Patricia Marion Tan Jia Ai
The first time I saw you, I almost died,
To see all the tubes attached to your tiny frame,
All the fears I had for you and the tears I cried
While calling out to you, softly and lovingly saying your name.
To Papa and me you were our little miracle,
When you were born you were no bigger than a kitten.
We watched you fight, we watched you struggle,
We watched you grow and with your cute face we were smitten.
All the agonies of waiting for you to grow healthy and strong,
Each time we hoped you could be discharged.
Neonatal Intensive Care Units in Assunta Hospital and Selayang
Hospital was your home,
Mama and Papa could only look at your empty cot and cry.
When Mama and Papa made the decision to let you go,
Believe me darling it was the hardest thing we had to do.
If we had let you stayed, we would have been cruel
For baby, life for you would have been a lifetime of struggles.
Mama knows that you are in heaven with Jesus
At times when Mama is sad, I can feel you with us.
My darling Patricia, my beautiful baby daughter
Never more will I hear your cries or laughter.
Bless you my baby and I will not say goodbye
For we will soon be together forever and not for a little while.
In heaven with Jesus and the angels is where my baby stays
From now till the end of days.
I love you Patricia my precious baby
I miss you so much daily that it�s pure agony.
I know the pain will eventually lessen
And memories of you will be always pleasant.
Did you know that April 18, 2000 was one of the happiest moments of my life? Beautiful baby, after 10 long years of waiting, I was finally confirmed to be pregnant. The doctor was a little worried about the your size being a wee bit smaller than normal 5 weeks old fetuses. I was worried and later found out from my sister that it was normal for smokers to have smaller sized fetuses. Yes, I was a chain smoker and when I found out that I was pregnant, I went cold turkey.
The first few weeks were euphoric for me. I reveled in my new status as a pregnant woman. I praised the Lord Jesus and his beautiful mother Mary for this miracle. Your Papa was worried about the well being of the both of us. When the first complications set in, I almost lost my mind. I was so afraid of losing you Patricia. I had to be confined in bed for a few days in the third month of my pregnancy. I decided to quit my job there and then for you are more important to Mama than any crummy old job. I loved you from the moment I knew I was having you. I still love you baby.
I can still remember the first time I felt you move in my womb. It was such a wonderful feeling. The first time you kicked, I was so excited and I just had to call your Papa and tell him. At first we thought you were a baby boy. When Mama saw you for the first time on the ultra sound machine, I just wept tears of joy. When the doctor told us that we were going to be the proud parents of a baby girl, both your Papa and I were delirious with joy. The plans we made, the clothes we bought for you, your toys and your baby cot chosen with loving thoughts of having you home with us.
October 16th 2000, I felt you move very actively than usual and in a panic I rushed to the hospital and the doctor said that the water bag in which you were in was leaking and again I had to be confined to bed. Your Papa and I were so worried. Poor Papa had to take care of Mama and go to work, put up with your Mama�s bursts of anger and frustration when he had so much on his plate. Your Papa is such a wonderful husband and father.
Mama can still visualise the morning of October 26, 2000 at 5.30 am you woke Mama up by giving Mama a scare. My contractions started and I woke your Papa up. I was worried because you were only due on December 26th and you were 2 months too early to be born. Well, the doctor confirmed that my sweet impatient baby girl wanted out! We decide on a C-section and at 1.29 p.m. on that Deepavali afternoon, you were born.
You weighed only 0.95kgs and the pediatrician was not too optimistic about you making it. But you proved her wrong! You were Papa and Mama�s ��warrior princess�� and you were the most beautiful little baby to us. Papa was the first to see you and Papa fell in love with his beautiful baby when he laid eyes on you. Papa was worried about you so much that he cried silently at my bedside in the hospital. Papa told Mama that you were in a critical stage. Mama wanted to get out of the hospital bed to see you immediately but I couldn�t because of the C-section.
Patty girl, you were born with Down�s Syndrome, lungs which were not fully matured and congenial heart disease. Mama felt your pain and knew that you were struggling to stay alive. Mama prayed so hard for your recovery but God love you more. On Ash Wednesday 28th February 2001, you lapsed into a coma and you woke up and were alert for 12 hours before you finally closed your eyes forever at 8.30 p.m. on the night of March 1, 2001. How Papa and I cried. A part of me died with you that night Tricia darling.
When the news of your death reached the nurses in Assunta Hospital�s children ward, Sister Anjali, Nurses Olive, Punitha and Heng immediately sent you roses and came to your cremation. Mama�s heart broke into millions of pieces when your little coffin was pushed into the crematorium and the fires burnt your little coffin with your sweet little body in it. The pain of losing you still haunts me every day. I can still see you in my mind and feel you in my heart.
Mama misses you so much baby. I still cry and I sometimes wonder why God gave you to me and then took you away. Patricia you are and always will be Mama and Papa�s special baby. Look down from heaven and see the tears I cry for you. Come and visit me when you can, for in you all my hopes for a child were fulfilled and ended.
Now Papa and Mama have to live each day with memories of you. Papa misses you a whole lot and he is so strong for Mama. I know he is still hurting and yet he keeps it all inside him. The only way we can see you and play with you is in our dreams. Tricia darling, please be a good angel at Jesus feet and ask the good Lord to bless Mama and Papa with another sweet child.
Papa and Mama will love you forever. Hugs and kisses to you my darling baby.
Forever Your Loving Mama, Mary
