AUTHOR: Valaika Dee
EMAIL: [email protected]
CATEGORY: Challenge (# 1005), Humor - I hope, Action/Adventure
PAIRING: none
SPOILERS: none - a negligible one for small victories
SEASON / SEQUEL: 4
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: none, It's a bit crazy
SUMMARY: SG-1 are affected by some strange narcotic - so what else is new?
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis, if anyone else wants it, just ask!
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I wrote this in response to a challenge that debs posted at heliopolis...i have too much time on my hands, and i seem to be developing a really strange sense of humour, so i warn you, read at your own peril:
Challenge #1,005
Here's one for the crazy ones out there:
SG-1 sat around a large table in the great outdoors. All around them sat villagers lost in their festivities.
"Friendly - I like them." Stated Jack raising a glass of the local elixir.
"They *really* seem to like Daniel."
The two looked across the table to their comrade chatting rapidly with the natives - most of whom were young women.
"He sure caught on the local language fast."
"Sir, they're speaking English."
Jack leaned in and listened more closely, "Well, gosh darn it! That's a heavy accent."
Gosh darn it? Sam smiled sheepishly and looked down.
"Where's Teal'c?"
"He went to secure the area."
"Why? I thought we did that already."
"Yeah he just wanted to...double-check."
"Why?"
He looked at her, a bit frustrated. "I think it was a call of nature."
"Oh."
"What kind of accent is that anyway?"
"I have heard it spoken but once before O'Neill."
"Hey Teal'c...is the area...secure?"
"It is indeed."
Sam smiled, "What was it about that accent?"
"It was on a world once called Tae Bo. Apophis ruled over it for quite some time."
O'Neill cleared his throat. "Um...Tae Bo?"
"Indeed."
"As in One Two?" Jack made a punching motion with both hands in rhythm with his words.
Teal'c raised an eyebrow.
"Never mind. Probably a coincidence." He looked at Sam, "Right?"
She nodded.
"Maybe I'm just paranoid." He motioned across the table to get Daniel's attention, "Was there any mention of Billy Banks in your rantings?"
Daniel raised his eyebrows and eyed Jack blankly for a second and briefly thought //Maybe he should go into retirement//
"Never mind," he turned back to the rest of the team, leaving Daniel clueless, "I guess I'm just paranoid."
The team was taken into their own special tent for the night after a large meal. Well, most of the team anyway.
"I wish I hadn't eaten so much, I think I might have put on some pounds," said Jack, as he looked at himself in a full-length mirror.
"Sir?"
"Yeah?"
"Daniel isn't here."
"Neither is Teal'c."
"He was right behind us."
"Maybe he's trying to get rid of his bandwagon."
"I'll check."
Jack looked at the clothes that were laid out for them, "And I'll change."
Sam opened the tent flap and walked out to find Teal'c. He was nearby with many children hanging off him. They seemed to find him fascinating. The younger women around watched and giggled. Their mothers seemed to be nowhere in sight. So Sam went to his rescue. "What is it with you and kids?"
"I do not know as to what you are referring Major Carter," he said as he pulled a rug rat off his leg.
"Never mind."
"Where is Daniel Jackson?" Questioned Teal'c as they walked back towards their shared tent.
"I'm not sure. Last I saw him he was being pulled away by his own fan club."
Sam lifted the tent flap and walked in.
"These accommodations are more than necessary." Observed Teal'c
The tent was quite large and it was divided into four smaller sections by hanging partitions. Jack walked out from behind one, "Hey Teal'c!"
Sam immediately turned around in an attempt to hide her giggling.
"O'Neill, I believe you are dressed in women's clothing."
He looked down at himself. He wore a black silk knee-length tunic with tight green leggings. "Really, isn't this the way everyone dresses around here?"
Sam turned around, "No sir, I believe the men are a bit more dignified." She couldn't stop laughing, "I'm sorry, sir, it's just that...you...you look like Robin Hood!"
"Do not!"
"Indeed, O'Neill, you're clothing does make you bear a striking resemblance to the old Earth legend."
"All you need is a little green cap with a feather," Sam controlled herself, "Besides sir, that's how the women around here dress...I think you may have put on my clothes."
"Whatever, there's plenty more for you Carter, you too Teal'c, go ahead change."
"I am comfortable in my present attire, O'Neill."
"Come one, Teal'c, get into the spirit, get to it..." he slapped Teal'c on the back and sent him behind the partition. Sam departed to her own before the Colonel got a chance to badger her. //Gosh, he's acting weird, wait, did I just say gosh?//
Whatever, It didn't feel bad to change out of her bulky clothing and into the more comfortable tunic and tights.
She walked out and found Teal'c and Jack together. The Jaffa looked quite stiff even though he was in loose pantaloons and a woolen gray shirt.
Jack sat on a sofa with lots of silken pillows. He was eating grapes. And he was eating them in the most alluring manner, alluring if he was a woman. But he was a man, and this was just plain weird.
"Sir, should we be worried about Daniel?"
"Nah, they like him too much to do cause him any harm, let him have his jollies."
"O'Neill, should we not at least locate Daniel Jackson?"
"Sure Teal'c, you go ahead and do that."
Just then a native walked in, a young teenage boy. "Exacuze me, you are prezenze eez reequired."
Jack turned to Sam, "Are you sure that's English?"
She nodded, humoring him.
"Be right with you." He got up and exited with the boy, Sam and Teal'c followed.
"So what's happening," Jack asked Daniel when he met up with the archeologist.
"Jack, you're dressed like a woman, everyone's laughing at you."
"Yeah, I noticed, I meant, what's happening with you?"
"Oh, well, it seems that they want to make me their king, or tribal leader or something."
"Really? They like you that much eh?"
"Um, yeah...Jack I really think you should change."
"Nah, those guy clothes make me look fat."
"What?"
"Never mind, just leave me be."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, quit bugging me!"
"Well, sorry."
"This whole King, tribal leader thing is a no go."
"What do you mean."
"I mean, you can't go around the galaxy becoming the king of every planet we visit."
"Jack, this is the first planet that I've been appointed leader."
"Well, it's gotta start somewhere!"
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine!"
Sam and Teal'c walked up to the two, "Sir, we've been talking to the natives."
"They seem to have appointed Daniel Jackson as their leader."
"And they find your...um...they find that your wearing of women's clothing a bit disturbing and humorous."
"Will you quit criticizing my dress!"
"Sorry sir. But Daniel, you have to explain to these people that you're not their king, and that you have to leave."
Daniel looked up at Sam with a serious look, "No."
"No?" Jack jumped in.
"No, I finally start getting some respect and you start putting me down."
"So you're not going to tell them?"
"No."
"You're gonna be their king?"
"Yeah."
"Okay."
Okay? "Sir, what are you doing?"
"Letting Daniel take his jollies."
"Sir!"
"Forget it Carter, besides I kinda like Daniel as an authority, makes him quite attractive." Jack rubbed his the young man's shoulder and walked off, leaving the rest of the team quite worried.
"Okay."
"Daniel..."
"Sam, let me have my jollies."
"Fine! Don't come running to me when you start having problems. Come on, Teal'c, Let's 'let them have their jollies.'"
The next morning, all of SG-1 woke up feeling happy, except for Teal'c, he felt unnerved. No one seemed to be acting normal. They were a little crazy, more so than usual.
Samantha Carter seemed to be okay though, for now. She woke up quite early that morning, claiming that she wanted first dibs on the local bazaar. She took a local with her.
O'Neill was behaving even more strangely. He had gotten up at the same hour as Major Carter, he went to the river with the village women to help wash clothes.
Daniel Jackson was sitting in a large tent holding an assembly. Teal'c had requested an audience with him, but his servants claimed that he was too busy.
This was indeed unusual.
Teal'c roamed the village for much of the afternoon examining the local customs and daily ways of life. It was a little difficult; there was a small herd of children around him constantly.
He returned back to the tent to see if O'Neill or Carter had returned and indeed they had. Major Carter sat with O'Neill and was showing him the various purchases she had made. O'Neill's extreme interest was frightening.
"How was your day, O'Neill?"
"It was great! Some of those rapids down by the river, washing clothes was an adventure! You could go white river rafting down there."
"And yours Major Carter?"
"Oh, wonderful! I could have used an Acura Integra to carry some of this stuff. I made some great purchases! Would you like to see?"
"Perhaps later. I have tried to get a hold of Daniel Jackson, but he seems to have no time. His secretary has assured me that we will be able to see him in the evening."
"Alright then, that's when we'll see him. For now, Carter, take me to this bazaar, I want to get me one of these," he stated holding up a blue headdress, "but in pink."
Later that night, jack was in full drag - complete with pink headdress and sandals. They were taken to the local volcano, which at the moment was dormant, as it had been for decades now.
Daniel was already there. It was hot, it was really really hot. But Jack swore to himself that he would not compromise his modesty. Gosh darn it! He would be proper!
The local shaman was performing some kinda ritual while Daniel stood around watching him...yawning...this king stuff was getting to him. When could he get back to his luxurious accommodations?
Oh whatever, they just had to invoke the volcano god to promise them protection and then they could go.
Blah, blah blah blah, wait, what was that? What did the dude just say? OH NO!
Sam watched with her colleagues and listened carefully trying to filter out the heavy accent. What was that about a sacrifice? A goat or something, no a pig...no a keeg...oh no! A king!
"Sir, Daniel's in trouble."
Jack turned to her, "Surely a big strong king like him can get himself out of trouble."
"Sir, we have to help, they are going to sacrifice Daniel!"
Teal'c walked up, "O'Neill, I have learned that the villagers plan to sacrifice Daniel Jackson to their volcano god at noon tomorrow."
"Well, then you think we should rescue him don't you?"
"I do indeed."
"Teal'c why don't you work on that, and I'm going back to the bazaar, there was this really nice pottery shop I wanted to check out."
Teal'c was beginning to get annoyed with their behavior. They had until tomorrow afternoon to do something about this, "O'Neill, Major Carter, you will return with me through the Stargate, Dr. Frasier may be able to determine the cause of your behavior."
"Yeah, I guess, Sir, we should help Daniel."
"Hold on for a second, I want to see the rest of this ceremony. It looks like something important is going to happen."
They turned and watched the Shaman summon the flowing lava below. It began bubbling and the team stepped back, except for Daniel, who in his spot stepped forward out of curiosity.
Out of the bubbling rock rose a clear dome. It kept rising until two figures inside of the dome were visible.
"Oh, no, I knew it wasn't just me!"
"Sir, maybe you weren't just paranoid."
"That looks too much like Billy Banks."
Teal'c did not know who Billy Banks was, but he did vaguely recognize the other man inside the dome with him, "O'Neill I believe I have seen the man with Billy Banks before."
"Where?"
"On television, on the multicultural channel. I believe he is a Chinese singer."
"Teal'c why in God's name have you been watching the multicultural channel? You know what, never mind."
Billy began to speak. "Bow down to your god, Apophis!"
"Apophis?"
"He must have taken Billy Banks as a host."
"Um, Cater?"
"Yes Sir?"
"How do you propose that happened?"
"I don't know!"
The Chinese celebrity also began to speak, "And we are Hathor, Your Goddess Queen."
"Um, is it just me, or is she in the wrong body?"
"Um, don't ask me to explain."
"Where is the sacrifice?"
The Shaman scurried to bring forth Daniel, who had moved back as he heard the all too familiar names. He was presented, and a sick smile came across the face of the two 'gods'.
"Oh-no...Danny's in some real trouble now."
"O'Neill, they have not yet noticed us, we should retreat back to the Stargate before they realize our presence."
"I second that," said Jack, a bit too fearfully.
They rushed back to the gate, leaving Daniel in his plight, if only for a little while. On the way back, Sam made them make a detour to the bazaar, she stated that, she "couldn't help herself." She stopped by the pottery shop and "borrowed" a few items.
Back at the SGC, the three members of SG-1 explained the dire situation. The General was still having accepting the fact that two of Earth's celebrities could be so compromised. He was, however, even more upset by the fact that Major Carter was insistent that they go to the mall to pick up some fighting gear and that Jack was meekly clinging to his arm in fear and was dressed in very feminine clothing. Even more upsetting was that The General found Jack's behavior comely.
He personally escorted them to the infirmary. He intended to get himself checked out as well. Jack seemed a bit too alluring for The General to be completely within his senses.
He tried to explain to them a problem that had arisen at the SGC while they had been away.
"Thor decided to visit Earth."
"The wonderful little gray man?"
"Yes, Jack."
"Where is he?"
"He's in the infirmary. He's unconscious and we don't know how to contact his ship in orbit."
"General Hammond, how is it that Thor came to be injured."
"Well, we don't know, he was injured at a food-fair and one of the SGC personnel who was taking the day off spotted him. The locals were scared of him, and they didn't take too kindly to an alien."
"That doesn't sound like Thor, he's supposed to be part of a superior race, why would he do that?"
"I can't explain it, perhaps Thor can."
They arrived at the infirmary to find Janet fussing over Thor, desperately trying to figure out his physiology in order to help him.
"What have you come up with Doctor?"
"A narcotic has been introduced in his body sir, that would explain his strange behavior."
"Can you help the poor alien?" said Jack as he ran to Thor's bedside.
"I can try Colonel, but first I think I should check you and your team over," said Janet, noticing Jack's present state and his charming headdress.
"Just call me Jackie."
"Um, okay, Jackie, sit here, and let me check you over."
Janet removed his headdress and the General blushed, "Maybe I should leave."
"I thought you wanted to get yourself checked as well."
"Oh, yes, then I'll just turn around." He did so.
Jack whispered to Janet, "Just between us girls, I think the General has a little crush on me."
She began worrying about him. The General was acting strange as well, everyone on the base had been acting a bit off after Thor's arrival, but SG-1 had been off world.
"Where's Daniel?"
Sam explained to them the dangerous situation he was in as she did, she also kept unconsciously hinting about her newly established passion for shopping. Janet became even more worried. She checked over the three humans and the Jaffa.
"This is strange, all of you have the same Narcotic in your systems as Thor, except it doesn't seem to be affecting Teal'c in any way, probably due to his symbiote. How is that, General, you've been at the base the whole day. I should check myself as well."
She did, and she had the same problem. "We are all affected by it."
"How is that."
"I've never heard of an air-born narcotic, but it is an alien drug, we should have the base closed off. No one allowed in or out."
"I agree."
General went ahead and did so.
Thor woke up, "What is this?"
"You're on Earth Thor, remember, me O'Neill, your pal?"
"I was at a food-fair was I not?"
"Yeah, about that, are you in your right mind? What were you thinking???"
"I am sorry, I do not believe I am in my right mind. I have the strongest urge to understand your customs and culture and to share the delights of my food pills with your world."
"Believe me Thor, I don't think we're ready for that yet," interrupted Sam, remembering her first experience with his delicacies.
"Thor, do you believe you know the reason for your strange behavior."
"Yes, we were surveying a planet called Tae Bo, I went to surface and came back my ship. It was found that I had an unknown drug in my system. It seemed that it spread quite quickly all over my ship. By then, no one was in his or her right mind, and when I suggested attending a food-fair on Earth, everyone was enthusiastic.
"Now the SGC is infected too. We went to the same planet." Said Sam.
Janet came up to Thor and started stroking his head gently, "My poor baby, do you know of any possible solutions."
"There is a plant that grows on Tae Bo. I believe, it counteracts the affects of the narcotic."
"Why were the inhabitants of the planet affected by it?"
"Their systems may be immune to it now."
"Dr. Frasier, I will journey back through the gate in an attempt to retrieve this plant and save Daniel Jackson."
"Teal'c, it's too dangerous, you can't you by yourself," said Janet in an unusual mothering tone.
"Dr. Frasier I believe you are affected as well."
"Everyone is Teal'c. But you can't go alone."
Hammond jumped in at this chance to give the orders. "All of SG-1 will go, we will try to keep things sane here, while you're gone."
"I will accompany them," added Thor, "I am the only one who knows what the herb looks like.
"General I don't want to go!" stated Jack, "Those men were scary!"
"Now, honey, I know, but you have to go and save Dr. Jackson." //Did I just call him honey?//
"Alright, fine, but as long as Teal'c there to protect me."
Teal'c began to worry, with Samantha's addiction to shopping, Thor's embrace of cultural delicacies and O'Neill's evident fear of everything, it would be much better for him to do this alone, but alack and alas, he'd have to do it anyway.
Right before going through the Stargate, Thor informed everyone that they had only thirty minutes before the effects became permanent. No one, but Teal'c took much notice of that. He set his watch and prayed - but he had no one to pray to - so he just hoped.
They found Daniel at the volcano strapped to the inner wall of the mountain. He was under heavy guard.
Teal'c came up with a plan and prepared to explain it to Sam.
"Where is Major Carter?"
"She stopped at the bazaar."
Teal'c frowned, something fierce, enough to scare the pants off you.
And he scared Jack enough, who ran away, screaming, "You're a bad man!"
So he was left with Thor, who wasn't much help. He had more self-control than the other two. Although, he kept claiming that he could smell the fresh roast of morning feast.
So Teal' prepared himself to fight the guards alone.
Then Hathor stepped out of the shadows. "Our Love, We have been waiting your return."
Daniel stared at her - or him, "Wait, I know who you are! You're Aaron Qwok, from Hong Kong, I saw you on the multi-cultural channel with Teal'c!"
He - um, she - slapped him, "Insolent human, perhaps you will prefer us in our new form."
"Um, sorry, I'm not that kinda guy."
Teal'c watched and now had to think up a new plan.
Thor brought out a weapon that he had been concealing God knows where. "I will assist you Teal'c."
So they did, Thor blasted Hathor with his weapon and he - um she, fell into the lava, and died - I hope - how many times do you need to kill an Egyptian Goddess (or a Hong Kong celebrity), before she's (or he's) really dead?
"How are we going to explain this to the Chinese government?" stated Daniel as he watched him - her - fall.
Behind him, Teal'c wasted the guards and then looked at his watch. "Daniel Jackson we must hurry. We have only twenty minutes left to save the SGC."
"Don't order me around Teal'c, I'm a king." Well, it looked like Daniel was affected too.
Eventually Teal'c convinced him. They ran. Teal'c carried Thor on his back because he was so slow on his tiny legs and that he wouldn't wander off when distracted by the morning meals. He had to forcibly pull along Daniel Jackson, who claimed that he would not leave the planet because his people needed him.
He attracted attention. Behind him, ran many villagers intent on getting Teal'c for treating their king in such a way, and they were kinda intrigued by Thor, not to mention Teal'c's infatuated children.
Along the way, through the rushed bazaars, they found Sam and Jack. Teal'c shouted to them that they must come with him. When they did not comply he threw them Thor and then some of the villagers switched their attentions to Sam, Jack and Thor. The three ran, well, two ran, Sam carried Thor.
Teal'c forced Thor to lead them to the plant. When Teal'c thought they had lost the villagers he stopped to collect some leaves and roots. He also checked his watch. Ten minutes left.
They made it back to the gate in five minutes flat. Teal'c had to once stop along the way to rip Jack's newly bought skirt, because he kept tripping over it. He also had to force Daniel Jackson to remove his overly long robe, which he clung to very tightly as a last connection to his reign as king.
At the Gate, the villagers spotted them and ran their way with clubs and sticks in their hands. Teal'c dialed the address for Earth in a hurry. They made it! Thank God they made it!
Jack collapsed on the ramp and exclaimed, "Gosh! Those people were mean! It's all your fault Teal'c!"
General came up to him and said, "It's alright now Jackie there's nothing to worry about, he was only trying to help." The General pulled himself away from Jack and asked Teal'c, "Have you got it?"
Teal'c help up the plant roots and leaves, "We much get to it immediately. We have but five minutes."
Janet's motherly attitude came in handy. She was most eager to help her babies at the SGC, and she came up with the cure in almost no time.
But it was still too late. "Thirty minutes is up Dr. Frasier," said Teal'c in an alarmed voice."
"We still have to try!"
Then Thor stated, "I lied, you have about another half-hour to administer the cure to the facility. And I can contact my ship now and we can replicate the cure."
Janet gave some of the drug first to Jack, the effects were immediate, "For crying out loud, Thor! Why'du lie?"
"So that you wouldn't dilly-dally."
Jack rolled his eyes towards the ceiling in frustration and looked down, "Why am I in a dress? Oh, god, did I really do all that?"
Janet administered the cure to General Hammond. He immediately blushed when he realized the feelings he had been having towards Jack.
She administered it to Thor and the rest of SG-1. Thor returned to the ship with Sam and with her help managed to replicate it, give it to his own crew, and then replicate some more for the rest of the SGC.
Their memories remained in tact. Most everyone was embarrassed with his or her actions. Daniel had been alone most of the time, and he refused to talk about what he had done. Most especially what had been done to him by Apophis and Hathor after SG-1 left him.
The threat of Apophis had been realized once again, but at least now they knew his new form.
So all was well again, and back to normal - well, kinda anyways.