By Chan Lilian, October 2004

The loss of one’s child completely changed a person’s personality. Sometimes, I woke up wondering what kind of person I am. There are many times when I know that I am a very caring person and my heart goes out to other parents. I know that if I were to come across another bereaved parents, I will embrace them and shower them with my compassion and understanding. I will probably sit down and cry along with them. Then, there are times when I feel that I do not want to hear about another child’s death. I do not want to feel for the parents as I have too much to bear on my own. Also, there are days when I just want to pretend that I don’t feel sad anymore and try to live a ‘normal, happy’ life.

I suppose such are the feelings all the other bereaved parents go through. If you are wondering if joining a grief support like this one – Malaysianmomshare online grief support is for you, then please take time to read the thoughts I am going share with you. Somehow, I hope that when you read through, you will be able to decide if being in a group of bereaved parents will help you or hamper your grief journey.

Firstly, you will probably know that when you are part of a group, you will face many newly bereaved parents. Sometimes, just reading about how their child died will leave a big lump in your throat. You will probably be in shock at the manner the child died, for e.g. in a negligent and careless situation. It makes you angry on behalf of the parents. You shudder at the thoughts of how the parents cope. You know that these parents are for real, they are probably living in your neighbourhood. You wonder how they pull through their days and nights losing, for e.g., their one and only child. Then, you feel helpless that you cannot do much to help them. So, you probably ask why in the first place do you want to know about their loss? If it is something you can’t do anything about it, what is the point of knowing? Wouldn’t that make you feel a little busybody? Don't you wish to mind only your own business?

Secondly, you may feel that by being part of a group, you will probably be asked again and again, how your own child died. You do not enjoy repeating all the sad details. You do not want to keep telling every newly bereaved parent the same thing again and again.

Thirdly, you may think that if you go around in circles talking about your deceased child, you will never get out of your grieving process.

Fourthly, you do not feel comfortable sharing your deepest emotions with someone you never meet face-to-face.

However.... there are people who found that being connected to a group of bereaved parents help them in their moments of pain. I for one love to talk about my son. There are days like when his birthday or death anniversary are approaching and I would inevitably fall into a confusing period where I have the urge to do something, just anything to affirm the fact that yes, I was once a mother to him . Everything seems to revolve around him. I will go through days and even weeks thinking about him, getting teary over him and having a strong desire to make him part of my life. These are days when I know I can turn to other bereaved parents to hear me out. It is probably just some silly thoughts and wishful thinking to ‘normal’ people. 'Normal' people may even freaked out if we talk too much and reminded them too often about our dead child. But to bereaved parents, all these are very important things to acknowledge. I will have someone ready and willing to listen to things like ‘hey, you know, if my baby is here today, he would be running around as a toddler’ or ‘my son's school mates have all entered university and I am sure if he is here, he would be too’.

In our normal routine, how many bereaved parents do we know physically? Probably none at all. So, having a group support, albeit an online one, helps a lot. They are my punching bag when I have a rush of anger over something. They are my listening ears.

Even though there are times when I really do not want to hear about another child’s death, I know that being there for another bereaved parent will mean so much to the person. It doesn’t take up much of my time. I do not lose anything by providing a listening ear and writing a few kind words which comes straight from my heart. And if I am really not into talking, I know that amongst the other members, someone is sure to provide the comfort the newly bereaved parents need.

I want bereaved parents to know that there is no way that one can reach a point in our life where the deceased child no longer matters or exists. Just no way! Many of the bereaved parents I know will echo my thoughts. We do get panic sometimes if we have really lost the memories of our child. Losing them physically is already bad enough. Therefore, there is no way that we will allow our child to be lost from our memories too. Having the outlet to talk about our child gives us the comfort that yes, our child is still very much part of our life.

So, if you are a bereaved parent, whether you have just lost your child or you have lost your child for several years, you can be assured that we will be here and ready to provide you our understanding and concern. Please think through and see if you would like to share your grief and pain with us. Sign up with the group if you are ready to be part of us, the bereaved parents. We keep the beautiful memories of our children alive in our thoughts. We hope we can help you to do that too. Please click the below link to join.