| 4-18-01 I could start this out in a number of ways. I could tell you how I was so wrong; how I should have known that you were what I wanted... what I needed. I could tell you this but it wouldn't make me feel any better and it wouldn't change your mind. I made a mistake. Not the first and I am sure there will be many to follow. But right now, I'm stuck here and I can't guarantee I will always feel this way, but I feel this way now. I try to live by "now." I don't want to plan too much, or worry too much, but maybe I should have. Maybe I should have thought about someone other than me for once. And maybe I should have taken you seriously. But no. How could anyone really "love" me? You can say it forever but how do you know what tomorrow will bring... Why do I shun what I have so long been looking for? Right now, I'm thinking of you. I can't express myself; I can't tell you how I really feel. I can just think it and hope that you will understand. But how could you? How can I even expect that, expect you to know how I work when I can't even begin to decipher myself. I want something simple, something beautiful, something... honest, just something. I don't know why I picked something else. I should have know, I should have seen what would happen; it was so obvious. I can't keep saying "I should have..." because it's much too late for that now. I am regretful. I don't know what to say to you to make you understand. I know I've lost my chance but I'm still trying. I see you and I'm still feeling this. I can't explain it. Maybe you'll stumble across this and catch a glimpse of how I feel. But why should you care, I never did... You are happy now. I can't stand it because I know that I could have been the one sharing that happiness with you. Oh, don't pay attention, I'm just being a girl. No, look at me! Do pay attention... I can't give this up, believe me, I've tried! What is it about you... I'm sorry. I have had experiences I would not wish on my worst enemy. Don't pity me because of them, but understand that I am the product of my environment. I do things a certain way because of what i have gone through in my life and I have these issues to work out for myself. I can't believe how perfect it could have been... I don't understand why you gave up on me. Yes I do, there are many times when I've given up on myself. I just want something. Why can't I have something with you? I'm not so bad... sometimes... Am I really so crazy? Am I really oo "wound up?" Maybe... I am an actress = I am a liar. The words are synonomous. I can't help it... This is raw emotion at its finest. I'm trying to tell you something. I'm still not sure what it is... Do you understand? So many times I've said too much and then I won't say enough. I've stood by the edge, wishing you'd hold my hand knowing too well I couldn't hide. I can't hide when I don't know which parts of my self to cover up. I don't cry and I am not crying now... I could... It's to the point where I don't even see a "bright side" anymore. I play and play and play and I always have a new "love" waiting in the wings. I am afraid. I am so afraid. i don't think I will ever really find "it." I can't explain this, I can't explain myself. I am trying, I am trying, I am trying. I've fallen and I really don't know if it's worth getting up again. I really don't know if I can withstand being broken again. You're breaking me, whether or not you realize it. Whether or not you actually care. Why can't I have a chance? For so long you waited just to turn away and reject me. It's okay, so many have done it before you. But I am tired! I am so exhausted from being what everyone wants me to be. I have lost the "self" need to be my"self." I am not insane. Does any of this make sense? (Why am I always seekign approval...???) Oh god. You know, sometimes I pray. I am not religious but I hope for something "nice." Someone... I'm just wandering around here cloaked in these lies. You can't see me and maybe now after you've read this, you won't want to. Why won't someone try to? Discover me... I can't get off this stage and I'm trying so hard to break the fourth wall - to tell you something - but I can't. I haven't that strength. I'm not as stong as I pretend to be. Could you ever love me? Really love me? It's harder than it looks, I imagine, I even have trouble. I don't understand this, I don't. What is wrong with me? Here it is, my computer-based confession, but I am too afraid to show you. Too afraid that I will lose the nothing of you I think I have. Why am I clinging to this? Is it my only salvation. The thought that maybe one day I could have this is enough to keep me going... until I find a new obsession. I don't think this is an obsession. I believe that I am an emotional person and that something in you inspired me. I think you are the kind of person that could read this and might understand. You can't pick who you "love" or are attracted to, you can't help yourself. So I don't blame you as long as you don't blame me. She may be everything I'm not and probably more. I can't be a judge, I'm rather biased. Tell me what is so wrong with me. I don't want to feel bad anymore. I don't want to cry inside anymore. I am too ashamed for you to see. I want to let you in. I want to find myself in you. This is so sentimental. It is so sappy and awful and poorly written. It's cliche but... it's sincere. I can't help that I am bad at this. I am open with the parts of me that are nothing more than glass - maybe even "plastic." God, I hope not. I'm looking for some purpose, help me. I've written all this, just to say one thing: give me another chance... |