Lack of a car has made me bitter for a few reasons. The bus system on the South Shore is piss poor, especially on weekends. When leaving the library, all the buses seem to pass at the same time. My shift ends on the half-hour and all the buses pass at that time. For example, when leaving the building at noon, the #41,#43, #77 buses passes in between 11:59-12:01. It's kind of funny actually, like flipping a coin. The timing is usually just perfect enough so that I can run like a jackass or watch it leaving.

Anyway... I digress. My problem with being a hardcore pedestrian is stupid people. Especially in buildings. The same logic that should apply to good driving should apply to good walking.

Being an enlightened walker, I have decided to impart my wisdom to all you fools out there!! I've even organized tips into chapters for the especially daft!

Chapter 1: Using an Escalator

This has probably happened to everyone. You're late for class and while going up the escalator, someone decides to stand there and chill. This is especially frustrating when this person is on the left side of the escalator, or "passing lane" as I like to call it. The right side of the escalator is filled with people who have apparently grown roots which have gone right through the escalator into bedrock where they have permanently anchored their owners.

The escalator isn't a ride! Don't stand there inconveniencing others because you don't feel like walking. At least have the decency to step to the right side of the escalator so people with some cajones can go about there way.

Chapter 2: Using Doors

Now on top of it all, jerks who tend to swizzle their dizzle while going up the escalators usually aren't very courteous. But a little tip, if you got to the door before someone else because you screwed them over at the escalator, you don't necessarily have to let the door fly in their face. Furthermore, if you're too weak, too stupid or too frightened to use a revolving door, find another door or go back from whenst you came!!!

And while we're on doors, please note that not all doors are automatic. If you walk up to a door, and it doesnt open, maybe you'll have to apply some force to it. This is called pushing the door open. I used to find it comical when people would stare helplessly at doors, but quite frankly it's getting old. It happens far too often.

And another thing. If you still haven't learned how to open the doors on some of the newer model buses, you're not worthy of taking the bus. Please walk to your destination. I'm fed up of seeing people staring at the doors like lovestruck emus and then getting angry at the busdriver when the doors don't open. I don't care if it's snowing, if you haven't figured out how to open these doors, you deserve to be out in the cold. For those of you who think you are up to the challenge of opening the doors at the back of the bus, let me give you a word of advice. They work using a kind of a motion detector. That means you have to move for it to work. You could simply place your hand on the big hand outline on the door. But if you're not in the mood, you could just move toward the door. Any kind of move will do. As long as you move. Take a cue from people who actually start to panic when the door doesn't open right away. They begin waving their hands in a frenzy and staring up at the green light over the door as if God is somewhere up there and is sensitive to their plight. Ironically, in most cases the door opens.

Chapter 3: Shoelaces

The thing about shoelaces is, sometimes they come undone. This event is not necessarily lethal. An untied shoelace does not result in someone immediately falling and breaking their neck. As such, please refrain from tying your shoes, on a narrow escalator, in front of the turnstyles at the metro, or in a doorway. There are few things I hate more than someone stopping to tie their shoes, sticking their arses up in my face like horny felines and holding up the traffic of people trying to get by.

Chapter 4: Using Hallways

Actually there is only one recurring problem that can take place in a hallway. Ever find yourself walking down a hall to find that the entire passageway is spanned by a single line of people, chatting and laughing and having a hell of a time but walking at the pace of extra viscuous snails? I've once had to face the dilema of a human fence.

"You shall not pass!"