Legend of Zelda blows. All of them. Why anyone would want to play these games is beyond me. The first one was ok, but the rest blow. This is by far the most repetitive game series ever and probably the most repetitive series in any media. I think the plot of these games (I say plot singularly because the plot doesn't change from game to game) is based on what happens in the offices of Nintendo's programmers as it is a tale of amazing incompetence.
For those fortunate enough not to have played the games, a massively incompetent hero (who is supposedly "t3h 00ber 1337" according to the instruction manual, fans of the game, and everyone in the game, but actually leaves himself wide open when he fights and blows at everything) travels through some places that are supposed to be temples, although no one actually worships there because FSM forbid the pussies at Nintendo would do something remotely politically incorrect, and were apparently designed by the world's most incompetent architect so that he can fight the world's most inompetent villain, who could probably single-handedly implode the world if he wasn't so incomprehensibly fucking stupid. I'm incapable of fitting my mind around how stupid someone has to be to fail as bad as him. Thinking about this level of stupidity is physically painful.
So, anyhow, some Nazi asshole has to fight this villain (who by the way is one of the few non-white chracters... hmmmm) to save a princess who actually managed to out-dumbass the villain. It's implied that the hero and Princess Ku Klux, er I mean Princess Peach er Princess ZELDA are in love (not that they show that, as that would scar the poor little children who have no right to play video games for life), but this would be fucked to anyone except a redneck (and who else are rednecks? KKK members!) because the games take place over 10,000 years and all other Zeldas and Links are descendants of the originals, thus we have lots of incest... which I guess explains why they're so fucking stupid. Seriously, how do these incompetent, inbred assholes stay in power for 10,000 years? Even the Roman Empire, which kicked indescribable amounts of ass, only lasted 1,100 years.
So, let's review the villain, Ganondorf's, various levels of dumbassery. He loses to Link every few years who has been inbred 15 times over and would get his ass kicked by anyone with more than 1 hour of training with a sword. The asshole freakin' stands there holding his sword out and spinning in a circle. How fucking stupid do you have to be to not realize that ducking and stabbing his legs would own him? Better yet: How fucking stupid do you have to be not to realize that ducking and stabbing his legs would own him, even after you've had 10,000 years to get it right?
Let's list a few things he could do to stop Link:
Mandatory sterilization for all Hylians
Not hide the object necessary to get through the temples right outisde the friggin temple
Kill him while he's young
Kill him while he's old
Kill him while he's sleeping
Kill him while he's fucking
Kill him with poison
Kill him with a ranged weapon
Kill him with magic
Kill him by overwhelming him with 1,000s of monsters in one place
Take over the world during a time where the old Link is dead and the new one isn't born yet
Get enough common fucking sense to be able to beat him in a fight
Rather than spreading his allies out all over the world for Link to kill at his leisure, attack him at the same time
Destroy every weapon in Hyrule except your own
Keep all of the magic weapons he needs locked up in the top of the final temple
Don't be a dumb twat
Use hostages to make him surrender
Don't reuse the same plot 15 times
Worse than people who like Legend of Zelda and Gannondorf are people who like Link. Do they not realize that there is nothing to like? Do they not realize that Link does not have a personality? Do they not realize that he'd get his ass kicked by anyone with common sense in real life? Do they not realize he's the biggest pussy in video game history? In Ocarina of Time he has to save this bitchy Zora Princess so she'll give him a magic sapphire. When he finds her, she insults him for taking too long and demands to be carried out of there and says she'll only give you the sapphire if you marry her. He actually agrees to it. If I were in his position, I'd kill her, take the sapphire, feed her corpse to a random monster and say I found the sapphire on a monster's corpse and assumed she died.
The enemies in the game suck too. One of them is a burning bat. The flames injure Link, but not the bat. One could say the bat is immune to fire, but that fire spell and fire arrows completely destroy the bastard. There are also ice bats in the ice temples. Apparently, they do extra damage because they're cold... but being in the freakin' ice temple, the coldest place in Hyrule, does nothing. The bosses are sissies. If you get hit by one of the bosses, it's official: you fail at life... OK we'll let it go if it was the first time it used that attack.
This was originally going to be a list of games that I will never put on my top ten list and why... guess I didn't realize how much Zelda sucks!
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