I will, for the first time, share with the world my life story and explain how I obtained omnipotence. As all of you know, since the beginning of time, pirates, ninjas, robots, and zombies have been battling for dominance over the rest of the galaxy. It has always been hypothesized that anyone who could be all three would dominate the universe, but no one has ever been able to do it because of the dificulty of mastering all four ways of life and their unwillingness to accept the other groups. I'm the first to master all four.
I was born with the name Spartacus in Rome in 120 bc. I was sold into slavery at a young age and became a gladiator. I led a slave uprising that shook Rome to its core. When things began looking bad, I requested help from pirates. As it became clear that we would lose even with pirates, the pirates said they were leaving Rome but offered me the oppurtunity to join them. I accepted their offer and began learning the ways of the Pastafarian.
After a few years of sailing with the pirates, we decided to raid a zomvie-infested village. By this point, I had become so skilled that the captain made his personal guard and I was an arch-bishop of hte Flying Spaghetti Monster. We surprised the zombies and began killing all of them. Unfortunately, one of them faked death and tried to bite my captain when his back was turned. I blocked the attack and killed the zombie, but only after it had bit my hand. I quickly cut off the infected part of my left pinky. My pirate immunity was able to prevent a full transformation, but I still obtained some zombie traits, such as a tired appearance, rec eyes, pale skin, and incredibly slow aging.
A short while later, a ninja king declared war on us. Thousands of ninjas ambushed us. My allies were overwhelmed. I was the last one standing. Thank to the abilities of zombies, pirates and the FSM, I was able to bring down hundreds of the ninjas. Eventually, the oppurtunistic king realized I could probably crush all of them with my massive balls if I really wanted to, so he offered me a deal: I worked for him and he'd let me live in peace and learn the ways of ninjas.
Naturally, I became a master ninja in a matter of a few years. While I was out assassinating a feudal lord, a thousand pirate crews descended on my ninja village and destroyed it. Almost everyone was killed. The three who accompanied me on m mission and the few survivors set off after the pirates. With me at the lead, we were able to destroy many of the ships. We decided to take over one of the ships, becoming a crew of ninja-pirates and we pretended to be pirates so we could get close to their ships and destroy them.
Eventually, the members of my crew grew old and died. I returned to Japan and settled in Nagasaki for a few hundred years. Then, wouldn't you know it, some asshole Europeans start a war and the US gets involved and decides to blow up Nagasaki. As the missible was descending on Nagasaki, I used my ninja skills to leap into the air and grab it, planning to use my body to shield Nagasaki from the bomb. The explosion was powerful enough to take out my entire right arm! Worse than that, I was launched rapidly toward the earth and the impact of my balls on the earth had a worse effect than the bomb would have had. Everyone for miles around was crushed by the impact.
I was pretty pissed about losing my arm. Luckily, I was in Japan and was able to promptly find an artificial arm. This began my learning of the robot ways. My arms is so powerful that earthquakes are a result of me pucnhing my desk when I get hate mail from a particularly stupid person. The force of my fist tracks the person down and causes an earthquake near their house. With the powers of the four rulers in my possession, I was able to become a being so powerful, FSM is the only creature capable of fighting me and winning. And that is why I rule the omniverse and you suck.