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Bisk Softball: A Season on the Pink Week 1 Vs. TA Mahoney -- L 14-1 Thankfully, it was all in good fun. Yesterday's decrepid display of palsied fielding and feeble bat-wielding produced some of the funniest cheers and excuses these ears have ever heard. I'll just say that "poop up" was as good a running gag as there has been during a softball game. Anyway, unless one of the teams in this league is comprised solely of polio-stricken kindergarteners, World War I widows, or a celebrity team led by Verne Troyer and Stephen Hawking, I really don't envision us winning a game. Nonetheless, it seems we'll be heading out after work tomorrow for some practice in our weakest areas: hitting, pitching, and fielding. Week 2 Game 1 vs. Beef O'Brady's Seffner -- L
15-5 Once again we were defeated by the mercy rule--this time the umps called "uncle" for us after it was 15-4, but the casual observer, with a handful of extended and appropriately timed trips to the bathroom, might have confused us with an operation that actually knew what it was doing. We played much more solid defense and actually held the lead into the 4th inning. But if one play symolized our squad's defensive skills, it was a hard grounder to short which Marlon scooped up beautifully and flipped to Alison standing on second for the force. Of course, she then proceeded to tag the runner anyway and then jump up and down, yelling "I caught it!" while the man on third spinted home. In other positive news, with 5 runs scored, not only did we quintuple our scoring output from last week, but we've already topped Las Vegas odds-makers' over/under for September runs scored. Game 2 vs. South Bay Hospital -- W 10-9 The first few innings featured dare I say sparkling defense and a heroic back-and-forth bewteen two evenly matched teams. But South Bay seemed to lay us on the gurney after posting 4 runs in the top of the 5th to give themselves a 9-4 lead. We managed to scrape out 1 run in the bottom half before Nikki popped one up toward our dugout. The South Bay Hospital pitcher and third baseman both scampered toward it, but as the pitcher was crossing through a pit of mud he winced in pain and fell to the ground. And while the 3rd baseman made the catch to end the inning, we saw our chance--their pitcher could barely walk off the field, so they'd have to find a replacement. Rhonda made quick work of them in the top half of the 6th, leaving us with a 4-run deficit and a grim determination to show these hospital staffers how we operate. Two singles, a walk, and a couple errors later and, like an overmatched boxer slugging the champ with a bag of nickels when no one's looking, we dropped the hammer to dramically win the game, 10-9. The crowd went crazy, we mobbed each other at home plate, and I'm not sure, but I thought I saw some tears in our manager's eyes. They say winning can be like a drug, and--in the opinion of yours truly--we got our first hit of that crack pipe of victory and we liked it. Week 3 Vs. TA Mahoney -- L 10-0 Those feelings quickly subsided when the game began and Mahoney's exposed our weaknesses in every phase of the game, particularly offense, defense, pitching, morale, style, substance, character, and dignity. The final was 10-0, only the mercy rule saving us from further humiliation. Our offensive output could be politely described as "impotent" or "nauseating." I asked around, and no one could remember a team getting shutout before. Fundamentally sound in a way that makes the phrase only partly preposterous, we actually fielded several balls cleanly in the first inning. Unfortunetly, most were followed by either an egregious fielding error or line drive base-hit. It's rather fitting that our games our played on a road named Providence, as it appears that is what we'll need to actually compete in this league. Oh, but here's our new idea--we're seeking a boisterous team of "Boo Birds" -- fans, friends, and co-workers who loudly turn on us when things go south. This year's fans have already included one girl's mother, a couple friends of mine, and several non-roster co-workers, all of whom would look good hurling obscenities, wearing bags over their heads, and holding up signs bearing such slogans as "LUKE IS NOT OUR SON" or "LUKE WAS AN ACCIDENT." If you're interested let me know. Week 4 Vs. Exp@nets of Tampa Bay -- L 17-7 Further bolstering our spirits was the news that our opponent, Exp@nets, actually had a worse record than us (0-4) and--even better--share with us a general lack of interest in "glory" or "heroics" or "winning" or "staving off humiliation." And it's true, sharing the field with them is like a breath of fresh air or a soothing colonic compared to some of the uber-competitive blowhards this league posseses. So, while this did make the game more enjoyable, the enventual loss was rendered all the more sour. It's really hard to find much of a silver lining here, but if you're willing to do some creative, WorldCom-style bookkeeping, you'd find that without the first and last innings, we won by 4. Pitching woes and defensive blunders were what did us in this week. Unlike the free-swinging teams of weeks-past, Expanets was happy to get on base any way they could, to the tune of about 5 or 6 bases-on-balls. We had the lead for a couple innings and went into the last down by only two, but managed to let 8 cross the plate before the third out was mercifully recorded. Week 5 Vs. Beef O'Brady's Seffner -- Rained out vs. Exp@nets-- L 9-6
Not to make excuses, but perhaps the utter complexity of these rules and regulations are the reason why new entrants, such as us, have a hard time competing against the teams that have been battling it out each Autumn Tuesday for the past 9 years. We had one such insight that can only sprout from experience chopped into our conciousness last night. That is: girls should try for bases-on-balls. Not only does one need just 3 balls for a walk, but with the baffling rules that attempt to prevent teams from walking men to get to women, a walk has a distinct advantage over a single or even a double. Unfortunately for us, Exp@nets of Tampa discovered this tidbit before we could, and used it to the tune of 9 runs on 12 bases-on-balls. Remember back in week 4 when I said that Exp@nets "shared with us a general lack of interest in 'glory' or 'heroics' or 'winning' or 'staving off humiliation.'"? Well, while we have relished in our role of league whipping post, Exp@nets apparently grew a distate for it, taking each ball and subsequent walk with the grim determination of a biological-weapons disarmament unit. There is truly nothing in this world more frustrating than watching walk after walk in a recreation softball league. But last night's dolorous experience gave me inspiration. As I approach my mid-twenties, I've come to look back on my post-colliegiate life with deep-seated ambivalence, as true happiness and spiritual fulfillment have hovered just outside my grasp. I've sought solace in all the typical hollow pursuits: friends, job, girlfriends, the consumption of alcohol, and the occasional minor narcotic. All brought their pleasures, however fleeting, but none could soothe my troubled soul. Now I realize there is a hole in my heart that can only be filled by a softball victory against Exp@nets and their non-swinging ways. The rematch -- 9 p.m. October 22. Get ready. Week 7 vs. Beef O'Brady's Seffner -- L 9-4 & TA
Mahoney -- L 14-3 Sure we lost 2 more games last night, bringing our record to a meager 1-7, but we had 14 people show up for the double-header. Not a bad turnout for a team that knows defeat, misery, and hopelessness as well as any Dostoevsky character. Unfortunately, in addition to our two losses in the standings last night, we may have lost our best player to the DL. Pete appears to he pulled his hamstring and several more players took bad hops to the stomach, leg, and hand. Don't let anyone tell you softball players aren't athletes. Always looking for gems in the giant pile of manure that has been our season, I present to you our plays and players of the game. On defense this award has to go to the sparkling play of Lindsey, our second baseman. She not only recorded at least 2 put-outs, but several assists, including a Luis Rivas-like stop on a grounder to her left. Well done, Lindsey. It's harder to find a player that performed well offensively, but this week the award goes to Travis, who rocked his first home run of the year over the left-field wall, narrowly missing the car of yours-truly. His blast ties him for the team lead in home runs on the season: Home Run Derby: The Race For 73 Pete 1 Be sure to check back next week for the latest on this exciting home run race. Week 10 Vs. Exp@nets of Tampa Bay -- L 14-5 We couldn't scrounge together 10 players for last week's game against South Bay Hospital, but fortunately a biblical rainstorm cancelled all the night's games--nulling the forfeit and and forcing a reschedule. After all, why settle for a hollow, unearned victory when years of false hope and degradation could theoretically culminate in getting the real thing? That may of course just be my biased opinion, however. Tonight's game, built up as the bat-shouldering sissies of Exp@nets versus the free-swinging, fun-loving rastabouts of Bisk (see Week 6), didn't quite live up to its massive hype. For one thing, Exp@nets (mercifully) ditched their strategy of looking for the bases-on-balls in favor of the traditional route of pounding us into the ground relentlessly. They put up a quick 6 in the first inning and never looked back, finally assuring our utter humiliation with back-to-back home runs in the 6th. Our defense was hideous, and though our 5-run offensive outburst is among our season highs, it was mostly on account of their errors or just dumb luck. Like The Mighty Ducks, our early attempts to compete with the big boys -- in our case, a team with several overweight senior citizens with degenerative knees -- have led us down the path of humiliation. Victory and redemption didn't come easy to The Mighty Ducks, and it hasn't come easy for us. The best things in life never do. We will have, however, one last chance to secure win #2 next week, in our final regular season game. Let's hope we're ready. Week 11 vs. Beef O'Brady's Seffner -- Forfeit L
6-3 I'll spare you the details of our scrimmage game (which we--surprise--lost) and instead give you this beautiful story from last summer's World Cup festivities that's almost absurdly relevant to our softball fortunes. It seems that 203 countries have internationally sanctioned soccer teams, with World Cup competition dominated by the likes of France, Portugal, Germany, and 2002 champion Brazil. All 203 teams are listed in a sort of power ranking, and, naturally, it occurred to someone out there that some unfortunate country must be ranked #203. To determine the last-place team once and for all, #203 (the Caribbean island of Montserrat) and #202 (the Himalayan kingdom of Bhutan) played in a June 30 game recognized by soccer's international governing body. The match, lovingly dubbed "The Worst Cup," took place hours before the World Cup final between Brazil and Germany. Thanks to a powerful home-field advantage--as with Mile High Stadium, opposing teams dread having to come into Thimphu's Changlimithang Stadium due to its dizzying altitude--and a hat trick by captain Wangyel Dorji, the Bhutanese came out the victors, clobbering Montserrat by a score of 4-0. Prior to that game, Bhutan had lost all seven of its league-sanctioned games, including a 20-0 loss to Kuwait that must have made our combined 24-1 losses to TA Mahoney look like nailbiters. Montserrat players expressed hope for a rematch on its home turf, half of which was rendered uninhabitable by a volcanic eruption seven years ago. Pretty eerie parallels, huh? Here in Tampa we strive to be Bhutan to someone else's Montserrat, a feat we have only pulled off once so far. More details on "The Worst Cup" are located here. |