The Journals of Gerhard Kaufman

Monday, September 4
Today, my colleagues and I made a startling discovery while excavating the ruins behind the Theater of Dionysus. Dr. Saul Holcman was taking a break due to the intense heat when he accidently spilled his egg salad. In a hunger and heat induced frenzy, he dropped to his knees and began savagely gnawing at the earth. He soon passed out due to a gross intake of sediment, but while we were removing his limp body, Professor Morton Goeppert noticed a smooth slab pf rock that contained what looks to be writing. We removed the slab and delivered it to our best translator, Dr. Harns Groeffning. I am wacky with titilation.

Tuesday, September 5
Fantastic news! The slab has turned out to be a lost play Sphocles. Harns has not yet completed the translation, but tells us that it appears to be an epilogue of sorts to Oedipus the King. He added that if we stopped barging into his tent every three minutes he would have finished it by now, but instead expects it complete by tomorrow night. In more troubling news, we have lost another colleague. Niccolo Maggiodanti was attacked by a baby wildebeest that mistook his fedora for a possum. We are now down to a crew of just five.

Wednesday, September 6
The translation is complete! I must say that this play is quite unlike any other Greek tragedy, comedy, or lyric poem I have ever read. My research assistant Renot Hordenpuss believes it to be Sophocles' rebuff to the changing moral standards of the time, but we all laughed at her because she voted for Bush. In this drama, titled "Jerridi", a new lead character of the same name appears. Unlike any other Sophoclean play, Jerridi spends much of the play in the audience and chorus, even interacting with them. It begins:

Jerridi: I welcome you to edition continued of the Jerrdi show. Today thou seest before us our soverign lord and king, Oedipus.
Oedipus: By the oracles of fire, I greet you my fellow Thebians.
Chorus: Boo... Hisss...
Jerridi: But slow, for as we may be witless, we shall give ear to the banished still.
Oedipus: To resolve your doubt I say I was knowledgeless in my actions of what we now know!

Oedipus tries to explain himself to the audience and chorus, but they continue to deride him with vicious slurs, many unfit for me to reprint here. Harns is perplexed as to when this play is puported to take place, seeing as how Oedipus died at the end of Oedipus at Colonus, and he claims it couldn't possibly follow Oedipus the King. This afternoon he even hinted that the play might be a fraud, pointing out that the word "Newports" popped up several times. Dr. Odo Liguori came to play's defense by claiming that Sophocles was simply taking literary license: "He saw a money maker and he took it, I mean Michael Crichton did it with Jurassic Park." I am now retiring to bed, however, for it has been a long day. Unfortunately, our crew has shrunk to four. With this afternoon's dark clouds approching, Renot ran to cover our excavation, but tripped and got her head stuck in an umbrella.

Thursday, September 7
It is now just myself and two others now as Goeppert had to be taken to the hospital this morning after being stuck by lightning while buttering his thighs. In better news, I have finished reading the Jerridi translation and discovered more intriging dialog:

Jerridi: Oedipus I now beseech you, for what to say if thy mother was backstage?
Oedipus: I but half caught thy meaning; say it again. My mother is dead.
Jerridi: That is the truth, but look we see actors to portray Laius and Jocasta!
Oedipus: Utter folly has been summoned here!
Laius: I fear your life is the utter folly, Oedipus!
Jerridi: Strong words he doth speak. Oedipus, we await your response.
Oedipus: I'm leaving.
Jocasta: Look, can you not see what thine actions have done me?
Oedipus: No. I'm blind.

A bit later in the play, Sophocles brings out Cassandra, the seeress daughter of Priam.

Jerridi: Tell me Cassandra, what can Oedipus do to reconcile his family and state?
Cassandra: There will be lawyers and I know of what it is but I know it is a psychiatrist.
Oedipus: Why be Cassandra here? She madness she doth speak!
Cassandra: There will be a great complex named for you.
Oedipus: How could that credit me? I am not in athletics.

From here Sophocles begins to end the drama. Unfortunately, Oedipus is unable to reconcile with the actors portraying his parents and I assume he will still kill himself in Colonus. Sophocles gives us hope for another find however, with the ending lines of the drama:

Jerridi: For when we doth meet again on Jerridi, a working family hires an au-paire for their baby, but tragedy doth strike when they realize they hired Medea. Good night, everybody!

Friday, September 8
We are heading home tonight to present our findings to the university, plus Groeffning needs immediate medical attention due to a nasty looking scorpion bite on his neck.

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