I feel used.
But, GOD, he's gorgeous...
on the outside.
No commitment.
So many smiles, though they all belonged to him.
I actually don't feel very different...
Sort of guilty...
No one knows, I hope they don't, butI'm glad it's been done!
2:30... Poker...
Wasn't thinking clearly and I don't actually remember everything.
The smiles I remember though.
Not as good as it is supposed to be...
Then again we all knew it was just a matter of time before
he and I...
I can't believe it.
Not because it's so unbelieveable, it wasn't, but it hasn't sunk in and I haven't actually realized it yet.
Like a cloudy dream
NIGHTMARE...
I can barely remember.
Fourteen...
I don't really know how I feel about it yet. I feel like people can see a change in me; I don't see any change.
If the guy isn't clingy he's wanting to adopt me.
WHAT A NICE SUNNY DAY!
Saturday...
Hot as hell...
(only the day was)
Better on a waterbed, huh?
Not BAD though...
Could've gone for longer.
Only 10, 15 minutes?
That's it?!
I knew it though, minute man
Not GOOD though...
It just, WAS...
Ended too cliche:
"I'll call you sometime."
Yeh well fuck you, oops...
Been there, done that.
Yes, he might call.
And for one reason, well, actually two...
And I wish I had someone to tell.
I can't mention it.
My best friend would scoff:
"That's what you get..."
"Gross! I can't believe..."
>>>SLUT<<<
Would she really say that?
She said she knew that eventually
I would give in.
My ex-boyfriend would cry.
He wanted to make that conquest.
Virgin Princess...
Oh well, she died a quick death.
>>>SLUT<<<
No... Maybe?
The new love who has no clue?
He never speaks and never beLIEves.
Can't tell anyone yet.
Lie there and
b_r_e_a_t_h_e
It's unreal.
Not the experience but just that it actually occured.
NO FEELINGS...
He was so happy
to lose the innocence...
I actually found my self worried that he didn't enjoy it...
shut up
shut up
SHUT UP
Why do I feel like this?
Like less than nothing...
Maybe I am...
I don't know what I want.
I can't reach the ideals I have so
I SETTLED FOR THIS?!?
Oh well, I can't change it.
It has happened...
came home
took shower
devoured ice cream
watched movies
got asked out
(by someone I actually respect)
had iced coffee
First
Written Sunday,June 4, 2000