A new twist on some old words
The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which
they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following
were some of the winning entries:
Coffee (n.) ......a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.) ......appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.) ....... to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.) ........ to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.) ....... impotent
Negligent (adj.).... describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.) ......... to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.) ....... an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) ........ the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.)........ a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.).......... a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.)........ the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.) ......... a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.) ........ the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism (n.)........ The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Pokemon (n)......... a Jamaican proctologist.
Lets face it: English is a terrible language
There is no egg in the eggplant, no ham in the hamburger and neither
pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England,
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted. But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth. If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and drive on parkways.
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down and in which you fill in a form by filling it out.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course isn't a race at all). That is why when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible. And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts but when I wind up this story it ends?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why are wise men and wise guys opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
13. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
A man and woman are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the lady stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The guy says "WHAT??" The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. Then he realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
The next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells her to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the Jewellery Department, where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The lady is so excited. She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. He says "you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The woman's face goes blank. He continues - "I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while." The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode. The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".
Enjoy as much as you can get... Makes sense to me!!!!!!
Chocolate is a Vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean
= vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both
are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate
is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?
REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts."
HOW TO SPEAK NEW ZEALANDER, FOR BIST EFICT, RID THESE OUT ALOUD!!!
Milburn - capital of Victoria
Peck - to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
Pigs - for hanging out washing with
Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
Pug - large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough - computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
McKennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - departed
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps - potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess - vapour
Fush - marine creatures
Fitter cheney - type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Amejen - visualise
Day old chuck - very young poultry
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Beard - a place to sleep
Chully Bun - Esky
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze - well known computer program
Brudge - structure spanning a stream
Tin - one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
Earplane - large flying machine
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds - children
Pits - domestic animals
Cuttin - baby cat
Munce - usually served on toast
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES (READ OUT LOUD)!
1. That's not right.........Sum Ting Wong
2. Are you harboring a fugitive?......Hu Yu Hai Ding
3. See me ASAP.......................Kum Hia Nao
4. Stupid Man.........................Dum Gai
5. Small Horse..................Tai Ni Po Ni
6. Did you go to the beach?....Wai Yu So Tan
7. I bumped into a coffee table....Ai Bang Mai Ni
8. I think you need a face lift.....Chin Tu Fat
9. It's very dark in here......Wao So Dim
10. I thought you were on a diet....Wai Yu Mun Ching
11. This is a tow away zone.....No Pah King
12. Out meeting is scheduled for next week...Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13. Staying out of sight.....Lei Ying Lo
14. He's cleaning his automobile....Wa Shing Ka
15. Your body odor is offensive.......Yu Stin Ki Pu
A man decides that he wants a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet. He walks into the pet store and goes up to the service assistant. 'Excuse me, I want a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet'. The service assistant says 'I have just the thing for you, it's a talking centipede'. 'Cool!' the man exclaims, 'I'll take it!'
The man takes the centipede home in his little box and places him on the kitchen table. He looks into the box and says, 'Hey centipede, what about you and me going to the pub for a beer?' The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy thinks, 'I'll just go off for five minutes and come back and ask again. Five minutes pass and the guy returns to the centipede, 'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?' Again, the centipede doesn't answer him. 'Hmmmmm' the guy thinks to himself, 'I'll just go off and watch this TV show, come back and ask him again'.
Half an hour passes and the guy returns to the centipede. 'I'll just ask him on more time' he tells himself. 'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?'
The centipede looks up at the man and says, "Hey man , I heard you the first time, I'm putting my shoes on..........."
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? This is a true story . . . .
There was a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too because they were laughing so hard !
The Mermaid
There were three men fishing in a boat. One felt a tug and reeled in
his line. He had caught a beautiful mermaid. She squirmed and struggled
and tried to break free but he wouldn't let her go.
Finally she said "I'll give you anything you can wish for if you'll let me go. "Okay," said the man, "I want my IQ doubled." So she did and he goes off on Shakespeare and all kinds of complicated things.
The mermaid goes to leave and the second man grabs her. "Hey, I'm not going to let you go until I get a wish too." "Fine," she said, "What do you want?" "I want my IQ tripled." So she triples his IQ and he goes off solving all these problems and mathematical equations.
"I suppose you want a wish too?" the mermaid said to the last man. "You bet I do, I want my IQ timed by 10!" "Ummm I don't think you do," said the mermaid. "It'll change your whole aspect on life." And although she tried to talk him out of it, that's what he wanted.
So she gave him his wish and *POOF* He turned into a woman.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me. By
following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found
inner peace...
It said:
'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
started'.
So, today I have finished one bottle of Gordons Gin, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Champers, my Prozac's and a large box of chocolates.
I feel better already!
Advice to Men
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's
face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
Thanx Lorraine
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
Thanx Lorraine
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
Thanx Lorraine
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
Thanx Lorraine
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"
Thanx Lorraine
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
Thanx Lorraine
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided
to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She
would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I
continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I
think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
Thanx Lorraine
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
Thanx Lorraine
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
Thanx Lorraine
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
Thanx Lorraine
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
Thanx Lorraine
A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and asked to be taken to the O'Hare Airport. On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Ohhh! TOYOTA!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"
Not too long afterward, another car flew by the taxi. "Ohh! NISSAN!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"
Yet another car zipped by, and the tourist said, "Ohh! Mitsubishi!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"
The taxi driver, who was 100% American, was starting to get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi as they were turning into the airport.
"Ohh! Honda!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"
The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, "That'll be $150."
"$150? It was so short a ride! Why so much?"
"Taxi meter. Made in Japan. Very fast."
Thanx Dee
A Texas policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the woman in the passenger seat. "He's a real jerk when he's been drinking."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
Thanx Dee
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 a.m.
The next day at 8:45 a.m., there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmo's are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmo's and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
Thanx Dee - an oldie but a goldie
Asking the children in my Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"
"NO"! the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything
neat and tidy, would I
get into Heaven"? Again, the answer was "NO"!
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get to Heaven?"
In the back of the room, a 5 yr. old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead".
Thanx Dee
A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire"...
Eddy: Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left... phone
a Friend. The next question is worth one million dollars if you get it
right. If you get it wrong you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?
Pam: Yes.
Eddy: Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is
it
a) Robin,
b) Sparrow,
c) Cuckoo,
d) Thrush.
Pam: I think I know who it is...but I'm not 100%. I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol.
Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: Hello.
Eddy: Hello Carol, it's Eddy Maguire from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's.
Pam: Carol, which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it
a) Robin,
b) Sparrow,
c) Cuckoo,
d) Thrush.
Carol: Oh geez, Pam. That's simple...it's a Cuckoo.
Pam: Are you sure?
Carol: I'm sure.
Eddy: Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the Million?
Pam: I want to play; I'll go with c) Cuckoo.
Eddy: Is that your final answer?
Pam: Yes.
Eddy: Are you confident?
Pam: Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart.
Eddy: You said c) Cuckoo...and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to Sydney. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build Its own nest?"
"Pam, it was easy. Everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
Thanx Dee
This page updated 17th September 2002