Sex & Marriage
An Indian
Brides View
Rajneesh’s Parents
arjneesh’s Parents arranged his marriage after he passed his M.B.B.S. On the
first night itself, his wife Neetu fled to her parental home. On asking her, she
said that she could not remain married to Rajneesh. She described him as
abnormal, indecent and a pervert. This was because neetu did not have any idea
about the sexual relationship. For her, merely listening to the verbal
description of the sexual act was enough to repulse neetu. She became
hysterical, every time her parents persuaded her to go back to Rajneesh. She
needed psychiatric treatment. The marriage failed. Rajneesh got married a year
later to another girl and got an understanding partner. neetu remained single.
Need for a fresh outlook
This is a classic example of the consequences of ignorance or even incorrect
knowledge about sex and the devastating effect it can have on marital life. Sex
is an indelible part of every marriage. It is an natural instinct gifted to us
unasked, that introduces a passionate proximity between a couple and infuses
fire in their relationships. It is as normal and healthy as any other function
of the body.
Yet, a certain orthodoxy, feelings of self-doubt, our inadequacies, an
uneasiness born of over-protection, prevent us from imparting to our daughters,
the basic truths about nature’s way to procreate. The bride thus remains
unprepared for the big moment when she should let herself surrender to the
sensations, that courses through her body and open a wonderful new world for
her to explore.
She reins in her emotions, when she should unleash them, controls her innate
impulses when she should rejoice in her newfound sensuality and vacillates
between agony and ecstasy. She is aware of the force that ignites the latent
passions, knows that she can give it till it hurts but has yet to be
comfortable in her own skin. She has inhibitions to shed, unanswered questions,
an increasing curiosity, an inexplicable fear that wilt her and threaten her
marriage.
It is time, sex was looked as a healthy expression of a powerful energy, that
resides within us, which has the capacity to bring us into contact with our
innermost needs and sensations, caresses and coaxes, our physical being to get
in touch with our emotional self and helps us celebrate life as we have never
did before.
It is only when we stop fighting against nature, that we can hope for
relationships to survive, work to be more fulfilling, and marriages to work.
Then, there will be no room for anxiety, depression, guilt or
self-condemnation. It is time we erased the discomfort, the uneasiness and the
angst.
Often, parents are the ones who are responsible for breeding ignorance among
their children. They are far from forthcoming and their unwillingness to speak
or educate their children stems from social taboos. In Alka’s case, her lack of
readiness and preparation, her protected and conservative background, her being
kept away form all sexual inputs consciously, sounded the knell of what could
have been a fruitful nuptial bliss.
Preparing the mind
Even the young girls face a mental block towards sex, as during the growing up
years, they are constantly told that sex is dirty and immoral. The constant
badgering of a negative feeling towards sex ensures that the ritual of marriage
does not necessarily make it acceptable overnight. The female mind is generally
more inclined to softer and gentler aspects of romance in the man-woman
relationship rather than a carnal indulgence.
The need of the hour is to be responsible enough to prepare young brides for
this sensitive and intimated aspect of their lives by giving them a healthy and
balanced understanding of sex and doing away with prejudices. It is imperative
that they become uncomfortable with their sexuality, before tying the knot with
a stranger.
After all, lack of sex education and the resistance by school and college
authorities can lead to half-baked knowledge. The repercussions could be
pre-marital indulgence, wanton behavior, sexual abuse, pre-marital abortion,
unwanted pregnancies, emotional trauma, a contraction of AIDS – the dreaded
disease, and later, an unsuccessful marriage.
The loss of virginity in the Indian milieu is an issue of such sensitivity,
that it can distort all perceptions and breed contempt for the girl. The price
that one has to pay for sexual freedom could result in permanent damage to
emotional health and well-being, vulnerability to the corrupt messages
delivered by the print and electronic media alike and a confusion about the new
liberated form of deviant sexuality, the goes under the guise of sexual
freedom.
The buffer is the readiness of a society to impart healthy and legitimate
information about sex and sexuality, an openness that fosters understanding and
acceptance, a sex guide that helps the young to come face to face with their
bodily needs and makes relationships meaningful.
The need for pre-marital Counseling
Strangely, when a marriage is arranged, the concerned families take their
decision on the basis of horoscopes, religious and financial backgrounds, but
perhaps never ascertain the physical and emotional compatibility of the couple
which are practical and realistic grounds. A more serious approach towards
marriage is required, as it is one of the most important decisions of our life.
Blood group matching is of paramount significance.
For a great sex life, a healthy and clean body is a pre-requisite. Blood
counts, biochemistry, semen analysis for the groom, blood groups, X-rays, sonography
of the reproductive organs, specialized testing for AIDS, Hepatitis B, venereal
diseases, thalassaemia, etc should be checked. Having undergone these,
youngsters will definitely to able to tie the nuptial knot with more confidence
and self-esteem and start their new relationship on a more sound footing.
Research shows that men and women have strong and equal sexual urges and it is
the responsibility of both to fulfill each other’s needs and respect each
other’s needs and feelings. Satisfaction and dissatisfaction of sex can
contribute to the attitudes and behavior of both partners towards each other.
Sexual activity is not meant only for procreation. A gratifying sexual life
imparts pleasure, enjoyment and a sense of well being. It is the most effective
means of intimate communication, bonding and expression of love for each other.
To create this comfortable camaraderie between partners, openness in thought,
word and action is essential. Only then can feelings of pain or pleasure that
the sexual activity causes can be communicated.
Ideal Sexual encounter
The ideal sexual encounter, which satisfies both man and woman, would be one in
which there is adequate foreplay. Touching, feeling, whispering sweet-nothings,
voicing one’s preferences in an affectionate manner can make the body respond
favorably.
To a woman, the physical goes with the emotional. If she has anxieties,
unburdening them will help her unwind. She must remember that arousal in the
male is faster than that in the female. A woman’s bodily rhythms differ from
those of a man and it is up to her to convey readiness.
Every bride looks forward to this ultimate bonding with her loved one. As she
feels pulsating excitement at the prospect of this close encounter, many a
bride is intimidated at the prospect of losing her virginity. The thought of a
stranger ( in most arranged marriages) fostering such intimacy which unnerves
her.
The bride thus faces first marital night with mixed emotions. She looks forward
to being the ideal sexual partner, reciprocating every move her husband makes.
But she must realize that she too has every right to experience sexual bliss.
In fact, an ideal sexual encounter is one, which satisfies both man woman and
is a culmination of adequate foreplay and arousal…she must not be afraid to
voice her needs and allow her to relax to the gentle touch of her lover. Only
then will she be aware of the movements and positions that lead her to an
orgasm.
Rape in the marriage?
Sex and marriage are the most vulnerable aspects of human life and closely
related to each other. The Indian culture considers sex before marriage
immoral, illegal and illegitimate. Even after marriage, sex with only the
married partner is regarded as moral, ethical and legal. This moral structure
has been created to discipline one’s sexual behavior and to protect the woman
from being sexually assaulted or abused. Her husband, her marital status and
this moral structure act like a protective shield around the woman.
Paradoxically, marriage often becomes a breeding ground for this very assault.
When a woman experiences rape within a marriage, the trauma is not for the
world to see. Though it does not happen with all women, all the time, forced
sex has no provision to shout for help. Law does not see this as a crime and as
one is committed in matrimony for a lifetime, it may happen throughout one’s
life. Does rape truly occur within a marriage? To understand the strong
possibility of it happening, the bride must acquaint herself with the basic
difference in male and female sexuality.
Male and Female Sexuality – What’s the difference?
Male sexuality is body-oriented. A man who gets sexually attracted to women
need not be in love with her. It is this aspect that makes men frequent
brothels or take keen interests in advertisements, movies and magazines that
display the woman’s anatomy. A woman’s sexuality is related to her heart, the
center of thought, feeling and emotion. Most women harbor sexual feelings for
the man only when they love him. A handsome hunk may draw her attention but his
machismo may not be enough for her to get sexually attracted to the man.
It has been said a man gives love to get sex while a woman gives sex to get
love. There is no doubt that men too can be sensitive lots and love is a need
for both. Quite a few men would bear a female sexuality making them emotional.
Likewise, some women may carry a male sexuality. As a bride comprehends this
paradox, she will understand the persistent need of a man to have sex, while
she would be satisfied by a mere cuddle. A strong emotional foundation and a
good amount of empathy could nip any problems in the bud.
Agony and Ecstasy of the first night
Long before the union takes place, the bride must get to know her prospective
groom. Frequent meetings, dinner outings, a sharing of feelings, doubts, likes
and dislikes can bring the couple closer. Unfortunately, arranged marriages
often leave little room for such contact. Such marriages are merely an
arrangement reached between two well-suited families, to keep up a tradition.
Armed with the legal and moral permission to have sex with his wife, a man with
his body-oriented sexuality often disregards his bride’s feelings and state of
mind and with a false sense of bravado ends up forcing sex on her on the first
night. The woman who ends up feeling awkward, uncomfortable and exploited,
allows this humiliation, as orthodoxy has taught her to be a meek, submissive
and tolerant. For the seeds of love to be sown, pain and conflicts have to be
weeded out.
Very often, the couple is utterly exhausted at the end of an elaborate wedding
ceremony. Both are strangers to each other and are often ignorant about the
sexual experience. Men carry the burden of anxiety about their sexual
performance. Girls have fears about the pain, the rupturing of the hymen, and
the resultant bleeding, during their first sexual encounter.
There is also the fear of pregnancy. At the same time, both strongly feel that
they have to live up to the first night fantasies depicted in novels and movies.
With so many uncertainties and anxieties, it becomes impossible for a couple to
enjoy one of the most profound experiences of their life.
If the couple is not familiar to each other, they should avoid sexual
intercourse on the first night. It is the couple’s own decision and
postponement. The couple should postpone their first sexual intercourse, till
both of them are physically and emotionally relaxed, instead of rushing into a
messy act.
They lose nothing. In fact, they may gain a great deal of mutual love and
respect, which can then become the foundation of a happy married life. The
secret to bliss is a deep understanding of each other’s needs, leading to
closeness so exciting that sex seems the most natural thing in the world. The
bride can play a major role in influencing her husband’s mind by keeping the
communication free and frank.
She must open herself to erotic sensations, wake up all her senses and follow
her innate bodily reactions and instincts and not be influenced by fantastic
ideas of liberating her libido. Such an act involves the mind, body and soul
and creates irresistible magnetism between the partners.
If rigidity gives away to initiative, sex will be wonderful, sensuous act and
she will be left with ecstasy never felt before.