Bio

There's an old saying in literature: "Good poets borrow; great poets steal." I think T.S. Eliot stole it from Ezra Pound. In any event, with that in mind I was planning on stealing my bio from Dennis Rodman's "Bad as I Wanna Be." Since our lives are so similar, most people wouldn't even notice. But then I came across the Gauguin quote, "There are only two kinds of artists: the plagiarists and the revolutionaries." I don't know what that means, but I lost both my copies of "Bad as I Wanna Be," so here's my real bio:

Luke was born on Labor Day in New York City in 1978. Some point out the symbolism of his mother going into labor on Labor Day, others dismiss this as his simply being conceived exactly 9 months prior to the holiday. His parents soon brought him to New Jersey, to hide him from the Gambino crime family and sacrifice him to la famiglia Lucchese. Here he escaped sacrifice and the drudgery of adolescence by joining a free-sex cult, smoking crack between orgies, and driving sports cars into swimming pools.

After high school, he left New Jersey for Florida to attend the University of Tampa and meet elderly women. It was here, after a tryst with former Secretary of State Katherine Harris, that he decided to become the greatest writer/revolutionary in the 33606 zip code. Tossing her out of his room (and his life) in a state of post-coital bliss, he immediately began writing the Great American Novel, a work he has since abandoned.

He currently resides on Davis Island.

Ok, ok, ok. I'll give you more than generic pop culture references and putrid lies. Here's some lists so you can judge me if you agree with Rob and Barry in High Fidelity about how what you like is more important than what you are like.

Films
1. Airplane. Yes, we've all seen it 200 times, but try and tell me you don't watch it every time it's on TNT.
2. Waiting for Guffman. The best is David Cross as the UFO expert.
3. Amelie. Such optimism is so rare in American films.
4. The Royal Tenenbaums. So dryly funny and yet so touching.
5. Waking Life. Wildly original and thought provoking.

Albums
1. The Wild, The Innocent, & the E-Street Shuffle -- Bruce Springsteen: So verbose and poetic.
2. Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots -- The Flaming Lips: Beautiful and strange and funny and magical.
3. NIA -- Blackalicious: The most masterful socially-conscious rhymes.
4. Pirate's Choice -- Orchestra Baobob: A chill-out Cuban-African masterwork.
5. If I Should Fall From Grace With God -- The Pogues: Raucous Irish punk drinking songs.

Books
1. The Little Prince -- Antoine De Saint-Exupery: I've probably read it 50+ times, but it's still just as beautiful and moving.
2. A Confederacy of Dunces -- John Kennedy Toole: Hilarious and smart and completely lovable.
3. The Brothers Karamzov -- Fyodor Dostoevski: Simply the greatest novel I've ever read.
4. You Shall Know our Velocity -- Dave Eggers: So inspiring and warm-hearted.
5. The Wind-up Bird Chronicle -- Haruki Murakami: Strange, funny, mysterious.

TV Shows
1. The Simpsons -- The reruns only.
2. Seinfeld -- Ditto.
3. 24 -- The only new show I watch anymore.
4. Um, I can't think of anymore TV shows I watch....

Historical Figures
1. TR -- Badass
2. Alexander Hamilton -- So underrated.
3. Howard Hughes -- How kickass will Scorsese's Hughes bio pick be?
4. Caligula -- Just hysterically insane.
5. George Psalmanazar -- Read Banvard's Folly.

Animated Dogs
1. Odie -- Garfield's slow-witted foil.
2. Huckleberry Hound -- Laid back cool.
3. Laddy -- The Lassie clone that Bart bought on The Simpsons.
4. Davy Dog -- The garbageman(dog?) in the Richard Scarry books.
5. Charlie B. Barkin -- Burt Reynolds in All Dogs Go to Heaven.

Phases of the Moon
1. Waning Crescent -- Traditionally attractive.
2. Full -- Boldly illuminated.
3. Waxing Gibbous -- Football-like and you know it'll be full soon.
4. First Quarter -- Nicely split and with the good half showing.
5. Waxing Crescent -- Better than nothing, but wrong direction.

Dogs & Siblings
1. Begora -- Sweet, simple, slightly disabled.
2. Mark -- Older, currently living on the other side of Earth.
3 & 4. Molly -- Yes, both.
5. Penfold -- A touch unruly, but well-bred.

Playing Card Suits
1. Spades -- Dark and mysterious.
2. Hearts -- Because most card games need more love.
3. Clubs -- Insinuates luck but, in my case, rarely brings it.
4. Diamonds -- Rather boring when you consider how brilliant diamonds really are.
5. I guess there are only 4...

More to come....

Home