By: Allison Ann Haning
After the first attempt my parents and the doctors said it would be better if I were put in a crazy house, my mother doesn�t want me calling it that, but it is what this place is. The attendants here are very cruel, one ripped off the head of my bear. I�m not aloud any needles so I can�t fix him. I�m bruised and battered from the abuse these attendants give me every time they step in here. It�s very cold here, they won�t give me and more blankets either. They say I�m improving; I should be out of here within the week. I�m not sure that I�m improving more that I�m better at lying. I don�t see how these places help anyone. There cold dark and lonely. The attendants are cruel and abusive. They made me stay here longer for beating an attendant unconscious after ripping of my bear�s head. I told them what he did and they still said I was lying. My records say nothing about split personality. Well I have to go, its quiet time.
~~~~~~~~Next day~~~~~~~
They said I could go home today. Maybe this time I�ll be more careful. If I fail at death a second time they�ll keep me there for two months. My parents picked me up that afternoon. They looked so disappointed to have such a screwed up daughter. If they don�t want me so much, why did they even bother to save me? It�s hard to answer these questions. Most would say because they love me. I think it�s because they don�t want to say they failed. They can�t even look me in the eye anymore. It�s hard to say I have anything to live for anymore. Really I don�t. It�s been hard to accept it at first, but now I really don�t mind. I�ve lost all faith in love. I watch the love of my life go to some one so much more disserving. I could feel tears but they did not come. I really don�t think I really cared. I don�t know why but I really don�t think that I will have any love in my life. It�s another one of those situations you really have to think about to accept it. At this point so close to the end of my life, I really don�t think I care about anything any more. The suicide I chose for this try is mutilation. I believe this should work very well. If I cut deep enough I should be able to die quickly. The object I have chosen for this is a six-inch kitchen blade; my dad keeps it very sharp. I should be working on this late tonight. Tomorrow is Saturday my parents should sleep in pretty long. Well I have some work to do before this.
~~~~~~That night~~~~~
The night was dark; there was no moon out tonight. I had a single candle going, a friend I used to have gave it to me. I looked down at the blade, it was a lot sharper then I had thought, I guess that�s good. I pushed the knife to my arm; I thought there would be more pain� The blood flooded up from the open veins. I ran it straight up my arm, the wound around an inch deep. I did the same to the other arm. I ran the knife across my neck, the wound wasn�t as deep, but it did bleed. I cut open both sides of my thighs. Blood was pouring out of the wounds. I felt so light, like I could fly. All that blood must have weight me down I can fly. I floated above my bed death seemed so close. But as I closed my eyes, my mother walked in. She screamed a scream I didn�t know was possibly for a human to make. She picked me up and laid my down wrapping my wound, my father called the paramedics. I failed again. Two months to think up a new plan�