I believe that; although normally, a friend is someone that you know well, you don�t always have to know everything about someone to consider them a friend. Even in the best of friendships, the complete truth isn�t always seen.
My personal experience with this is with my friend Ashley. We have just about grown up with each other. Since the third grade, we have been the best of friends. We �knew each other well, and were fond of each other�. We were able to go to each other and talk about anything like our dreams or our secrets and not worry about being criticized about them. But even then, there were things that I couldn�t tell her. I was torn between wanting to let my best friend know everything, and yet, not fully being able to believe that no matter what, she�d be there for me. I couldn�t push myself to fully believe in Webster�s definition.
In the past month I�ve come face to face with something that happened to me in my past. I was sexually assaulted. I had started to go to see a counselor and she got it out of me. Telling her about that was hard for me. I felt like I was betraying my friends; that I told a complete stranger about what had happened to me before I told my best friends. I felt that I hadn�t kept up my end of being a friend. It caused me to cry a lot that week, and after a lot of my tears were spilled I decided that I needed to tell Ashley.
I felt out of balance. Things just weren�t right for me. The role I played as patient came before the role I played as friend, and in my mind, I couldn�t accept that. The internalization part of my friendship with Ashley was not symmetric. I wasn�t what I thought it was supposed to be.
Telling Ashley about what had happened to me brought my picture of our friendship back in clear view. It was like I had renewed that friendship. I had entered Berger�s secondary socialization with Ashley. Coser had written that Berger had described the secondary socialization as is �a later phase in the acquisition of knowledge, and it concerns more specific roles.�
Telling Ashley about my assault led to more knowledge about each other. Ashley learned a little more about me, about my insecure side, and I learned that Ashley would still care about me no matter what. It made our friendship deeper and I really took in our closeness.
After this experience with Ashley, I feel that I have gained a more specific role of friend. That it is even more apart of my life then it ever was. Because I know now, that being a friend controls a big part of my life. It influences the decisions that I make everyday weather they are big or small. Just by talking to Ashley, it gave me a higher sense of being and made me more aware and thankful for the friends that I have.
Knowing what an impact telling Ashley about my assault had on me, it has made me realize that my status as friend is one of the most important status� in my life. Every other role that I play has an effect on my life, but nothing compares to the outcome of being a friend.
My role as friend is a constant job. It requires a lot of effort and at the same time is something that I do without realizing it. I believe every person in America has this role. And I believe that it has an impact in the way we run our lives. We want to be accepted by our friends and we do what we think is right according to them.
I did what I thought was right for a long time, not telling Ashley or anyone about what had happened to me. Then when I did tell someone, my ideas of what was right changed, because I thought that being a friend meant letting them know things that you wouldn�t tell a stranger. Also, in order to keep my own peace of mind, I couldn�t allow myself to do something that I thought was wrong.
It reminds me of what Coser wrote about Cooley�s looking glass self. That society shapes how we see ourselves along with how we see our actions. I think that it played a big part on the way I thought. That I didn�t want to tell Ashley or anyone about what had happened to me, because whenever I thought about it, all I would see were a bunch of cops, and investigators turning my world upside down, like in the movies.
Society scared me into keeping quite. I didn�t want what I knew and was comfortable with to change and get torn apart. I also felt that in telling someone, anyone, that how they saw me would change. I didn�t want to be seen differently, and if I didn�t tell anyone anything, then I would still be Kim, and I wouldn�t have to worry about being different.
I know now that the few people I have told do see me differently, but not negatively, like I feared. They see me as someone even stronger then before, and they are proud of what I have become despite what I went through. Ashley was happy that I told her, but her view of me didn�t change for the worse. I was still Kim to her, and no matter what she cared about me.
I think no matter what happens I will always worry about how others see me. It is something that I don�t think I can escape from. It is my mirror, my looking-glass self like Cooley said. And I will do what I must to make sure I look good.
What changes though, is that in the future, I can look at my status as a friend, and know that, even though it might cause some problems, that I don�t have to worry about being seen badly. I won�t have to worry so much about including them into the group of society. I will be able to freely tell them what I need to, without getting a dark shadow cast on my mirror.
My friends will always be there for me, no matter what happens. I might not have told all of them what happened to me, but the ones that I have told, still care about me. They are still my friends and I am still their friend. Knowing that I don�t have to tell all of my friends everything is still okay and it is just waiting for the right time.