Ok, today's topic is religion .More specifically, my religion. Pastafarianism. I will explain the many Pastafarian beliefs and why you too should be touched by the noodly appendage. For a large part of this I will be quoting the Gospel of Pastafarianism. Now many of you may believe that the universe was created by God, the Big Bang, Russel's Teapot, the Invisible Pink Unicorn, or some misc. other deity, but I have seen the truth. The world was created by an indetectable Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Our prophet is the Great Bobby Henderson who revived our teaching after the ending of piracy. You see, pirates are the original Pastafarians and all portrayal of them as evil is a trick by other religions. When pirates were hunted to the last man, Mr. Henderson was chosen as the new prophet because Pirate blood ran thick in his veins. As a result of the decreasing number of pirates, the FSM is purging the world of non-pirates very slowly with global warming. the only way to save yourself is to convert to piracy and pastafarianism.
The great Spagehetti Lord began his rule after some heavy drinking and he created trees, mountains and a midget. The Great Holy Land he created for our meatbally souls after we die consists of beer volcanoes and stripper factories as far as the eye can see. The Unholy Land he created for the evil people is strikingly similar, however the beer is stale and the strippers are ugly and they have STDs.
Our holidays and times of preach and prayer are celebrated by dressing like our holy men, the pirates. The only form of worship FSM accepts is that which comes in full pirate regalia. Our most important laws beside those concerning pirates are the Eight I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts.
1. I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.
2. I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.
3. I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, Okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference betweenteal and fuschia.
4. I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is go fuck yourself, unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change
5. I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the bastard.
6. I'd really rather you didn't build multi million-dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
A. Ending poverty
B. Curing diseases
C. Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable
I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.
7. I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you. You're not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can't you take a hint?
8. I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Las Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.
I now call upon you all to open yourselves to the way of the noodly appendage. If you wish to refuse to the Lord, that is your choice and may you find happiness within it. Although I have felt the noodly appendage and believe many of you have as well, if you wish to ignore it, that is your choice. RAmen.
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