Excerpt from "Imagine" (1996)
Imagine
Imagine the feeling of walking up to a wooden box-that is all it was, a fancy box, but wooden nonetheless-and looking inside. What do you see there? A head, with hair and a face you recognize...but at the same time, do not know. It is not the same person as before; there is no light, no ever-present brightness.
Imagine the feeling of wanting to cry; wanting to scream; wanting to die. Wanting to stay with that person until the end of time, even if it meant that you must die, that you must give up every luxury you have on earth just to be with that person.
Imagine resisting the urge to collapse to your knees bawling, sobbing, screaming, and not caring about your outward presentation. Wanting to caress the pale cheek, draw life back out.
Imagine knowing without a doubt that you will never hear that certain laugh or catch that look meant for you out of the corner of your eye. Meant only for you.
Imagine no more nights spent huddled together in front of the fireplace, all but daring someone to catch you, as you talk into the wee hours of the morning, finally collapsing against each other, exhausted.
Imagine the feeling of unrivaled emptiness as you are guided away from the box, away from your last glimpse of that precious face-strange as it may look, it is still the face you know every inch of-and putting up a facade of strength to your fellow mourners.
Imagine putting up that mask every hour of every day, every day of every year, for the rest of your life, not lowering for anyone no matter how close they may feel. Building the defenses, repairing cracks, worrying that it may have slipped for even a second.
Imagine protecting the mask, nurturing it like a child, until it becomes more than just second nature, but your very skin. Nothing can chip it anymore; nothing can cause even the slightest dent. The mask is too strong, too permanent.
Imagine giving false affections to faceless people whom will never see behind that mask. You will not allow anyone to even chance a peek behind your wall, your barrier. It is not their concern; they are all nameless, destined to fade into the background.
Imagine finding someone, someone who has felt pain. Someone to whom your heart reaches, cries for, begs for.
Imagine your mask slipping, years of careful construction crumbling away slowly. You do not notice; this is a person who is allowed to see behind your mask. That person is granted the rare privilege to glance at the thing behind the mask. But you notice, and are swift to rebuild your protection, almost fearful of that one person's opinions of what was seen. Was that person even aware of what they saw?
Imagine watching that person fading away under your very fingertips. Nothing you can do is helping, and they seem doomed to rest in a wooden box too soon.
Imagine old emotions replaying in your heart, soul, and mind as you remain incapable of rescue; unable to do anything but stand weakly aside as they wither away. You worry, you try to help, but you reach a barrier. A barrier so similar to yours that it hurts. They clash, and you are kept at a distance, a distance you want to close.
Imagine attempting to dismantle the mask, piece by piece.
Imagine discovering your masonry was too good.
Imagine finding out that your wall is there to stay.
1996 � Nicholas Tegan
1999 � Teague Nicodey
(2004 � Maiti�)