Contrary to published reports, the US has not suspended flights of Taliban detainees to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba because of space limitations at the base. Rather, they are performing an emergency feasibility study based upon an incident aboard a Scandinavian Airline Systems flight last year. During that incident, an American woman inadvertently sealed herself to the toilet by activating the vacuum flush mechanism before standing.
"If this works," said a US military spokesman, "as long as it doesn't damage the male anatomy, we figure to install 30 to 50 vacuum toilets on the planes for the detainees. Sit 'em, flush, and they're goin' nowhere 'til they get to Guantanamo Bay. Ought to eliminate the need for those shackles and hoods the human rights folks hate so much."
One difficulty so far is obtaining male volunteers to test the vacuum suction necessary to hold them in place while determining at what level the men would become eunuchs. Genital re-attachment is guaranteed for volunteers in the event of mishaps, but the response is still poor.
In other news from Afghanistan, US officials acknowledge surprise at the poor reception they have received from al Qaeda and Taliban members to that same "Get Away To Sunny Cuba" air travel and accommodation package.
"Look at it this way," an exasperated spokesman for the program said. "Would you rather spend your days in a cold and gloomy cave in Afghanistan in winter, with bombs raining down? O would you rather stay, all expenses paid, in an 8' by 8' room with a view of Guantanamo Bay in the sunny Caribbean?" Adapted from The Ornery American |
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