It's come to my attention that stupid as hell teenagers have been experimenting with reproduction because it's "like totally hip" and "cool". As someone who was a teenager, I know this MUST BE STOPPED. If I had more to say about it, you'd need a license to be a parent. Getting a license would be absurdly difficult. You would have to take a rigorous test and demonstrate in your day-to-day life that you aren't a complete asshole. You'd also need to give me a reason that I would want more people with your genes. Violating this rule would result in having your genitals electrictued and the baby killed. Of course, I'd make some exceptions to these rules. If you do something that I consider really awesome, like hunting lions with harpoon guns, sawing off your own arm with a blunt pocket knife to escape from a burning tractor (someone in my county did this), punching Paris Hilton, or subtly stealing a refrigerator from Best Buy in broad daylight without getting caught I will let you get away with breaking the rule. I was also going to say I'd let you get away with it if you were a really hot girl and you banged me, but I wouldn't want to do anything irresponsible with that power.
So anyhow, on with keepign the bastards abstinent... I invented a machine that will help parents keep their kids from getting knocked up. It's called the Abstinator. Here's a skematic of the Beta version of the design:
I call it the Abstinator and I designed it back during a second grade health class when we were talking about abstinence. I designed after realizing that a combination of a morningstar and a trebuchet would be incredibly badass (we were studing Medieval warfare in social studies at the time). I chose that name because it soudns like abstinence and is one of the few names badass enough for a part-trebuchet, part-mace weapon. I figured this would be a good backup to common sense and the trick that my parents used on me to make me think sex is uncool. If you're wondering what they said, they used the ultimate way to make your kids not want to do something: They said "Your parents do it.". Yeah, that kept me abstinent for a good 18 years from the time I heard it.
COMING SOON: Instruction for Operating the Abstinator
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