So you want to be a rapper? Okay. Step 1. Rap name. Rap names should have as much ghetto innuendo as possible. However, if you ever want to go mainstream one day, it's nice to have a G-rated story of how you got your rap-name. For example, Puff Daddy once claimed Puff referred to him puffing out his chest in pride, when we all know it was because he puffs marijuana smoke.

So let's build a hypothetical rapper. Let's say his name is... mmm... Dr. Gunz. And if you end up on Oprah and she asks, "Where did you get the name Dr. Gunz?" you could always reply, "My niece's name is Gunz. It's a Haitian word meaning... umm... guns. But it sounds like the African word for love... Which is a homonym for a word that sounds like guns! But guns can bring about peace and love. And of course, the Swedish term for peace and love is pronounced G�nz whose root is an old Anglo Saxon word for firearms." And by the time Oprah says, "Awww... Your niece? How sweet!", you'll have main stream North America eating out of the palm of your hand! Little do the fools know, your name is Gunz because of you love of guns!!! Now let's get started.

Let's have Dr. Gunz break into the industry with a love song. So to start off a rap, you have to establish a few things to your listener. 1) The rap song they are about to hear is going to be the most groundbreaking rap song they've ever heard. 2) You're already rich. You only rap to do the people a favour and that's how they know the quality of your rhymes will be beyond reproach. 3) You aren't afraid to say rude controversial s**t! Oh yes... I nearly typed a swear word... That's what rap's all about fools!!

Remember, use the F word as often as possible. Rhyme it with stuff... Rhyme it with itself. End and begin as many verses with that word and when you really want to make an impact, let it stand alone in between versus. Let it percolate that people may savour the word like a fine wine. Here's our first verse.

Suckas Beware (X4)
Put yo motha f**kin' switchblades in the air!
Wave yo gats from here to there!
This is the flo of the millennium
Tell yo whole crew and dem'
Big ups and props!
All you girls in crop tops
! Tell your girl and your main Nizzy.
Dr. Gunz is in the hizzy!
I gots more bling then Chandler Bing
And more Power than the one Ring

F**K!

I know what you're thinking. "I thought this was a love song?" And so it is. The chorus will establish this. You might want to go easy on the curse words here. Or not.

Baby, you mean everything to me
I need you when I'm drinking my god damn tea
I heart you more than words can say
And I heart you more and more every subsequent day

Okay, the next verse is important. You have to scare the hell out of people. This verse should be dense with all the roughneck, ghetto mischief you supposedly committed before rap made you rich! Fun Factoid: The word bitch can handle as many vowels as you dare put into it.

Suckaz Beware (X6)
I bust caps for my seed and my moms!
Many decades before I started droppin these bombs
I robbed banks and pimped the finest skanks!
My gun was so big it could blow up tanks!
So if you see me comin down the street!
You'd better hope that we don't meet.
Cuz I got tons of creed,
And I'm drunk with mead.
A whole army of Gangsta thugs is what I lead!

Beeeeeeeeeeeitch!

Chorus (X2)

The last verse is the one people will remember most so let's skip to that, assuming that the rest of your rhymes were tight and as offensive as possible. What you want to try and do, since this is your breakaway piece, is to give props to another rapper by ripping off his lyrics. Worst case scenario, he accuses you of plagiarism and it starts a gang war. Best case scenario, he accuses you of plagiarism and it starts a gang war which is good for publicity!

I rob suckas!
Like Snoop not with glock
Just my nuts and a c**k!
I rob them motha f**kas
Then bejewel my necklace with a clock

It's a gangsta thing
I'm a gangstaling
That's why for you this song I sing

Chorus (X8)

Suckas Beware (X8)

Now pick a line out of the song to make the title. Let's say this song is called, "Drunk with Mead!" Excellent. I have taught you well. Now go give your gift to the world. Good luck, young thug! Good luck...