Starring: Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, Richard Roxburgh, David Wenham
Directed by: Stephen Sommers

Van Helsing ended with a dedication from the writer/director: "For my dad". He must have really hated his dad.

After having seen the previews to Van Helsing, those many months ago, I was hyped. I told everyone about it and made them watch the trailer, too. I desperately wanted to love this movie. Think about it: The Wolfman, Dracula, Frankenstein's monster...all in the same movie! Then I found out it was from the same guy who did The Mummy Returns. That was the first bad sign. And just like TMR, Van Helsing is long, loud and stupid.

Gabriel Van Helsing is a monster hunter. He works covertly for a holy organization out of the Vatican, vanquishing demons wherever they arise. Not so subtly, he's like James Bond, with the Cardinal being his 'M', and David Wenham's (Faramir, from LotR) friar as his version of 'Q'. It seems Dracula cannot have offspring anymore. In order for his children to survive, he needs the life-giving force of Frankenstein's monster. I dunno who was smoking what when they thought of that, but whatever. Along the way, Van Helsing meets up with Anna (Kate Beckinsale in another vampire movie), a Gypsy princess. Somehow, very improbably, they seem to fall in love. Then there are CGI fights. And more fights.

If it seems like I cannot explain the plot, it's being there hardly is one. The whole movie seems like it was based on trying to string together action sequences. That wouldn't be so bad if the action was fun, but I found myself utterly bored at this movie. It was much longer than it should have been and more incoherent than Boomhauer on King of the Hill. What was that clumsy backstory about Van Helsing having no memory of his past? They tried explaining his ties to Dracula but it was so quick, as if they writer knew that it couldn't hold up to scrutiny, so best to get it out of the way quickly. Every time a character opened his mouth, the movie became worse and worse. I don't know whether the Frankenstein monster's apparent genius was supposed to be funny or serious (I'm betting funny), but he became the most sympathetic character in the movie. Everyone else was bland, with nothing of interest about them, especially Dracula. Here's a character that is supposed to be charismatic and they reduce him to cardboard. And forget about the wives. They were shrill and unintentionally hilarious. You can tell no effort was put in the writing of Van Helsing. The dialogue was laughably bad, and the connect-the-dots story was so straightforward you can tell what was going to happen miles off. Not to mention the howling at the moon, swinging on ropes and face in the clouds. And did anyone else think of the similarities between the vampire babies and the mini-undead creatures from The Mummy Returns? I hated both of them.

So what did I like about the movie? I liked the shotgun Van Helsing used for two seconds. I liked the black and white intro. I liked the final fight. I liked the Spider-Man 2 preview before it. And I especially liked it when it ended.

DroopyMcC
Six