Official Island of...

I saw on the Food Network that this town in Colorado has a parade for Chex Mix every year. Why? Because it is the Official Snack of the City. There's no Chex factory there. Not even a pretzel or bagel-chip plant. In fact, no one in the entire town has anything remotely to do with the snack's creation/distribution.

From what I understand, two stoners conjured up a plan to score some free Mix by convincing the town to sell its soul to General Mills. Now, they get a few free cases of Chex Mix every year and throw a parade in its honor (the show didn't mention, however, what percentage sales went up in the city after this ludicrous idea came into fruition).

This brings up an interesting idea. Why doesn't Davis Island have some meaningless title that brings us corporate handouts? Certainly nothing so trifling as a popular snack mix, though. No, it must be something worthy of our community's stature. Hence, some ideas:

Official Island of Jetpacks
They were flying these things in the 60's weren't they? What happened to them? We should have jetpacks by now. Hell, Super Dave had one in the 1980's. Scientists should be working on this. If we could get a sponsor to give jetpacks away to Davis Island residents in return for a parade (or fly-by) in honor of them, life would be so very good.

Official Island of South African Lobster
I've never actually had South African lobster, but a restaurant in Pinellas has it for $85. The manager told me it is delectable and I believe him. And I'm willing to bet that its delectability intensifies exponentially if it is free.

Official Island of Porsche
We convince Porsche to bestow a new 2003 Porsche 911 upon every resident of Davis Island. They can then bring a camera crew in and tape a series of commercials showing how a town full of Porsche drivers is so very much happier than a town of heterogeneous automobiles. We will smile and wave to the cameras. Once they leave, we can sell our hundreds of Porsches and donate the million or so dollars to charity, bringing genuine smiles to our faces.

Official Island of Former Teen Celebrities
We invite the Hollywood teen stars of yesteryear for a week-long festival in which they regale us with stories of zany coked-up hi-jinx and warn us to beware of women named Axle. We could warn them to beware of the over-pricing at Tampa General's McDonald's (speaking of which, aren't the customers at said McDonald's going through enough, what with being at the hospital and all, do they really need to be fleeced for their Happy Meal?)

Official Island of Mango
Such an under-appreciated fruit.

Official Island of Metaphors and Similes
These really should be used more in everyday speech. Perhaps if it was official, this could happen.

Official Island of Arthur Bradford's Short Stories
He just writes them so well.

Official Island of Canada
I'm not exactly sure how this one would work.

Official Island of Avril Lavigne
She's talented, she's sanguine, and she's with the sk8rboy. Everyone who hates her should have his head covered with honey, then dunked in a box of Styrofoam popcorn.

Official Island of Better Off Dead
Few movies bring such consistent laughs after so many viewings.

Official Island of Chandeliers
Making dining rooms elegant for over 500 years.

Official Island of Rosalita
The Springsteen song. My favorite one at that. Perhaps he would play it for us. I've never heard it live in person. Bootlegs yes. In person no. I think my legs would gelatinize.

Official Island of Mint Girl Scout Cookies
Whoever can resist eating an entire column in one sitting I congratulate, and envy your forbearance in the face of such dark, minty temptation.

Ever Official Isle to Hotels I Laic, if for Eve
That makes very little sense, perhaps none whatsoever, but it's a palindrome, folks. And palindromes rule.

Official Island of Peacocks
My utopia is a world where peacocks hunt for breadcrumbs on every corner instead of pigeons (no offense to you pigeons).

Official Island of Tim Russert
He's like a button!

Official Island of Barcelona Chairs
Easy on the eyes, easy on the arse.

More to come....

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