Man, I hate vegetarians. They're hypocritical assholes. Whenever I meet a vegetarian, I invite her (because most vegetarians are also feminists) on a hunting trip. It's so stupid to freak out over killing animals. VEGETABLES ARE ALIVE TOO! Why can't they understand that? And don't they realize that they're unbalancing the food chain? Strong animals eat weak animals. That what nature wants. If these hypocrites had their way, every single species would be as over populated as humans are now. Imagine what all their breathing and farting would do to the atmosphere! Now imagine how bad it would be when we ran out of plants to eat.
Guess what? Global warming would be accelerated to the point that we would kill all of the animals anyway. Wanna know how to slow global warming? Don't fucking talk. Stop complaining about the fact that I wear fur while cleaning my hunting rifle and downing a hamburger topped with eggs, bacon, and puppy blood. I don't care. And how about all the pollution caused by your collective bongs? Is that ok, 'cause it elevates you to a higher spiritual level where issues like being fried alive are just little dots on the cosmic scale and fighting the power comes naturally with the abilities your magic mushrooms grant you , dude?
And how about all of that paper you waste printing out your propaganda? I was once tricked into helping a really hot enviromentalist make some pro-tree propaganda. She made me reprint all 200 copies three times because the paper cutter wasn't cutting them perfectly. Of course, I was ok with that because I think trees are ungrateful bastards and the fewer trees we have, the better. We feed them with our carbon dioxide, but when was the last time a tree did something to help you? I don't remember, but I do remember a tree burning down that really nice house I used to have in California because of friggin forest fires and then sending all its smoke up into the atmosphere to fry me alive with global warming.
I'm becoming more and more convinced all the time that trees are plotting to kill all humans with global warming and then establish themselves are the dominant species on earth. I'm guessing they have some kind of supremacy thing going on because they're so big. Kind of like whales. They're probably the trees' hippy-enslaving co-conspirators. Maybe we should find a way to turn them against each other. How awesome would it be to watch a blue whale wrestle a sequoia? OK, that'd be pretty lame, but at least the earth would be safer no matter who wins.
So back to how I plan to spite hippies: You know how they wear shirts that say "leather is dead skin"? Now I'm going to wear shirts that say "cotton is dead flowers". I thought you hippies loved flowers. What happened to that? They say meat is murder, well I say vegetables are murder. To balance out the food chain-unbalancing anti-veggie movement of the hippies, I'm going to start a group of people that eat nothing but meat. Absolutely every component of our meals will come from some animal. I'm working on this recipe for chocolate chip cookies made of ground cow bone and elephant tusks. Instead of printing our propaganda on paper, I will paint it on animal skins. Everything we wear will be made entirely of leather. Uncomfortable? Probably, but I have to balance out this attack on the vegetable population and counter-attack the meat population and stop the hippy conspiracy to make trees and whales the dominant speicies on earth.
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