I was watching "The Bachelor" and thought it was worth heel of the week status. After an hour (it felt like an hour, was it?) of that crap I decided it was worth an entire article!

I remember back when some scandalized individual was telling me, "Have you heard? There's a new show coming on where America gets to choose two people to get married." Or something like that. Anyway, the vision of television marriage has reached (I hope) the pinnacle of its influence as there are at least 4 or 5 shows based on that premise. A woman sifts through a throng of men and picks one to marry on national tv. And they get a million dollars if they stay married for a year. How romantic!

At least once a season, my mom and my sisters gather around the television to watch at very least the premiere of the Bachelor/Bachelorette while I'm not far off berating them for their poor taste. Guy after guy comes out and they all basically say the same thing, "I... I hope that she's... I have a job... Soul mate? I like a fairy tale wedding with her!" Twenty-five guys who all want fairy tale weddings? I think the only fairies... are those guys.

But most hilarious is the mandatory 1-2 non-white people. There's always one black guy and one asian guy. Never more... Never less. Just like the Sith. And both know they aren't going to win. It's too funny to watch them pissing their pants like Sidney Poitier in "Guess Who'�s Coming to Dinner?". I swear when the black guy's limo pulled up they changed the music so their was a drumbeat in the back. All they needed to do is add some hydraulics so the limo would bounce like in a Snoop Dogg video. Then he comes out, kisses her hand and often doesn't have much to say. "I'm the black guy... that is all..."

And that's the funniest part. They have to keep at least 1 minority on the show for a little while just for the hell of it. The black guy knows that no matter what happens, he won't be voted off of the first show. That would just look racist. He could say, "Damn, b**ch you lookin' stupid fly up in this architecture! And you got a nice gaddonkadonk goin' on too!" And he wouldn't get kicked off right away. He must and always does have his 2-5 shows. The bachelorette knows that. The network knows that. The black guy knows that. They all know their role. Grood.

What can I say, all those fools deserve the awkwardness and humiliation that they suffer. So then, just like every season, my mom will say, "This doesn't interest me anymore... I don't like the woman." or "The guy is a jerk this time!" And I know that a few months down the line, I'll walk into the living room and they'll all be watching the show. Most likely the skanky woman will be making out with a plethora of men as insignificant as sperm who will never fertilize the egg.

And I'll bust into the living room with my usual bad jokes about the show, "The Bachelorette? They should call it The Whore!" and then I'll make porn movie music for 3-5 minutes and my sister will laugh.

Then my mom will defend watching the show by saying, "No, it's the episode where they all go to the beach and she makes out with all the guys. Very emotional. She doesn't know which guy to choose!" And I'll say, "But they're all about that!"

I guess I'm finally becoming accustomed to living with the target demographic for absurd shows like this. So at least once or twice a season I will continue to put it down, put down my family and root for the single black guy who always finds his way onto the show! "I think this time he has a chance!!! Black Power up in this mofo!!!"