why does it hurt so much?
I don't understand this
my head should hurt
my mind should hurt
my body should hurt
hell, my liver should hurt...
but why, why does it actually hurt my heart?
why can I feel a knife digging deeper into my chest?
why can I feel tears burning my cheeks as they stream down?
why can I even feel?
she can't see me now, I don't think she ever could
she told me he didn't want me to live with him
she said it in the cruelest way
then she said she was sorry
and that she was just angry
why couldn't she be like him
and yell and scream at me?
why did she have to say that?
why does it hurt?
why can I feel it?
I�m an unwanted being
I�m useless to them
I�m pathetic, too
she bought me knives for the holidays
she doesn't know they're not just for display
she doesn't know the scars on my arms aren't from the cat
she doesn't know that I�ve been eyeing all the medicine bottles
she doesn't know that my knives have been cutting deeper and deeper
she doesn't know that I already knew he didn't love me
she doesn't know how much it hurts
she doesn't know that I feel like this
she doesn't know me
because if she did, I�d already be dead
she couldn't understand that I�ve committed suicide twenty seven times
she doesn't know I took her pills and swallowed them all when I was eleven
she doesn't know that I should have died
she doesn't know that my road to recovery just got more twisted
she doesn't know that I�m contemplating everything in my life
because right now, I�m wondering
would she even care if I was gone?
would any of them even care if I was gone?
would they miss me?
would they even notice?
I�m one measly floor away from my death bed
does she know?
do you know?
does she care?
do you care?
I�m looking around, I know I�m taking everything for granted
my freedom, my liberty, my gifts, my life
I'd give it up, every last fucking thing I have
my every waking breath, just to have a family again
even if it's only for a second
that would be an eternity of happiness
just to see them smiling together,
with my little baby sister in their arms
that would be heaven
if I could just feel that love I�ve been denied all these years
I would gladly sell away my soul
just to have us all together as a family
I need that love,
that love that I�ve never seen, never felt
because, in the end
love is the only thing we have, isn't it?
...only, I�ve come to despise it
to reject it, to destroy it
to let it destroy me, because
I�ve never felt what true love is, or is like
I don't even know the meaning of the word
I probably never will
so here I sit, thinking about how it would be if I died
questions are racing though my mind and I can't answer any of them
my eyes are red and weary from crying so much
this life, can't be real
I must be dreaming
I know I�m dreaming
and I know I�m not and I know this is what real
I wish it wasn't and I�ll probably wish it wasn't forever
it hurts...
I can feel everything,
it's all crashing down like giant tidal waves
that break apart all the coast lined cities
and it hurts, it hurt so much
it's all i can feel, all of it is pain
I can't focus right
I wanna it all to go away...
she bought me knives for the holidays
she doesn't know they're not just for display
she doesn't know the scars on my arms aren't from the cat
she doesn't know that I�ve been eyeing all the medicine bottles
she doesn't know that my knives have been cutting deeper and deeper
...hehe, she bought me KNIVES for the holidays.