anyone apart from themselves.

LINTOSOPHY

Moofie's Translation from the Ancient Text

A WORK IN PROGRESS

And now...Moofie's Translation (and Commentary)

SELECTED TEACHINGS

OF LORD MOOFIE

~ Most High Lord Prince-Regent Moofie (Perry) Enema Rapscallionae ~

Ruler of all Lintosophy

Expulgation

Moofie's latest doctrine - oh, have mercy!