TOTALLY TRUE
On a blanket from Taiwan:
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
On a helmet-mounted mirror used by American cyclists:
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
On a Taiwanese shampoo:
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
On the bottle-top of a British flavoured milk drink:
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
On a New Zealand insect spray:
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In an American guide to setting up a new computer:
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE
BEFORE OPENING.
On a packet of American Sunmaid raisins:
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
On an American Sears hairdryer:
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
On a bag of American Fritos-brand Corn Chips:
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The
shoplifter's special!)
On British Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
On British Sainsbury's peanuts:
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
On a Canadian child's Superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
On some British frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
On a British Boot's "Children's" Cough Medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
On a British Nytol Sleep Aid Tablets label:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
On British Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
Thanx Dee
A LETTER FROM AN IRISH MOTHER TO HER SON
Dear Seamus,
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Westmeath family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though; last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Sean said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your Father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Eamonn fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out,but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Rory was driving. He rolled down the window and swam safely. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P. S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
(Thanx Dee)
Church Bulletin Bloopers
The following are from actual Church Bulletins - announcements that were misspelled due to typos, or Public Announcements that were just badly put together in the first place.
* Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
* Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
* Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
* "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
* Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
* The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
*The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
* Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
* The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
* Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
* The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. Prayer and medication to follow.
* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
* This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
* The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
* The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance
Thanx krisjens
Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much. Being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the first couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbour, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.
Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some daily exercise, so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day.
Finally, he said to Timmy; "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is."
The little friend said, "Well who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said.
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"
"Well," Timmy explained: "Every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says:
"Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life." So I guess I'll just have to get used to it!
Thanx Softouch
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ' S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I ' M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
Thanx Softtouch
The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground!
The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground!
As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.
"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. "Those were Texans with all the $#it scared out of them!"
Thanx Dee
Bumper Stickers for Women
* SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
* GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
* IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
* MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
* PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.
* COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. . . SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
* DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
* IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
* DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
* I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN.
* GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?
* NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.
* AND YOUR POINT IS...?
* WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
* OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
* DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
* YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
* ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
* I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
* HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
* SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.
* IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.
* DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
Thanx JennieB
Moses and the people were in the desert, but what was he going to do with them?
They had to be fed, and feeding 2 or 3 million people requires a lot of food.
According to the Quartermaster General in the Army, it is reported that Moses would have to have had 1500 tons of food each day. Do you know what it would take to bring that much food each day? Two freight trains, each at least a mile long, would be required!
Besides you must remember, they were out in the desert, so they would have to have firewood to use in cooking the food. This would take 4000 tons of wood and a few more freight trains, each a mile long, just for one day.
And just think, they were forty years in transit.
And Oh yes! They would have to have water. If they only had enough to drink and wash a few dishes, it would take 11,000,000 gallons each day and a freight train with tank cars, 1800 miles long, just to bring water!
And then another thing!
They had to get across the Red Sea at night. Now, if they went on a narrow path, double file, the line would be 800 miles long and would require 35 days and nights to get through. So there had to be a space in the Red Sea, 3 miles wide so that they could walk 5,000 abreast to get over in one night.
But then, there is another problem...............each time they camped at the end of the day, a campground two-thirds the size of the state of Rhode Island was required, or a total of 750 square miles long.......think of it! This much space for camping.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm................
The blonde and the trucker
As a trucker in Buffalo stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up . She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it is winter and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!!"
Thanx Dee
LIFE SPANS
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and growl at anyone who comes in or walks past. I'll give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be growling. Give me ten years and
I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
The Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty and the forty cow gave back and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and growl at everybody.
Thanx Dee
Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off so they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher, I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it to be unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation, "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since deisel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week unemployment pay.
When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained that 'panty stitcher' was unskilled, where as 'diesel fitter' was a skilled labor.
"WHAT SKILL?" yelled Ole, I sew the elastic onto the panties then Sven puts them over his head and says, "Yah! dese'll fitt 'er"
Thanx Dee
The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems."
The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied.
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
* No taxes.
* No debt.
* Plenty buffalo
* Plenty beaver
* Women did the work
* Medicine man free
* Indian men hunted and fished all the time..."
The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Thanx Dee
Faith in IT
In opening the session, Narayana Murthy(Infosys) mentioned a hypothetical situation where 20 executives board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft.
Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system.
Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed.
Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies: "If it's the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off."
Thanx Raven
KIDS ADVICE TO KIDS
"Never trust a dog to watch your food."
Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer."
Hannah, 9
"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
Michael, 14
"When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair".
Taylia, 10
"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac."
Andrew, 9
"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."
Armir, 9
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."
Naomi, 15
"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick."
Lauren, 9
Thanx Raven
The Ferrari Team fired their entire Pit- Crew Yesterday. The announcement was followed by Ferrari's Decision to take advantage of the New Zealand Government's "Work For the Dole" Scheme and hire unemployed youths from Lower Hutt and South Auckland.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths in these areas were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment or tools, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with all the mod con tools.
This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management, as most races are won & lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every teams.
However Ferrari expectations were easily exceeded, as during the crews first practice session; not only were "da boyz" able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 20 seconds they had resprayed, rebadged, and had sold the vehicle over to the McLaren Team for four dozen Lion Red stubbies.
Thanx JennieB
This page updated 22nd May 2004