Today's topic is less about advice than something that is really pissing me off. Many of you may know it by the Nazi codename A&F. For those of you who don't know the Nazi's code, it's called Abercrombie and Fitch, although it's original name (Aberzombie and Bitch) decribed their target audience much more accurately. Since someone who fell for their mind control is going to flame me, I will now explain why these stores should be torched in order to preserve humanity's collective IQ.
First of all, we have their advertisements. I have nothing against gay people, but the idea of using pseudo-homo-porn to advertise really irritates me. And is that 4 meter picture of that jock with the waist ofhis pants around his knees really necessary? No, but it certainly attracts most ofthe stupid 13 year-old sluts who shop there.
If that's not enough, listen to their advertising slogan: Casual Luxury. WHAT... THE...FUCK!!!!??? Hey, asshole, the idea of luxury is that it is N-O-T casual. That's called an oxymoron, which is fitting because you'd have to be an oxygen-deprived moron to fall for that bull.
Oh, and listen to their "definitions" of a casual luxury, which are found within their stoes:
"1:A style identified and perfected by the lifestyle brand Abercrombie & Fitch"
Way to make your ads believable, asshat. "Lifestyle brand"? I don't believe lifestyle can be bought. And if you try to buy a lifestyle I hope all of your children die young so you understand that life is infinitely more valuable than money. Actually, that's not the only value of your children dying young, because if you think your lifestyle is defined by the places you shop, I really don't want you passing on your genes, for the sake of future generations' collective IQ.
"2: Passion for excellence in fabric, make, and wash"
Excellence? Are you serious? A majority of theirr products can be bought anywhere else, only a little cheaper. Excellence in make? Really? Is that why they come with various holes, scratches, paint marks, and various other imperfections? "Oh, but it's the cool style!!" Really? According to your previous definition, whatever you sell is the cool style so you're just trying to pass off pieces of shit as cool.
"3: Use of the finest cashmeres, pima cottons,and highest quality leather to create the ultimate in casual, c!assic attire"
First of all, I'd call your shit medium quality at best. Second of all, "ultimate"? YEAH RIGHT! There's a reason people never wear your crap to formal affairs (or, for the most part,semi-formal), and it's not because you're too good, even for those. Not much to criticize here, because I've never been able to endure the touch of one of their hideous products long enough to examine the materials, but based on their current record I'm willing to bet that's a load of crap too.
"4: Clothing created using the most refined, and sophisticated techniques to be original, comfortable, and above all sexy."
Note the unnecessary comma that I underlined and the lack of necessary commas around "above all". I knew these guys were stupid, but how did they screw up the English language and go this long without catching it? Secondly, how do these monsters sleep at night? "Sexy"? Sorry, sir, we have enough 12 year old whores already. We don't need you making more. Stop trying (it's not like those illiteate assholes are able to read the ads anyway). Refined and sophisticated techniques? I don't believe human rights activists would call sweat shop labor refined and sophisticated, but I didn't exactly expect any more from these racist, bigoted, scum. Oh, your clothing is original, is it? I suppose it is mass-produced to preserve this originality as well? But, wait, I thought it was also classic (see definition #3). You can't be original and c!assic, just like you can't be casual and luxurious *cough* Comfortable? The only products of yours that I've touched felt like burlap sacs (are they made of marijuana or something?). That's not my idea of comfortable, but, hey, you're the genuises who figured out how to market a lifestyle
My ability to endure stupidity has been maxed out for the day, so I'm ending this here, although I might continue it later, when my endurance has returned. While typing this I did realize that a luxury could be called casual if it is used so much that using it becomes casual, but at that point you wouldn't really call it a luxury. Oh, and Hot Topic people, don't think you're off the hook. You guys are a step above the Aberzombies (if that), but only because Hot Topic sells Foamy products so don't og getting all smug or my next blog post will be an in-depth explanation of why Hot Topic is not punk by any definition of the word and why Hot Topic shoppers should have stakes driven through their hearts (preferrably the same stakes I intend to burn the Abezombies at).
UPDATE: I entered the core of the beast recently, trying to buy a gift for one of my dumbass friends who wears that Abercrombie crap. I was looking through some shirts and one of their asshole employees comes stumbling up to me like he's wasted and asks in a fake accent if I need help finding my size. That says a hell of a lot about the people who shop there if they are incapable of deciphering XS=Xtra Small S=Small, M=Medium, L=Large, XL=Xtra Large. Also please note the lack of an "e" in "xtra", because adding the e would make their products dreadfully uncool.
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