"I LOVE YOU VIRUS"
Security experts and federal government authorities warn
that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the
loose. As a public service, we present the following list of
"I Love You" variations and how to recognize them:
- The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades
your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from
afar.
- The "Unrequited Love" virus causes your computer to be so
obsessed with a virus (a virus that it can never have) that
it can no longer function.
- The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your
computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can
find the computer that it really wants to invade.
- The "Can't We Just Be Friends" virus makes your computer
think it's interested in invading. Then, just when your
computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks
off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard
drive against the rocks.
- The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and
stays with it for life.
- The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time
negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then
strays to other computers from time to time.
- The "I Can't Commit" virus hangs around a computer for a
long time and frequently sends messages that it intends to
invade, but is really just interested in hanging out with
your computer's data.
- The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read
messages that your computer isn't working and takes half of
your computer's best data in an ugly network session.
- The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time
monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has
thrown away and tries to record all of its functions.
- The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus
solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with
it.
- The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer, spawns an
entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it
grows.