Trials in life
8 Things Masjids Can Do to Help Boost Social Services
by Abdul Malik Mujahid
Every evening, my mother used to send me with prepared meals to our nearby Masjid as I was growing up in a small town in Pakistan. I always thought our Imam's growth in probably unintended directions was a result of all this food he had to consume which almost everyone in our neighborhood was sending to the Masjid. Later on, when I was allowed to stay out in the evenings, I learned that after every sunset prayer, several volunteers set up food and drinks. Tens of people would come and sit across each other to silently to eat. These were probably the same people I saw sleeping in the Masjid after the last prayer of the day.
Most Masjids in the Muslim world are open 24 hours a day, seven days of week. They are often the first place the hungry, homeless or poor travelers turn to for help in the Muslim world.
However, the Masjid in North America has not developed this tradition. Most mosques are open only during prayer times. With the exception of one Masjid in Atlanta that proudly writes "door open 24/7 days a week," most doors are closed to the hungry and the homeless. About ten years ago I remember failing to persuade a Masjid which respected me as an Imam to allow the usage of its excellent cooking facilities to prepare meals for a proposed mobile soup kitchen (no, it was not one of those "immigrant Masjids". I did not bother to ask them).
The Prophet's Masjid in Madinah was a center of not just prayers, but of all the social and human services being offered at that time for the whole society, Allah's peace and blessings be upon the Prophet. Abu Huraira, who recorded the largest body of the sayings of the Prophet, was actually a homeless and poor Muslim who was sheltered on the Suffa of the Prophet's Masjid, may Allah be pleased with him. Hundreds were sheltered and fed in the Masjid before they were able to take care of themselves in the city. The Prophet's treasury would go empty most of the time because of the priority to take care of people, while the structure of the Masjid was so poor that sometimes the call to prayer would be done with the announcement that people should pray at home because the floor of the Masjid had turned into mud.
Masjids in the USA are better in many aspects than the Masjids in the cities of the old country, but not when it comes to social services. Although 84 percent of Masjids in America provide cash assistance to the needy there are usually no formal structures in place to go beyond the this charity. This can and must be changed. The Masjid is the focus of any Muslim community and in order for it to be effective, it must be more than a prayer place that is closed to the community "after hours."
Since four-fifths of the Masjids are located in a metropolitan area, they must be aware of the extraordinary efforts made by other faith groups to offer social services to the metro communities beyond their own congregation. It is the call of Islam to serve all in need, not just Muslims.
Funding may not be the problem since only 15 percent of Masjids report financial difficulties, while half feel their financial health is good . Social services are such community-oriented programs that it is Masjids, not the national organizations, that may become the only vehicle to help Muslim Americans advance in this long overdue area of development. Although there are many smaller Masjids, in each major city in the US there are four or five of them whose annual budget may be higher than that of any national Muslim organization. The problem, therefore, is not financial. Rather, it is understanding the importance of social services and assigning some dedicated workers/leaders to learn the necessary skills of this field for the community.
Here are eight suggestions for Masjids to provide the necessary social services to the community around them. If you are a Masjid leader, these ideas are for you. If you attend a Masjid, you can initiate discussion in your mosque to move forward in this area. Bear in mind that these ideas are for larger Masjids that can undertake such initiatives on their own. Alternatively, they can partner with smaller Masjids and assist them in enhancing their social services programs.
The first major suggestion I have is to form two committees:
Once the groundwork is done, have a Friday sermon dedicated to the importance of social services in which the Imam asks people to volunteer for the committees. Before a budget and other resources are assigned to the committee, let it study and come up with a plan of what that Masjid itself can do; things they can do in collaboration with other Masjids in the area; and things they can do together with other faith groups.
The formation of two committees instead of one will also rescue the cause of the hungry and the poor (human services committee) which we have often seen being lost to the cause of martial counseling, an area in which about 74 percent of Masjids report being informally involved in.
The formation of the committees will also help formalize what many Masjids may already be doing in an unstructured way, thereby making them much more effective and useful to the community.
Although old clothing can be difficult to process, clothing drives are something people love to participate in. So get them involved. Masjids need to place deposit boxes where clean and usable clothing can be collected. Most churches, for example, sell these clothes and use the cash for other priorities. These boxes can also become a regular reminder of our obligation to the poor.
Conclusion:
Organized social services are a new territory for Muslims in America, although we have a strong history in this field. Whether you are a volunteer in a Masjid or a leader of your Islamic center, if you do take steps in this direction, you are a pioneer. Please document each step and each experience in this direction and share them with other Muslims across America. You can send it for publication to any of the Muslim newspapers and magazines. You can also send it to us for web publishing. May Allah be with you.
9 things men can do for women in Muslim countries
Women's rights in Islam is not a "women's issue". It is a concern of all Muslims. Islam is a way of life, Muslims regularly explain, and this includes how women are treated.
This is why Muslim men are not the "enemy" in the fight for women's rights in Muslim countries. Rather, they are the brothers of Muslim women, who not only should but must stand up for justice and support women's rights within the framework of the Quran and Sunnah.
There are practical things you as a man can do living in a Muslim country. They do not take much time, but these small steps pave the way towards a society that is Insha Allah (God willing) just, not just for women, but everyone.
1. Examine your own attitudes
Start at home. How do you treat your mother? Or your younger sister? Is it like the family member you love and are Islamically required to care about? Be honest and critical.
2. Find out what the Quran and Sunnah say about women
Too often, we assume that if we are living in a Muslim society, that everything that is passed off as "Islamic" there really does fit the bill. That's not always true. Attitudes towards women are one very clear example of that.
Plan to read and find out more about women's rights in Islam. Make sure to consult reliable books and scholars. Make sure that if a scholar or book is saying something about women, they have proof from the Quran and Sunnah. As well, make sure the scholar you are consulting is someone well grounded in Islamic knowledge, has studied at a reputable Islamic institution, and he treats the women of his own family with respect and care. One book you can consult on women is Gender Equity in Islam by Dr. Jamal Badawi or Dr. Hasan Turabi's book: Women in Islam and Muslim Society.
3. Read about the female Companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him)
Reading about the lives of Khadija, Aisha, Hafsa, Umm Salama, Sumayya, Nusayba, Rumaysa (may Allah be pleased with them all) and more will make you see how women were very much part of the struggle for Islam in the early days. You will gain a greater appreciation for how much women, like men, sacrificed and struggled for the sake of Allah.
4. Change your practices
Changing negative attitudes, habits and practices are difficult but not impossible. It takes conscious effort, on a daily basis. Make Dua (supplication) and keep trying to change the negative. Make it almost automatic. When you think or are about to say something which is not in line with the Quran and Sunnah's views on women stop yourself before continuing and ask yourself-am I right or is Allah right?
5. Speak out against anti-women "guy" talk
This is the hard part. Helping your male relatives and friends correct their own negative attitudes. When you find your buddies making incorrect statements about women or talking obscenely about them (which is not allowed in Islam anyway), speak up. It's hard, but using wisdom and beautiful preaching is key in this. The added advantage of this is that it will help reinforce your corrected views on women.
6. Support women's literacy and Islamicity
The rate of illiteracy amongst women in Muslim countries is not only unacceptable, it's unIslamic. Teaching women how to read and write will not encourage them to turn away from Islam (as sadly, some people still believe). Rather, a woman who knows how to read and write and is Islamically focused is a tremendous asset to her family and the Ummah.
Supporting women's literacy and Islamicity can be done in your own home simply by ensuring your female family members have access to female tutors and teachers and classes which teach reading and writing, as well as at least the basics of Islam (i.e. learning how to read the Quran, Seerah, everyday Fiqh, etc.). As well, make sure your home has a good library of books about Islam for the benefit of all family members.
7. Praise women
This is a small step but its results cannot be underestimated. In societies where women and their "traditional" household work are either ignored or under appreciated, praising women for what they do is a way to remind them that they are valuable members of a household and by extension of society. Their work is not for nothing and Insha Allah, they will be rewarded in this life and the next for it. This positivism needs to be regularly emphasized.
8. Treat your daughters like the Prophet did
Our blessed Prophet never hit his daughters, insulted them or put them down. They were his only surviving children and he had no sons who lived past infancy. This was in a time when people used to bury their baby daughters alive and scorned girls and women.
This is a profound example for fathers today. Act on it. It's hard not to favor sons over daughters when there is so much pressure to have someone carry on the family name, for instance. But just remember the Prophet's example, and remember that on the Day of Judgment, your family name will make no difference to Allah. It is only your belief and deeds He will care about.
9. Use your authority
If you are in some kind of position of authority, consider using your influence to challenge unIslamic attitudes towards women. Why not write letters to newspapers or articles about this topic? Why not hold seminars on women's rights in Islam in your workplace?
11 tips for Muslim couples dealing with marital disputes in the West
by Sound Vision Staff Writer
Marriages usually start off so nicely. Everyone cooperates-the couple, their parents, other relatives, friends. Things usually run smoothly.
But somewhere along the way, marital disputes pop up. This is of course natural, but these can escalate to dangerous levels if not dealt with correctly.
Sound Vision spoke to Shahina Siddiqui of the Islamic Social Services Association of the United States and Canada (ISSA) about tips for couples dealing with marital disputes. She pinpointed some problems and provided tips on how to deal with them.
1. Money
Couples argue over many things but money is by far one of the most frequent and serious. The solution is to discuss issues openly and consult within the family.
For instance, the issue of a wife working outside the home can become a contentious one. This should preferably be discussed before marriage. Also, if she does decide to work and the husband agrees, does she want to contribute a certain portion to household expenses or will she keep all of the money for herself (which is her right)?
One of the ways to avoid arguments about money is to simply make an easy budget which tracks expenses, income, investments, and establishes a framework for taking care of regular family necessities (see a sample budget for a family).
Also, learn how to make a budget and deal with debt. If you are a young student, keep in mind you have to pay off student loans. You should also know where to get interest-free loans and what assistance is available (for more information about Islamic money issues, check out Sound Vision's money page.
2. In-laws
In-laws are the focus of blame and reproach when there are marital disputes. But there are ways to maintain a good relationship with them. Here are some tips:
3. Parenting
The tug of war that results from differing understandings of parenting are also a source of tension in marriage. One solution is to start learning about Islamic parenting before having children. If you already have kids, you can still learn. Check out Sound Vision's parenting page. Or contact organizations like ISSA for resources.
4. Stress
Stress is an almost constant factor in most people's lives in North America. Muslim couples are no exception. Stress from work, for example, is carried into the home.
Couples and families need to work out a coping mechanism in the family. For instance, couples can take a walk to talk about the day or go to the Masjid for at least one prayer. They can read Quran individually or together. The methods can vary, but as long as they are Halal and work, they can be used.
5. Domestic violence
This is an extremely sad reality and unless it is dealt with promptly by victims, perpetrators and/or those concerned about the two, then the family will break. Seeking help is necessary and if domestic violence is not stopped, the destructive effects will not only be harmful to the husband and wife, but to their children as well.
Family members, friends and Imams need to stop the abuse. They must intervene and work on getting help for the husband and the wife.
6. Spiritual incompatibility
This is a growing problem in North America, where Muslims from all around the world live and different understandings of Islam are present. There is a disturbing lack of tolerance amongst young Muslims, especially, who may get sucked into cult-like groups which preach a "we're right and everyone else is wrong" mentality, whether the issue is where you put your hands in prayer or whether you decide to wear Western clothes or traditional Eastern ones.
This intolerance is being transferred to marriages, where a couple may differ on minor points of faith. Married couples must understand the difference between an Islamically acceptable difference of opinion and one that is not. They must develop a tolerance, balance and respect for their differences on that basis.
7. Sexual dysfunction
This is one of the least talked about problems, but it is one that is wreaking havoc in a number of marriages. Many couples who are marrying are not learning the Islamic perspective on sex and marriage. As a result, when they are not satisfied with their spouse, a number of them may turn to others or seek easy divorce, instead of a solution.
Couples have to understand that the marital relationship in this area, as in others, needs work and patience and cannot be the subject of whims and impatience. Knowledge, practice and if possible, the advice of a wise, compassionate scholar are two key elements in finding a solution to this problem.
8. Interfaith marriages
Islam forbids marriage between Muslim women and non-Muslim men. There are a number of Muslim women who have taken this step and regretted it later. Such an action, in most Muslim families, results in the woman being isolated from her family with no support. As a result, when marital disputes do arise, parental support, which is there for many Muslim couples, is not there for these women. These Muslim women may also experience guilt for disobeying Allah and hurting their parents.
In other cases, Muslim women ask non-Muslim men they want to marry to convert shortly before the marriage to appease their parents. Again this can lead to marital disputes. Two things usually happen. Either the man becomes a truly practicing Muslim and the couple is no longer compatible; or he's bombarded with Muslims from the community wanting to invite him to Islam and he gets upset and may hate Islam.
In the case of Muslim men marrying Jewish and Christian women, the situation is different. While Islam does allow this, Muslim men marrying Jews and Christians need to remember that living in the West, if they end up divorcing, the children will almost automatically be given to the mother. Also, remember that the mother is the child's most important school. If you want your kids to grow up as practicing Muslims, you are better off marrying a practicing Muslim woman, especially in the West, where the unIslamic cultural influences outside the home are strong enough. Inside the home, it will become even harder to maintain Islamic influences if a mother is not a practicing Muslim herself.
9. Intercultural marriages
While Islam does not forbid intercultural marriages, they can become a source of tension when Muslims, primarily the couple, but also their families, make their culture more important than Islam. If parental support is there for an intercultural marriage, things are smoother for the couple. If there is not, and if there is even hostile opposition on the part of one or both sets of parents, it could be better to not marry the person in the long run.
10. Lack of domestic skills
While girls are being encouraged to become scientists, engineers and doctors, for instance, there is little to no emphasis being placed on gaining domestic skills. It should be remembered that in Islam, while women are not forbidden from working within Islamic guidelines, and men are encouraged to help with housework, women's primary duty is within the home as a home manager and mother. As a result of the lack of domestic skills, many married couples find themselves in messy homes, where meals lack proper nutrition and in general, there is frustration.
If a married couple is working, husbands need to pitch in more in the home and remember that their wife is a not a machine, but a human being who also needs rest after a hard day of work.
11. The modern Muslim woman meets the old-fashioned Muslim man
While young Muslim women of the West are being encouraged to be strong and confident, boys are being raised in the same way and with the same cultural expectations as their fathers. As a result, young couples face a tug of war, when the old-fashioned, young Muslim boy won't lift a finger around the house (since he never saw his dad do this) and his young Muslim wife expects him to pitch in, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) did with his wives.
As well, a number of young Muslim men expect their wives not to argue with them since they never saw their mother cross their father. This is once again cultural. But what is clear is that boys and girls are being raised very differently. Parents have to be more careful to give proper training to both children. As well, parents need to intervene in cases of dispute of this nature and be fair, not favor their own child.
An Imam's Guide to dealing with domestic violence in the West
by Sound Vision Staff Writer
If you're an Imam who has come from abroad, you have seen how heavy the burden is on Imams in the West. While in Muslim countries, your role may have been simply leading prayers and teaching children Quran, for example, in North America, you cannot do only this.
The Imam is the leader of the community in the fullest sense of the word, and his responsibilities include more than leading prayers and teaching. He must deal with issues perhaps never touched upon "back home". Domestic violence in the Muslim community is just one of them.
Below are 12 tips for how Imams can deal with the issue of domestic violence in Muslim communities:
1. Know the definition of abuse.
There are different types of abuse (physical, verbal, emotional, etc.) Know what types of abuse there are and know their telltale signs. There is plenty of material on this subject which can be found at police stations, women's centers and libraries about this topic.
It will also help you read a few books about the domestic violence. May be you want to add some good books on this topic in your Islamic center's library as well.
2. Understand that this is not a personal matter
Domestic violence is not a private matter between a husband and wife that should be ignored. Domestic violence can lead to the destruction and separation of a Muslim family, which is already so fragile in a predominantly non-Muslim environment. The destruction of one family is the destruction of one unit of the Muslim community. As leaders, Imams have a duty to help those suffering in this crisis.
Remember that Muslims must help their brothers and sisters, whether they are the oppressed or the oppressor. Not only must we help the sister who is being abused, we must also help the brother who is abusing to make him stop. Domestic violence can lead to murder of the sister, and the brother being put in jail. Children would be separated from parents and most likely put in non-Muslim foster homes if this happened.
3. Approach domestic violence as you would any social problem
Provide solutions, not just threats of Hellfire to men who abuse. Remember that a person who has this problem can change Insha Allah (if Allah wills) if there is help and support from the community and leaders like the Imam.
4. Know what services exist in the community
Imams should know where the nearest battered women's shelter is, for instance. They should know if there are crisis hotlines available, as well as safehouses where women can stay if they are trying to escape from a violent husband.
5. Be able to assess a crisis and protection plans
Consult a counselor about knowing how to assess the level of crisis in a home and help women develop protection plans (see tips for victims of domestic violence in the West for details of the protection plan).
6. Give your name to a local women's shelter or a crisis line
This is important because when there is an emergency involving a Muslim woman who wants to contact Muslims, shelters and crisis lines can refer the woman to the mosque or Islamic center and the Imam or another Muslim representative.
7. Bring the issue to community's attention
It's easier to deny a problem exists when no one talks about it except in hush hush tones. But when an Imam starts giving Khutbas (sermons) on the topic and discusses it in Islamic study circles (Halaqas) men and women have to start taking it seriously.
A Khutba or discussion on this topic could be structured in the following way:
A note of caution: if you do decide to use a case study from the community when talking about domestic violence, make sure not to disclose details which will make it obvious to listeners which couple is being discussed. This is a violation of privacy.
8. Open up the mosque or Islamic center for abused women
Make sure the mosque or Islamic center is open at all times for abused women to seek refuge in. Remember that Muslim women would prefer to turn for help to their community before going to non-Muslim shelters and calling non-Muslim run crisis lines. Making sure the mosque is a "safe spot" can make women consider the mosque as one of their first points of refuge in an emergency. Ensure there is adequate safety in the mosque for women fleeing violence.
9. Make yourself available
Contact information and Timings when you, the Imam, are available should be known to all in the community, either through announcements and/or newsletters and bulletin boards. All Imams should have a pager where people can easily reach them in emergencies. There should be one locked mail box which only you can open. There should be an email address for those who wants to seek guidance maintaining their anonymity.
10. Establish a social services system or committee
In cooperation with Muslim social service professionals in your community, establish a committee which will develop a system for social services in your community to tackle issues like domestic violence in Muslim homes.
11. Set up support groups
In mosques and Islamic centers, encourage the establishment of support groups for abusers and the abused (separately) so they can share their experiences with other Muslims who may have suffered from domestic violence as well. Make sure the group is run by wise, trustworthy individuals.
12. Make Dua
As a leader of the community, the well-being of its members is part of your responsibility. Make Dua that Allah helps you in this heavy task and that He eases the difficulties of all those suffering in the community, men, women and children.
Domestic violence hurts Muslims too: Stop the hurt now
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month nationwide. Three to four million women are beaten annually and every 15 seconds a woman is abused in her home. Nationally, domestic violence has become the number one cause of death among women.
One reaction may be, "that's a tragedy that doesn't effect Muslim families". But it does.
While research on the prevalence of family violence among Muslims is just beginning, Imams, community leaders and social workers across North America confirm that Muslim women, children and men are being affected by this devastating social problem.
Spouse abuse is described by The Family Violence Prevention Fund as "a pattern of purposeful behaviors, directed at achieving compliance from or control over the victim."
A pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion characterizes spousal abuse. Behaviors include shoving, pushing, destruction of valuables, hurting pets and loved ones- even children.
Physical violence may lead to broken bones, head injury, vision loss, and death. Among victims, emotional abuse leads to a broken spirit and feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and oppression.
Domestic abuse knows no boundaries. It occurs among well known and little known community members, the rich, the poor, the well-educated and uneducated, foreign-born and American-born, all cultures, racial and religious groups-including Muslim converts and non-converts.
The signs include controlling behavior, isolation, uncontrolled anger, unexplained bruises, patterns of irrational thinking and victim blaming, intimidation; "joking" about taking another wife, name calling and remarks that degrade the victim's self esteem. Domestic violence is cyclical, from explosion to remorse to explosion. Women and men are victims. Often one spouse inflicts abuse on another but both spouses may also hurt each other.
Children in these families are our most vulnerable victims. The majority of battered women have children who are hurt physically and emotionally by the violence in their homes. More than half the children whose mothers are battered are likely to be physically abused themselves.
Domestic abuse also occurs during pregnancy and can severely impact the child in utero. According to the statistics eight percent to 26 percent of battered women were pregnant during the abuse. When children are raised in violent homes they usually grow up to perpetuate the cycle of violence in their families.
Violence against women is not an Islamic tradition. Prophet Muhammad(peace and blessings be upon him) instructed Muslims regarding women, "I command you to be kind to women." He said also, "The best of you is the best to his family (wife). The Quran urges husbands to be kind and considerate to their wives, even if a wife falls out of favor with her husband or disinclination for her arises within him. It also outlawed the pre-Islamic practice of inheriting women as part of the estate of the deceased.
A translation of Quran says, "O you who believe! You are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should you treat them with harshness, that you may take away part of the marital gift you have given them, except when they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary, live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If you take a dislike to them, it may be that you dislike a thing through which Allah brings about a great deal of good. (Quran 4:19)"
Dr. Jamal Badawi, author of Gender Equity in Islam, discusses Chapter 4, verse 34 of the Quran which is often used to justify maltreatment of women. He indicates, "under no circumstances does the Quran encourage, allow, or condone family violence or physical abuse. In extreme cases, and whenever greater harm, such as divorce, is a likely option, in an effort to save the marriage it allows for a husband to administer a gentle pat with a miswak (a small natural toothbrush) to his wife that causes no sort of physical harm to the body nor leaves any sort of mark. It may serve, in some cases, to bring to the wife's attention the seriousness of her continued unreasonable behavior, and may be resorted to only after exhausting other prerequisite steps".
Prophet Muhammad said, "Do not beat the female servants of Allah;" "Some (women) visited my family complaining about their husbands (beating them). These (husbands) are not the best of you" and "[is it not a shame that] one of you beats his wife like [an unscrupulous person] beats a slave and maybe sleeps with her at the end of the day." (Riyadh Al-Saliheeen, p137-140). In another Hadith the Prophet (pbuh) said, "...How does anyone of you beat his wife as he beats the stallion camel and then he may embrace (sleep with) her?..."(Sahih Al-Bukhari, vol. 8, hadith 68, p.42-43).
Domestic violence is preventable by building our Iman (faith), remembering and implementing the commands of Allah and the example of His Prophet. Marriage preparation education and premarital counseling can help future spouses learn skills that will assist them in developing a healthy, violence-free family life.
Anger management, communication skills, stress management, decision making and problem solving skills are also very important life skills that can help to prevent domestic violence. During October and throughout the year Khutbas (sermons) and study circles should focus on Islamic ways to prevent family violence.
As Imams, community leaders, brothers and sisters we can not be tolerant of family violence on any level. This is a problem that will not be eliminated unless we act. We must recognize the signs of spouse abuse and act to prevent it or work towards its elimination. We must stop encouraging the marriage of individuals with a family history of domestic abuse which has not been resolved through counseling and sincere repentance to Allah. We must encourage couples to seek spiritual and professional help.
Shelters are needed for women and children seeking a safe, protective, Islamic environment. Islamic Social Services are needed to provide preventive education, support and crisis intervention. Insha Allah (God willing) we must become partners against domestic violence. Spread the word. Stop the hurt.
Facing The Trials of Life With Joy
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds." (James 1:2)
History tells us that Thomas Edison invented the microphone, the phonograph, the incandescent light, the storage battery, movies with sound, and more than 1,000 other things. The truth is the quality of our lives has been immeasurably improved by the genius of a man who overcame dyslexia and found that there was a great deal to learn from the failures and trials that life brought his way.
In 1914, the laboratory where many of Edison’s inventions were birthed caught on fire. Fire companies from eight surrounding towns responded, but inadequate water pressure and intense heat left firefighters with nothing more to do than watch two million dollars in assets that were insured for only $238,000 burn to the ground.
The inventor’s 24 year-old son, Charles, searched frantically for his father, worrying that he might have been trapped in the structure. When he found his dad, he was calmly watching the fire, his face glowing in the reflection, his white hair blowing in the wind.
"My heart ached for him," said Charles. "He was 67—no longer a young man—and everything was going up in flames. When he saw me, he shouted, ‘Charles, where’s your mother?’ When I told him I didn’t know, he said, ‘Find her. Bring her here. She will never see anything like this as long as she lives.’ "
The next morning, Edison looked at the ruins and said, "There is great value in disaster. All our mistakes are burned up. Thank God we can start anew."
It is hard to face our trials with the spirit that was found in Thomas Edison, but that’s exactly what God expects us to do. You see God knows that real spiritual growth can only come from and through the trials that he allows to come our way. They are ultimately what form the basis for the joy that Christian maturity brings with it.
I ran across a poem recently that’s worth putting on our refrigerators and thinking about when trouble finds us. I don’t know who wrote it, but I sure know the One who inspired it:
It’s sometimes very difficult
For us to understand
The wisdom and the love behind
The things that God has planned.
But we wouldn’t have the rainbow
If we didn’t have the rain;
We wouldn’t know the pleasure
If we never tasted pain.
We wouldn’t love the sunrise
If we hadn’t felt the night;
And we wouldn’t know our weakness
If we hadn’t sensed God’s might.
We couldn’t have the springtime
Or the yellow daffodil
If we hadn’t experienced
The winter’s frosty chill.
And though the brilliant sunshine
Is something God has made.
He knew too much could parch our souls
So He created shade.
So God’s given us a balance:
Enough joys to keep us glad,
Enough tears to keep us humble,
Enough good to balance bad.
And if you’ll trust in Him you’ll see
Though yesterday brought sorrow,
The clouds will part and dawn will bring
A happier tomorrow.
Fundamentals of a happy marriage
by Shahina Siddiqui
Faith: The most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common faith that binds the couple.
Since Islam is a way of life and not just a religion confined to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a Muslim's life. The frame of reference shared by the couple eases communication and sharing of values which is not possible in an interfaith marriage. It is highly recommended that faith play an important role in the developing a loving relationship.
For example, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, that when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a reward for this act and Allah increases the bond of love between them. So when we love each other for the sake of Allah WE ACTUALLY INCREASE OUR FAITH.
Forgiving: When the Prophet Muhammad asked his Companions ‘do you wish that Allah should forgive you' they said, of course O Prophet of Allah. He responded, ‘then forgive each other'.
One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the spouses are able to forgive, that they do not hold grudges or act judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when we live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not stingy to forgive.
If we expect Allah to forgive us than we must learn to forgive.
Forget: When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us down or hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who use this technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of their own pettiness, unable to break free.
Forbearance: Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a proactive frame of mind it brings us closer to Allah through Tawakul and reliance .We develop an inner mechanism that empowers us to handle life's difficult moments. As Allah states in Surah al-Asr: "Surely by time humans are at loss, except those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel each other to the truth and counsel each other to Sabr' (Quran, chapter 103).
Flexible: Many couples unnecessarily make themselves miserable because they are unwilling to bend a little.
We should not expect our spouses to be our extensions. They are their own selves with personalities, likes and dislikes. We must respect their right to be them selves as long as it does not compromise their Deen (religion). Being inflexible and not accommodating for individual differences leads to a very stressful and tense home atmosphere.
Friendship: This aspect of marriage has three components.
First is to develop a friendship with our spouses.The relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures.
We honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends, in spite of our differences. These are the aspects of friendship we should bring to our marriages.
Unfortunately the only aspect that people think of bringing to their marriage which is highly inappropriate is the buddy scenario. Shariah (Islamic law) has placed the husband in a leadership role within a family. This requires a certain decorum, which cannot be maintained if the spouses consider each other as pals.
This should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator but a shepherd who is responsible for and to his flock. This is a position of grave responsibility and places an enormous burden on the husband. Further more the children need to see their parents as friends but not as pals as this encourages disrespect.
Friendly: Second aspect of friendship is to have friendly relations with in-laws. When couples compete as to whose parents are more important it becomes a constant source of grief. Much valuable time is wasted trying to convince, one another of whose parents are most desirable. It is better if we accept, that our spouses will not overnight fall in love with our parents just because we want them to. As long as they maintain friendly relations that are cordial and based on mutual respect we should not force the issue.
Friends: The third aspect of friendship is our circle of friends. It is okay to have individual friends of the same gender but couples must also make effort to have family friends so that they can socialize together. If there is friction being caused by a certain friendship it must not be pursued at the expense of the marriage. Prophet Muhammad advised us to choose God fearing people as friends since we tend to follow their way. Friends should be a source of joy and not mischief.
Fun: Couples that do not laugh together have to work on sharing some fun times. The Prophet was known to play with his wives. A simple walk in the park can add much spark to the relationship. Taking up a sport together or watching clean funny movies is another way of sharing a laugh.
Faithful: It is commanded by Allah that we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery is a capital crime in Islam that is punishable by death. However there are various forms of unfaithful behavior prevalent among some Muslims.
The most common form is maintaining friendships with the opposite sex over the boundaries set by Islam, and the misgivings of the spouse. The latest trend of Internet relationships is also contrary to Islamic Adab (etiquette) and is causing serious problems between couples. Once a sense of betrayal sets in, repairing that relationship is difficult. Another form of not being faithful is when couples betray confidences. This is a trust issue and one when compromised eats away at the heart of a marriage.
Fair: Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play fair. We try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is okay to be unjust in our behavior and our statements. Allah states in the Quran do not be unjust under any circumstances, even if they be your enemy, and here we are talking about our life partners and the parent of our children. To use words such as "never" and "always" when describing the behavior of the partner is unfair and puts the other on the defensive.
Finance: One of the most common points of contention in marriages is money. Experts tell us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money.
It is therefore highly recommended that the couple put serious time and effort in developing a financial management plan that is mutually agreeable and is reviewed every six months or so. Preparing a budget together is also a helpful and wise way to handling household finances. It should be remembered that the wife's money in Islam is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should not be considered family income unless she chooses to contribute it to the family
Family: Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents are not well informed. This in turn can put extra pressure on the marriage.
Sometimes couples are naive about the changes that come in the lifestyle. This can cause in some cases depression and in some resentment and misunderstandings. One golden rule that must always be the guide is; that family comes first.
Whenever there is evidence that the family is not happy or not our first priority it is time to assemble at the kitchen table and discuss with open hearts and mind. Couples who have elderly parents have an added responsibility to take care of them. This can also be very stressful if the couple is not prepared.
A care plan must be worked out with respective siblings and parents as to who will be the primary care giver and what type of support network they will have. In case of mental incompetence a power of attorney must be in place. The making of a will is most essential .
Feelings: Prophet Muhammad \stated that Allah forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others i.e. hurt their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives first.
Couples are sometimes very careless when it comes to their spouse's feelings, they take them for granted and assume that the other knows what they mean. It is surprising that people are more sensitive and courteous to strangers than they are to their loved ones. One must be ever vigilant and careful that they do not hurt the feelings of their spouses and if they invariably do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time?
Freedom: Marriage in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To consider the wife one's property is alien to Islamic concept of husband and wife role. The team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members of the team are free to be themselves. Freedom in the common western since is to be free to do as one pleases or to be selfish. On the contrary, to allow freedom to one's spouse is to be considerate of their needs and to recognize their limitations.
Flirtation: A sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt with your spouse. Many successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor in their marriages by adopting special names for each other and secret communication styles.
Frank: Misunderstandings happen when couples are not honest with each other. Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind with due consideration to the other's feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication is not frank it hinders in the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.
Facilitator: When choosing our life partner, we must, as the Prophet advised, look for a pious Muslim. The reason is that their first and foremost goal is the pleasure of Allah. This commitment to Allah makes them an excellent facilitator for enhancing their partner's spiritual development. In essence, the couple facilitates their family's commitment to Allah and His Deen.
Flattering: Paying compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouse's heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being stingy about compliments is actually depriving oneself of being appreciated in return.
Fulfilling: To be all one can be to one's spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding experience. To be in love means to give one's all. The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.
Fallible: It often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that we lose focus of the fact that we are fallible beings. When couples start to nitpick and demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allah is perfect.
Fondness: So many times couples fail to work on developing fondness for each other by [failing] to see their spouses as people through the eyes of their respective friends. Spending quality time alone doing and sharing activities are ways in which one can develop fondness.
Future: Smart couples plan for their future together. They work on their financial and retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with their children. This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.
Job 2:7-13 THE RESULTS OF LIFE'S TRIALS
Intro: Gary Carr tells the story of Chippie the parakeet. "Chippie never saw it coming. One second he was peacefully perched in his cage, sending a song into the air; the next second he was sucked in, washed up, and blown over.
"His problem began when his owner decided to clean his cage with a vacuum. She had stuck the nozzle in to suck up the seeds and feathers at the bottom of the cage when the nearby telephone rang. Instinctively she turned to pick it up. She had barely said hello when--ssswwwwwpppppp! Chippie got sucked in. She gasped, let the phone drop, and switched off the vacuum. With her heart in her mouth, she unzipped the bag.
"There was Chippie--alive but stunned--covered with heavy gray dust. She grabbed him and rushed to the bathtub, turned on the faucet full blast, and held Chippie under a torrent of ice-cold water, power washing him clean. Then it dawned on her that Chippie was soaking wet and shivering. So she did what any compassionate pet owner would do: she snatched up the hair dryer and blasted him with hot air.
"Did Chippie survive? Yes, but he doesn't sing much anymore. He just sits and stares a lot. It's not hard to see why. Sucked in, washed up, and blown over! It's enough to steal the song from any stout heart." Life is like that sometimes. You never see it coming, but life just sucks you up, washes you up and blows you over.
Ill. The trials of Job. We are familiar with the things that Job had to endure. He suffered greatly for the glory of the Lord, and for thousands of years, his life has stood as a testimony to the faithfulness of the Lord and of His ability to bring His people through any trial. Job's story is one of vast encouragement, at least to me. In this passage, we will see what the trials of life bring our way. We are going to come face to face with four of the Results Of Life's Trials.
I. V. 9 TRIALS WILL CHALLENGE YOUR FAITH
II. V. 12 TRIALS WILL CHANGE YOUR FACE
D. When the trials of life pick you up and squeeze you, the devil longs for you to produce lemon juice. He wants you get sour and bitter at God about your trials. For once, throw him the curve ball. When life squeezes you just continue to serve the Lord faithfully and to praise His wonderful name. If you want to make the devil mad, there is no greater way!
III. TRIALS WILL REVEAL THE CHARACTER OF YOUR FRIENDS
2. Bildad - This is the man of The Traditional Explanation.
3. Zophar - The man of the Total Estimation - He looks at the situation and simply tells Job that he needs to repent of his sins and get right with God, then these things wouldn't happen.
4. Elihu - The man of Truthful Expression - It takes this great talker 6 chapters to tell us that God is great and fair. He never does do Job any good.
B. Do you have any friends like these men? From time to time, we all have those around us that seem to do everything in their power to keep us in our places. They feel that it is their job to point out our failures and our shortcomings. God deliver us from friends like these! (Ill. Job's attitude toward his friends - Job 12:2; 13:4)
C. My whole point in saying these things has been to show you tht men will fail you. Our friends in this world are nothing but sinners like we are and are prone to failure, Psa. 146:3. However, Jesus Christ will never fail those who place their faith in Him - Deut. 31:6-8; Heb. 13:5; Pro. 3:5-6. There is a Friend who shall never fail - Pro. 18:24.
IV. 1:20-21; 42:10-17 TRIALS WILL CONFIRM YOUR FOUNDATIONS
B. Life never goes as we plan it, but it never takes God by surprise! He knows the way we take and when we are tried, we shall come forth as gold, Job. 23:10. God knows how to take the worst that face and turn it into great victory in our lives. He may not give everything back just as it was, but you can count on the Lord to prove Himself faithful in your time of trial.
C. I believe that Job's great victory hinges on the fact that he never lost sight of God in his trial. Notice his actions in 1:20-21. He was a broken and humbled man, yet he was still able to exalt the name of the Lord and give praise to the God of Heaven. As long as you can still worship, you still have the victory! (Ill. Whether we live it or not, the victory is ours anyway - 1 Cor 15:17; Rom. 8:37.)
Conc: As you have faced the trials of life, I am sure you have seen the things proven true time and again. I do not know what valley you may be walking through this evening, but I do know a God who wants to help you get safely through it. Will you bring your need to Jesus this afternoon? Will you came before Him and lay it all down? Whatever the situation, whatever the trial, whatever the burden of need, please bring them to the Lord right now. Will you do that?
Marriage in Islam
by Shahina Siddiqui
"And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in peace and tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect" (Quran 30:21).
"O Humans revere your Guardian Lord, Who created you from a single person created of like nature its mate, and from this scattered (like seeds) countless men and women. Reverence Allah through Whom you claim your mutual rights" (Quran 4:1).
The above verses of the Quran lay out the framework as to what are the basis, the objectives and the goal of marriage in Islam. In the ultimate Wisdom of Allah we are first told that both partners man and woman are created from the same source. That this should be paid attention to as it is one of His signs.
The fact that we come from the same soul signifies our equality as humans, when the essence of our creation is the same, the argument of who is better or greater is redundant. To stress on this fact and then to talk about marriage in the same verse is of great significance for those of us who are in the field of marriage counseling.
The shift in this attitude of equality of genders as human beings cause a imbalance in marital relation ship that leads to dysfunctional marriage. When ever one party considers themselves superior or above the law there is a shift in the balance of power that may lead to misuse or abuse of power as the less valuable partner is seen as an easy prey. Many marital difficulties are based on or caused by control and rule stratagem.
By stressing on the equality of all humans men or women and making it the basis of marriage, Allah in His infinite wisdom has laid the ground rules for establishing peace, as well as the assigning of different roles to husband and wife as functional strategy rather than a question of competence as humans.
Prophet Mohammad (peace and blessings be upon him) has stated that: "men and women are twin halves of each other" (Bukhari). This Hadith also brings home the fact that men and women are created from single source. Furthermore, by using the analogy of twin half the Prophet has underlined the reciprocal nature and the interdependent nature of men and women's relationship.
The objective and the goal of marriage in Islam according to the above Quranic verse is to enable us to dwell in peace and tranquility. It is important for us to reflect on these words and their significance in the Islamic frame of reference.
In order to have peace certain condition must be met. These prerequisites to peace are Justice, Fairness, Equity, Equality, and fulfillment of mutual rights. Therefore any injustice whether it is oppression, or persecution, cannot be tolerated if there is to be peace in Muslim homes.
In the domestic realm oppression is manifested when the process of Shura (consultation) is compromised, neglected or ignored. When one partner (in most cases the husband) makes unilateral decisions and applies dictatorial style of leadership, peace is compromised. Persecution is present when there is any form of domestic abuse being perpetrated.
Tranquility on the other hand is a state of being which is achieved when peace has been established. Tranquility is compromised when there is tension, stress and anger. It is a mistake to take tranquility to mean perpetual state of bliss. Since being Muslims does not make us immune to tragedies and catastrophes.
In fact Allah tells us in the Quran that we will be tried (2:155,57). What a state of tranquility does is to empower us to handle life's difficult moments with our spouses as obedient servants of Allah. Allah in His infinite Mercy also provides us with the tools by which we can achieve this state of peace and tranquility.
The second principle besides Shura on which the Islamic family life is based is Mercy (Rehma), and in this verse Allah is telling us that He has placed mercy between spouses. We are therefore inclined by our very nature to have mercy for our spouses. Mercy is manifested through compassion, forgiveness, caring and humility.
It is obvious that these are all ingredients that make for a successful partnership. Marriage in Islam is above all a partnership based on equality of partners and specification of roles. Lack of mercy in a marriage or a family renders it in Islamic terms dysfunctional.
Allah further states that He has also placed in addition to mercy, love between spouses. It should however be noted that Islamic concept of love is different from the more commonly understood romantic love so valued in the Western cultures.
The basic difference is that love between man and woman in the Islamic context can only be realized and expressed in a legal marriage. In order to develop a healthy avenue for the expression of love between man and woman and to provide security so that such a loving relationship can flourish, it is necessary to give it the protection of Shariah (Islamic law).
Marital love in Islam inculcates the following:
Faith: The love Muslim spouses have for each other is for the sake of Allah that is to gain His pleasure. It is from Allah that we claim our mutual rights (Quran 4:1) and it is to Allah that we are accountable for our behavior as husbands and wives.
It sustains: Love is not to consume but to sustain. Allah expresses His love for us by providing sustenance. To love in Islam is to sustain our loved one physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually, to the best of our ability (to sustain materially is the husbands duty, however if the wife wishes she can also contribute)
Accepts: To love someone is to accept them for who they are. It is selfishness to try and mould someone as we wish them to be. True love does not attempt to crush individuality or control personal differences, but is magnanimous and secure to accommodate differences.
Challenges: Love challenges us to be all we can, it encourages us to tap into our talents and takes pride in our achievements. To enable our loved one to realize their potential is the most rewarding experience.
Merciful: Mercy compels us to love and love compels us to have mercy. In the Islamic context the two are synonymous. The attribute Allah chose to be the supreme for Himself is that He is the most Merciful. This attribute of Rehman (the Merciful) is mentioned 170 times in the Quran, bringing home the significance for believers to be merciful. Mercy in practical application means to have and show compassion and to be charitable.
Forgiving: Love is never too proud to seek forgiveness or too stingy to forgive. It is willing to let go of hurt and letdowns. Forgiveness allows us the opportunity to improve and correct our selves.
Respect: To love is to respect and value the person their contributions and their opinions. Respect does not allow us to take for granted our loved ones or to ignore their input. How we interact with our spouses reflects whether we respect them or not.
Confidentiality: Trust is the most essential ingredient of love. When trust is betrayed and confidentiality compromised, love loses its soul.
Caring: Love fosters a deep fondness that dictates caring and sharing in all that we do. The needs of our loved ones take precedence over our own.
Kindness: The Seerah (biography) of our beloved Prophet is rich with examples of acts of kindness, he showed towards his family and particularly his wives. Even when his patience was tried, he was never unkind in word or deed. To love is to be kind.
Grows: Marital love is not static it grows and flourishes with each day of marital life. It requires work and commitment, and is nourished through faith when we are thankful and appreciative of Allah blessings.
Enhances: Love enhances our image and beautifies our world. It provides emotional security and physical well being.
Selflessness: Love gives unconditionally and protects dutifully.
Truthful: Love is honesty without cruelty and loyalty without compromise.
Muslim Misperceptions about Social Services
by Abdul Malik Mujahid
Working to help others, also known as social service, is an Islamic obligation. Muslims carry out this obligation on an individual level. However at the institutionalized and collective levels Muslims in America, by and large, neglect this duty. Muslims in America live within their own communities like islands. It is vital that these islands become connected to the broader American society by building bridges through social service. There is hardly any evidence of social service institutions built and run by Muslims as compared to what is being done by other faith groups.
Social services can be divided into two major categories although some overlapping does exist:
Alhamdu lillah, Muslims are gradually becoming aware of this need although the work, up to now, has been limited to small endeavors. There are a few small and underfunded efforts throughout North America. Currently, our African-American Muslim brothers and sisters are at the forefront of these efforts. In a handful of instances immigrant Muslim women and second generation Muslims are also addressing these issues.
There are many causes for this weakness. Among them are the extraordinary growth of Masjids and schools which has probably taken up most Muslim resources in the last two decades, along with humanitarian disasters in the world for which Muslim Americans have been donating generously.
However, the above factors do not take into account some misperceptions among Muslims which continue to contribute to an almost total absence of social service in the priorities of Masjids and other Muslim organizations. Below are some of the major Muslim misperceptions which need to be addressed as the Muslim leadership tries to make social services a priority for the Muslim community in North America.
Misperception #1: Social service is not an Islamic obligation
Muslims regard helping the needy and the poor as good and rewarding acts but
they do not consider them necessarily "an obligation" like prayers and fasting.
It seems that many are not aware of the Quranic basis for the duty to serve
human beings. There are scores of verses in the Quran that deal with the
necessity of social service: 107; 74:38-46; 90:12-18; 89:17-24; 92:5-10. Of
course the more prominent one is the short chapter Al Ma'oon in which Muslims
are Divinely mandated to attend to the social needs of others, not as a
philanthropic gesture, but as a prerequisite condition for faith (Iman) itself,
and a tangible acceptance of the Hereafter. In al Ma'oon 107:1-7, Allah says:
Although no one will deny that Zakat is a pillar of Islam, it is at best a fallen pillar of Islam whose recommended list of beneficiaries reads like a roster of social service priorities for Muslims.
Misperception #2: There is no tradition of Islamic social services
In most Muslim countries, the Masjids and Madrassas are the places where the
hungry and homeless have ready food and shelter. Masjids in America offer
neither. Muslims in America are not generally aware of the kinds of social
services Muslims in other countries operate. I will enumerate a few historic
institutions here.
The Waqf system is a common Islamic endowment system which has helped and continues to support millions of social service projects in the Muslim world. I remember in my own neighborhood, an orphanage (yateem khana) and several cold water fountains (sabeel) in a city where temperatures are hardly below 100 fahrenheit will bring thankful prayers to your lips. Free Musafirkhana (public guest house for travelers) also stood in my hometown, free for not only the travelers but also those who have no other place to go. The first formal public guest house was established in 17 Hijrah in Madinah, after which every city throughout the world of Islam has at least one before Khalifa Omar passed away. Until these independent public guest houses, the travelers used to stay in Masjids.
There are many examples of institutionalized human services which are found in the Muslim world. A wider knowledge of these institutions and their workings may encourage institutionalization of social services among Muslims. Historically, the Khanaqah in Central and South Asia, Zawiyah in North Africa, and Tekke in Turkey (an open for all house of Sufis) has been a common food and shelter spot. Lungers (soup kitchens) were found all over Muslim Asia. Some Lungers, like the one in Ajmir, are so huge that their Daig (cooking pots) are two stories high, feeding thousands of people on a daily basis. Daruz Zuafa (literally house for the weak which used to take care of the needs of the elderly) were still operational in Nizam's Hyderabad Deccan in India as late as the early seventies. One can still take a small note from any of the Nizam's children to find accommodation in free Ribats (big house) in Makkah and Madinah of Saudi Arabia until the late seventies which were established there by Nizam's endowments.
In Islam it is the legal right of a needy person or a traveler to be fed by the community. Most Masjids in the Muslim world stay open 24 hours a day seven days of week for this reason. It is this massive act of silent support which essentially took care of millions of Afghan refugees in Pakistan and Iran in the last twenty years, while only a fraction of these refugees were being taken care of by international refugee agencies.
Misperception #3: Zakat is only an individual duty
Most Muslims in America distribute their Zakat on an individual basis. Historically and Islamically that has never been the case. Giving Zakat is a personal obligation but its collection and distribution have always been a collective responsibility. This has enabled Muslims to help the less fortunate in an organized fashion and take up projects of a larger scale. By bypassing communal collection and distribution, Muslims are denying the community the duty of attending to its priorities in an organized fashion which has diminished our ability to undertake social service projects. Only a major campaign of reeducation can help Muslims reassert this fallen pillar of Islam.
Misperception #4: The real poor are not in America
Muslims in America have a dilemma: Since almost half of us were born in the Third World, we compare the face of poverty in America with the one "back home." Unfortunately, in our blind materialistic pursuit of the American Dream we find it hard to see that there is a great deal of poverty and homelessness right here in America. And so we send our money to our homes. While Islamic law asks for distribution of Zakat in the localities where it is collected from, the morality of "earning here" and "charity abroad" is denying the effective implementation of two of the designated Zakat categories, one being "helping prisoners" and the second "assisting new Muslims". While there is merit and logic in helping poor people in the Third World, many American poor and homeless are sadly living in similar conditions. Maybe an equitable distribution between our responsibility towards our neighbors and back home is a better option.
Misperception #5: Muslim family life is safe and sound
The divorce rate in America is one of the highest in the world (over 50 percent). But the divorce rate of Muslims in North America is almost as high, according to New York-based sociologist Ilyas Ba-Yunus. Many Muslims are simply not aware of the extent to which Muslim marriages are in trouble. In Chicago, most occupants of a shelter run by Hindus are Muslim women. Tremendous help is needed in marriage counseling, mediation, assistance in the case of abuse, foster parenting, and shelters. Untrained Imams are being forced into the role of family counselors. Although this is the only area of social services where need is forcing a bit of movement, a proper understanding of the magnitude of the problem may help Masjids allocate more funds in this direction.
Misperception #6: Islam is the fastest growing religion in the USA
I don't know who came up with this phrase. I have not seen any research paper about it. However, what I have seen is its obnoxious usage by the unwise. In fact, 70 percent of converts leave Islam within a few years as documented by Prof. Ilyas Ba Younus. Muslims are unaware that a majority of new Muslims end up leaving Islam because of a lack of support system in the Muslim community. Their study of Islam through books does not match the reality of our brotherhood and sisterhood. Not all, however, leave because of the absence of the support system. It is a complex phenomena with many other variables.
Misperception #7: Muslims cannot befriend non-Muslims
Interestingly, this is not a quote from the media, this is actually a street ideology paddled by some fringe groups in the community to the extent that it has caused true confusion among young and the new Muslims. The whole theory was invented to keep Muslims away from participation in the political system in North America. It relies on the incorrect translation of the term Wali in the Quran. Wali was a term at the time of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), whose modern-day equivalent is citizenship in the eyes of scholar Professor Muhammad Hamidullah. However, the literal translation of the word may mean friendship as well. Although in Islamic discourse it is a well-established principle that a term loses its literal meaning unless the context dictates it, the street ideologues had a field day with the term Wali, declaring that Muslims cannot befriend non-Muslims. The translators could not foresee the political usage of their translation. Because of this misunderstanding, many Muslims in America probably limit their social obligation towards Muslims only, although this behavior runs contrary to the example of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him). I have addressed the question theologically in a separate article.
There are Friday sermons which have been disrupted by the extremists among us when the Imam tried to encourage Muslims to participate in society as responsible citizens. Unfortunately, these voices of isolation have yet to learn from the Prophet of Mercy, may Allah's mercy and blessings be upon him, who lived and died while concerned for humanity.
Misperception #8: No talk of the brotherhood of human beings
We are so focused on our own victimization that we fail to see the pain of others. We are indeed victims of internal and external oppression. The largest number of refugees in the world are Muslims. Our blood flows from India to Palestine every day. However, a partial reason for our plight may be that instead of being servants of humanity, like the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) was, we became self-centered. Allah tells us in the Quran that He has created all of us with the same one father and one mother. He repeatedly calls all of us Bani Adam (family or children of Adam) in the Quran. If that does not create the brotherhood of humanity, what else will? Our emphasis on Muslim brotherhood hides the fact that the mission of this brotherhood is to serve humanity at large. Unless we personalize the pain of others so much that it shows through our words and deeds, we may not succeed in helping others learn how wronged we feel.
Muslim brotherhood is an integral part of the brotherhood of humanity, not some utopia outside humanity.
Misperception #9: Can Zakat be used for non-Muslims?
Many Muslims, including some leaders, are unclear as to whether Zakat and non-Zakat charity are to be used only to help other Muslims or to help anyone who is in need.
The Islamic position to assist all in need without discrimination is so obvious that it does not require any Fatwa. The Quran even challenges those who were opposing Islam at the time of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) to come forward with charity towards the needy. In Khalifa Omar's declared and implemented interpretation of the Quranic category of Zakat distribution, Faqir meant the poor of the Muslims, and Miskeen meant the poor of Christians and Jews. Later on, as Islam encountered other faith groups, he extended social benefits to them as well. May Allah be pleased with him.
However, at this age of decay in Islamic life somehow the concept of serving one's own has restrained some Muslims from using Zakat to serve all of humanity.
Misperception #10: Only a Muslim neighbor has a right on you
The concept of neighborly duties has also evaporated since most Muslims either limit the definition of neighbor to exclude non-Muslims or fall prey to the elevator culture by not noticing their neighbors.
Nowhere in the Quran and the Sunnah are the rights of neighbors limited to Muslims only. A neighbor is a neighbor. And the Islamic definition of neighbor is broader than the English language description as the following verse of the Quran states: "Do good to…the neighbor who is close by and to the neighbor who is a stranger, and the companion at your side, and to the traveler.." (4:36). This false understanding allows some practicing Muslims to not focus on fulfilling neighborly duties towards society, although this may be because of their irresponsibility rather than an assertion of this false notion.
The Need for Education:
These misperceptions must be shattered if we are to move our community forward and truly address its full contribution in the arena of social services. The first step in clarifying these misconceptions is education on a mass level amongst Muslims in North America. Below are some practical ways to do this:
There are existing resources available among Muslims which can become the starting point of these educational efforts. Sound Vision's website itself contains hundreds of pages worth of information on social service-related issues. The Islamic Social Services Association of the United States and Canada (ISSA) and a few seminars by the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA) have also generated some material which should be useful in clarifying some of these concepts.
The Muslim community in America is one which thinks dynamically. It cannot afford not to move towards building bridges of selfless service in the society we live in.
Muslim wife burned to death in Chicago: lessons for Muslims
Neighborhood windows rattled when the taxi cab exploded with Shahpara Sayeed in it, allegedly ignited by her angry husband on August 24, 2000.
The 33-year-old Chicago resident was trying to escape after reportedly being doused in gasoline by her husband, Mohammed Haroon, who then reportedly threw lit matches into the car.
By the time police officer William Clancy, who was in the area when he heard the horrific explosion, reached the scene of the crime, nothing but Shahpara's burned body and the remains of the cab were left.
She had immigrated to the US only a year before. Shahpara had come on a religious visa as an Islamic scholar. She had been married two years ago to Haroon, who also goes by the name Javaid, in Karachi, Pakistan. He had been working as a cab driver in Chicago, and is reported to have entered the US illegally. Both husband and wife were related to each other before marriage. He was reported to have paid $16,000 to get Shahpara's visa.
Accounts of the incident in local newspapers say that Sayeed and Haroon were arguing shortly before he allegedly doused her with gasoline then set the cab on fire. He was also slightly burned and ran away as his wife cried out for help, trying to escape the death trap she was in.
They were practicing Muslims
Based on what has been reported, it seems that both husband and wife were practicing Muslims conscious of maintaining an Islamic lifestyle.
They lived in an apartment complex with a Masjid in the basement; she wore Hijab and also covered her face; he was active in the local Tableeghi Jamaat and kept a beard.
They are reported to have had disputes over children, maybe over money
But their relationship was difficult. One problem, according to a report in a local Pakistani newspaper, was that they didn't have children. In fact, one account said the couple was seeking the help of someone who would give them a "Taweez" to help them have children shortly before Shahpara's death.
A Taweez is a type of Dua (supplication) a number of Muslims seek when trying to fulfill a need instead of directly praying to Allah as they are expected to.
Others who say they know the couple claim that money was involved. One relative says Shahpara had won a lottery and her husband was after it.
Shahpara's case will go on in the court system. The media will eventually forget about the incident but domestic violence will continue.
Four other women killed in Chicago in the same month
In a span of one month, four other women from areas neighboring Shahpara's were murdered, all of different religious and cultural backgrounds. They were white, African-American, Hispanic and Asian.
One of them was Violet Medina Marcial She was a mother of two allegedly stabbed by her husband at their home after an argument over her plan to divorce him. Her husband, Miguel Marcial has been charged with first-degree murder.
Another was Chicago police officer Brenda Sexton. Her boyfriend allegedly beat her to death with a bat in her home as her five children watched. Sexton's boyfriend Sam Lupo has been charged with first-degree murder.
Barbara Satchell was one month pregnant when she was stabbed multiple times at her home. Her 21-year-old son Julius Davis has been charged with first-degree murder and intentional homicide of an unborn child.
Katrina Herlihy, a 20-year-old student was shot near her home in an apparent robbery attempt.
All of these women were victims of the social disease of violence in our society Three of them, including Shahpara, allegedly by a husband or partner.
Some statistics on domestic violence
According to findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey (US Department of Justice) in November 1998, of the women who reported being raped and/or physically assaulted since the age of 18, three-quarters (76 percent) were victimized by a current or former husband, cohabitating partner, date or boyfriend.
The Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Violence Against Women (August 1995) notes that domestic violence is statistically consistent across racial and ethnic boundaries.
Female homicide victims are more than twice as likely to have been killed by an intimate partner than are male homicide victims (Bureau of Justice Statistics: Female Victims of Violent Crime, December 1996).
Muslims and domestic violence
Islam is not responsible for Shahpara's death. Nor is Christianity responsible for the deaths of the other women in Shahpara's area.
However, Muslim families are clearly not immune from domestic violence. We are just as susceptible to the problems of our society, no matter how much we isolate ourselves.
Shahpara and Haroon's living quarters are evidence of that: they lived in an apartment complex owned by Muslims, where there is a Masjid. Shahpara was killed within blocks of another Masjid.
Ironically, none of these Masjids have sermons in a language people can understand. None of them allow the full participation of women and if they are typical of other Masjids, they probably never had sermons on how to handle a marriage dispute, how to control one's anger and none of them offer any counseling services.
The culture of illegality
What makes cases like these even worse in the Muslim community, as has been the case of other new immigrant communities of the past like the Irish, Italians, Polish and Jews, is the ghetto culture of illegality that many live in.
In other words, when people are living in a country illegally, forging documents and faking identities, they are less likely to seek help for their problems from the right venues because they are clearly living in fear.
That means that couples who are having problems are not willing to contact social services for fear of being found out. The same principle applies to seeking medical help.
As well, when a specific community is found to have a number of individuals breaking the law, mainstream services like hospitals and social services are less likely to help them out and take their needs seriously.
Even worse, this culture of illegality doesn't just stop with forging a few proofs of identification. It becomes a way of life that extends to the business, the social and the family.
How can we claim to be honest Muslims when we are cheating, lying and involved in fraud? We are not only putting ourselves in danger in this world. We are seriously endangering our place in the hereafter.
What we need to learn from Shahpara's case
There are a number of lessons we can learn from these cases, especially Shahpara's:
1. Muslims need to pay more attention to the fields of counseling and social services so that they can help couples who are having difficulty. Perhaps if more Muslims were trained to give Islamic counseling or help in conflict management, and they were supported by the mosques, numerous women and children could be spared the misery and emotional turmoil of domestic violence.
2. Masjids should have sermons in English so most of the Muslims who attend can find more than just an Arabic Khutbah (sermon) they don't understand if they are non-Arabs. They will find instruction in Islamic teachings, including how we must treat our families, especially our women and children.
3. Sermons need to connect responsibility towards Allah with responsibility towards His creation. This must be emphasized because Allah does not forgive the sins we commit against humans unless our victims forgive us. We need to remind each other that a good Muslim is conscientious not just about his or her dress and prayers five times a day, but also about how s/he treats others, whether that is a spouse, children, or a stranger on the street.
4. Sermons should also emphasize that the Prophet Mohammed (peace and blessings be upon him) never hit his wives, and those who claim to follow the Sunnah and practice Islam must remember that the Sunnah is also in behavior, not just in prayers and dress.
5. Masjids and Muslim leadership must actively criticize and oppose domestic violence publicly. Silence is read as consent, not as objection. The Muslim leadership's silence on domestic violence is simply an indication to others that they are either indifferent to the problem or even worse, don't care. In the end, the negative image of Islam is made worse by our silence.
6. Individual Muslims should take part in organizations and activities educating and opposing violence. Not only wiill they develop skills and tools to deal with the problem within the community, but they can also teach non-Muslims that Islam does not tolerate violence against women.
7. Muslims should participate in learning skills of conflict management. This is something useful not just in situations of family conflict, but also in the context of the community. Disputes in the Masjid, for instance, can be easily resolved if sincere and skilled Muslims make an effort to resolve disputes properly.
8. We must start reeducating our children, families and communities about what it means to be a good Muslim. We must encourage praying five times a day, fasting and dressing Islamically as we already do. However, we need to start pointing out that Islam is also about developing a deep closeness to Allah and respect for and good behavior towards His creation.
9. Masjids need to discourage illegal behavior. Muslims should be the last people entering a country illegally and being involved in various kinds of fraud and deception. If Masjids, the primary Islamic institution, take a stand, perpetrators will at least have to think twice.
In Islam, a lie is a lie, a theft is a theft, a fraud is a fraud whether it is against a Muslim, non-Muslim, an organization or a government.
10. The Muslim leadership must not only work to discourage illegal behavior. They must also help the voiceless: those who are living illegally but are in need of social services and basic health care. They do have rights in the US. It is up to the leadership to do the two-pronged job of ridding the community of the culture of illegality while helping provide the needs of those who are too afraid to ask for them.
This report is based on a number of ethnic and local newspaper reports from Chicago, as well as interviews with individuals and officials involved in the case.
Social Work according to the Quran
by Shahina Siddiqui
"It is not righteousness that you turn your faces towards East or West; but it is righteousness to believe in Allah and the Last Day and the Angels and the Book and the Messengers; to spend of your substance out of love for Him, for your kin, for orphans, for the needy, for the wayfarer, for those who ask; and for the ransom of slaves; to be steadfast in prayers and practice regular charity; to fulfill the contracts which you made; and to be firm and patient in pain (or suffering) and adversity and throughout all periods of panic. Such are the people of truth, the God fearing"(Quran 2: 177).
The above verse is the concept of social work in Islam. It is however more than a philosophical concept but a practical draft that outlines the why, whom, and who of service delivery.
we believe form of worship incomplete without helping deeds
· Whom — categories of people and groups and issues related to be met
· Who — characteristics of workers
Analysis of the Quranic concept of social work
Why?
The question of why we should establish formal social services in our communities is explained in this verse.
Allah is advising us that our worship is incomplete without helping deeds. So after having believed in Allah, the angels, the Prophets, the Books and the Last Day we must translate our Iman (faith) our beliefs into actions of service to humankind.
In fact it is incumbent on believers to fulfill this duty of service to those who need their help. Each and every Muslim is to contribute to the welfare of society. Therefore by establishing social services within Muslim communities, every Muslim can indirectly participate through financial and moral support. When professionals administer social services with the support of the community at large. It would help all of us to fulfill our social responsibility as believers.
1. Duty — as a believer;
2. True righteousness;
3. Love of Allah
One Hadith states that Abu Hurairah related: The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: "Whosoever removes a worldly grief from a believer, Allah will remove from him one of the grieves on the Day of Judgment. Whosoever alleviates [the] lot of a destitute person, Allah will alleviate his lot in this world and the next. Whosoever conceals the faults of a Muslim, Allah will conceal his faults in this world and the next. Allah will aid a servant (of His) so long as the servant aids his brother."
Who?
The question of who is best qualified to carry out the duty of serving the community in the area of social services, is again outlined in this verse as one who believes in the Unity of Allah, the Last Day, the Angels, Books and Messengers of Allah. In other words, the verse emphasizes the significance of Iman and Mufassil as the defining characteristic of a Muslim — one who having believed totally completely and with understanding is then compelled by his belief to act upon them through service to humanity thus completing their faith.
Hadith: Humility and Courtesy are acts of piety. Modesty and chastity repasts of faith. Verily those who are patient in adversity and forgive wrongs are the doers of excellence. The best of alms is that which the right hand giveth and the left hand knoweth not.
For Whom?
The above verse also outlines broad categories that would include those towards whom these services should be directed. Let's briefly look at the categories.
Spend of your substance for:
1. Kin: This would be anyone related either by blood or marriage. This would be more of an individual responsibility. If however a person was unable to adequately meet the needs of his kin he could on their behalf seek help from the community-based social services.
2. Orphans: Technically this would apply to children whose fathers have died. In an Islamic society the orphans then become the responsibility of the state. New Muslims who lose their families because of conversion must also be included in this category. Orphans could also apply to children of dysfunctional families that are taken away be CFS. For all facts and purposes they are orphans. The spirit of Islamic charity would therefore dictate that we provide for these orphans by providing foster care, housing and material and spiritual needs consistently, professionally and compassionately.
3. Needy: This is a broad term and should be interpreted to mean any need. Therefore a family needing counseling to resolve a conflict or a couple in a marital crisis or an abused spouse should be included in the category as well as those who are in need of financial assistance. The situation could be of a temporary nature or long term. The Muslim community should be equipped with services that can address the needs of these people.
4. Wayfarer: the term usually used for a traveler or a transient, could also apply in present day to foreign students or workers who come to our communities on a temporary basis. Islamic social services should be prepared to serve this particular segment of our community.
5. Those Who Ask: Anyone who asks for help and is a genuine case must be helped.
We should not hold it against them. Therefore a formal mechanism must be in place in our communities where people can confidently apply for help.
6. Ransom of Slaves: Many could say that Islam eradicated slavery therefore this is a moot point. However if we were to look around us many of our Muslim brothers and sisters could qualify to apply for this category to be freed — e.g. — the landing fee that the Canadian government has put in place is putting extreme pressure on families that cannot reunite because they cannot afford to pay it.
I believe to help them would amount to paying ransom for slaves. The spirit is to free a human from bondage and oppression and exploitation. Therefore the ransom of slaves would in my humble opinion apply to all these categories.
How?
When we are asked how are we to achieve these objectives of Islamic social services the Quran once again gives us assistance by laying out the principle on which we not only base our social services but through which we achieve our goals. In short, these principles define a Muslim social worker and also empower and enable them to better serve their clients.
1. Steadfast in prayer: The one best equipped to help others is one who is steadfast in prayer. "Thee alone we worship, Thee alone we ask for help". In a Muslim community persons nominated for social work must posses this fundamental trait of a Muslim. If they are to be effective and productive it is also a reminder to those of us working in the field that we must be steadfast in prayer.
2. Regular Charity: This of course fosters a personality that is giving and develops a character that is empathetic to the needs of others. Communities where members give regular charity of all kinds both compulsory and voluntary benefit each other and feel responsible for each other.
3. Fulfill Contract: Muslims working in the field of social services must be trustworthy, honest, and conscientious of their duty to their clients. Services delivered cannot be haphazard or half-hearted. When we make a pledge we honor it when we make a promise we keep it and when we set ourselves up as helpers we fulfill that task to the best of our ability.
4. Patience in pain, suffering, adversity and panic: These are characteristics that are essential for Muslim social workers, counselors, Imams, and leaders. When people depend on us for support and rely on our counsel we cannot be hasty, impatient, or panic at first sign of difficulty. The task for Muslim workers in the area of social services is soul wrenching and requires a personality that is blessed with Taqwa (God consciousness) and Sabr (patience). However, the levels of Taqwa (God consciousness) may vary but it is an evolutionary process in which one can develop the personality of a Mutaqi (one who has God consciousness).
5. Truth: As the Prophet Muhammad stated: " A Muslim can not be a liar". Truth and honesty is the cornerstone of any public service. Lies stand in the way of trust without which a Muslim social worker or counselor is not viable. We must be honest in our dealings with our client and not use any underhanded ways. Truth is also a virtue that is admired universally and inspires respect, trust, and reliability.
6. God Fearing: One, who fears Allah and is always conscious of her duty to her Creator, will never harm or put in harms way those who are under their care. Sense of accountability and responsibility to Allah must be the core trait of a Muslim community worker. This keeps in check our egos and focuses on the objective that our service must gain the pleasure of Allah not the pleasure of making a name for us.
Sayings of Prophet Muhammad:
· What actions are most excellent? To gladden the heart of a human being, to feed the hungry, to help the afflicted, to lighten the sorrow of the sorrowful, and to remove the wrongs of the injured.
· He who tries to remove the want of his brother, whether he be successful or not, God will forgive his sins.
Wisdom for the Trials of Life
One of life’s most commonly asked questions is, "Why does God allow His children to go through difficult, trying, painful times in life?" We recognize that God is all-powerful and could prevent these trials if He chose to do so. Yet, He often does not. Therefore, there must be some purpose for them, some divine reason for not sparing us these hardships. Once we begin to understand God’s purpose for these things, we will be able to stand strong through any storm of life.
James 1:1-12 issues a serious challenge to every believer. The first thing we should notice is James’s assurance in verse 2 that all Christians will in fact face trials of many kinds. The author leaves no room for doubt; he alludes to "when you encounter various trials," which indicates the inevitability of such ordeals. Therefore, we should not ask how we can avoid trials–because we cannot–but rather we should ask God to show us how to deal with them when they appear.
The second thing we should notice in verse 2 is the seemingly ridiculous instruction to "count it all joy" whenever hardships assault our lives. This is a preposterous statement; trials and joy simply do not go together. Tears, discouragement, disillusionment, despair . . . these are the things that we associate with trials. But joy? James must have known that this would be a contradiction to our natural human reasoning; so, there must be an answer beyond what we perceive.
In James 1:5, in the midst of a discussion on trials, the author seems to change the subject mid-stream. He has just explained how trials produce spiritual endurance and maturity, and then he says, "But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God . . . and it will be given to him."
Rather than switching topics, James is actually making a consistent argument regarding trials. In order for us to be able to "count it all joy" in the face of trials, we must view the matter from God’s perspective. This is what wisdom does. Beyond simply understanding God’s reasoning, we also must actively apply that wisdom. When we do this, we become more able to evaluate people and circumstances and are thus better prepared to make sound decisions.
A primary function of wisdom is to help us discern the source of our trials. Discovering the source is very helpful in understanding God’s purpose in each hardship. Sometimes, our trials come from making wrong decisions ourselves. These occasions are tough realizations because these are times when we cannot blame the problem on anyone else.
A second source of trials is the persecution of others. As we strive to live in a godly manner, Satan will begin looking for new ways to attack us. One effective assault is through other people sent to hurt, mock, or distract us.
Another uncontrollable source is the simple fact that we live in a fallen world. There are earthquakes, floods, disease, suffering, war, and hardship in the world today that cannot be prevented.
A troublesome issue for many people is that, regardless of their specific source, God allows each and every trial that we encounter. Beyond that, He sometimes sends the trials Himself. This is why James instructs believers to ask God for wisdom in the midst of their hardship. Wisdom enables us to clearly see the source of the trial, and when we know the source, we are better prepared to evaluate, handle, and grow through the specific issue.
Once we understand the source, we need wisdom to enable us to discern the purpose for the trials. In this, wisdom helps us to question the heart of God by asking, "Lord, why have you allowed this? What would you have me learn through this?"
Some people are not comfortable with the idea of asking God "why?" I assure you, though, that you will not disturb God at all by asking Him any question you wish. The fact is we need to ask Him why certain trials happen, because we want to extract as much good from our suffering as possible.
First, God allows our trials in order to test our faith.
This is made perfectly clear in James 1:3, "Knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance." The word "testing" here means to be tested and found proven; that is, God is testing our faith in order to prove its strength.Unproven, untried faith is practically worthless. How do you know what you can face in life if your faith has not been tested? 1 Peter 1:6-7 explains this valuable aspect, "In this you greatly rejoice . . . you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith . . . may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."
The testing of our faith produces spiritual maturity, which leads to endurance. This enables us to withstand any assault, no matter what form the trials take. Being tested by God strengthens us so that we can face trial after trial and still endure.
Second, God allows our trials in order to test our devotion to Jesus Christ.
True devotion demands that we follow Jesus faithfully, regardless of our circumstances. Will you obey Him when you do not understand why bad things are happening? Will you obey Him when things are not going your way? These things are discovered during periods of trial and testing.Third, God allows trials in order to purify our lives.
Trials have a way of putting pressure on us in the most secret parts of our being, bringing hidden sins, bad habits, and areas of neglect to the surface. These things must be dealt with in order to become the mature Christians God wants us to be.Fourth, our trials give God an opportunity to demonstrate His sustaining power for His children in tough times.
This is an amazing testimony to unbelievers, who may witness you going through a horribly difficult situation while still maintaining the peace of the Holy Spirit.Fifth, a major purpose for our trials is to produce Christ-like character within us.
Our trials reveal to us that we cannot live the Christian life apart from Him. This means that the Christian life is not made up of different "good things" that we do, but is actually Jesus Christ living in and through each one of us. This requires our total surrender to His will, so that our reactions to stress, trial, and suffering are actually His reactions lived out through our lives.Finally, trials equip us for service in the kingdom of God for the sake of others.
Second Corinthians 1:4 makes this point clear, "[God] comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." Therefore, God is using our trials to make us more useful in helping others.By fully understanding and identifying with someone else’s pain, we will be able to reach out to them in a way in which someone else may be unprepared for. The key to this type of service is simply knowing first hand what the other person is going through. If we have been through it ourselves, we will have an intimate understanding of what the hurting individual needs.
As we have seen, wisdom’s true value comes in its application. With that in mind, take a moment to review ten ways that a right understanding of God’s purposes for trials might lead us to the right response.
If you are a child of God, you have the means by which to stand firm in the face of any trial. Trust that God has a reason for your sufferings, and submit yourself to whatever He desires to teach you. The road may be rocky, but a wise response will lead you into the joy He has promised.
ooo
Anger and Dejection - An Islamic Perspective
When God created human beings, He created many emotions and desires within
him, which we call human instincts. These include positive qualities such as
recognizing truth and expressing it, love and compassion, pure physiological
desires such as being thirsty , hungry and in need of sex.
Then there are some negative qualities such as hate and anger, with resultant
violence and dejection. The angels who were the witnesses to Adam's creation
knew about some of the negative qualities of man and questioned the creation of
this new being who was to create "'mischief on earth." (Quran 2:30)
However, at the same time, the Creator also instilled some protective mechanisms
for fighting these negative instincts.
"Man was created weak," says the Quran. During the moment of weakness, we
succumb to the designs of our enemy, that is, the devil, who "will attack us
from front, from behind, from the side," in order to divert us from God
consciousness and return to our true animistic nature. Thus anger by itself is
not unnatural; it is the expression of anger which if done wrongfully, can lead
to problems. The difference between the wild beasts and wild humans is the
difference of free will.
When a lion or a wolf is angry, he does not think. When a man becomes angry as a
result of provocation, he has a choice to control his anger or to respond to it
as he has been taught by the teachings of prophets and saints, or forget all
that and become a wild animal. Thus anger takes place when we are not in control
of ourselves, but the devil is controlling us.
Anger is a de stabilizing thought. It is the most dividing emotion between
friends; it takes away judgment, leads to depression, madness and wrong actions
that we would repent later on when we are not angry. But why do we get angry to
begin with? It is either an unexpected provocation or unexpected situation which
leads to frustration and an angry response.
During anger, one can physically or verbally abuse a person that he or she
loves, hurt another living being like an animal, or during the dejection phase
of anger, one can even hurt him- or herself and even commit suicide.
When anger is directed toward a group of people, then it can manifest in
terrorism, whether against people of other faiths or nations, or against even
one's own government as is seen in the case of the Oklahoma City bombing.
However, all anger is not of satanic origin. How can we blame Satan for a child
who is angry because he does not get his toy or when he is hungry ?
The point I am making is that the natural fulfillment of normal desires, whether
in terms of food or sex, is a prerequisite for prevention of anger. There are
many chemicals and hormones which affect our moods and behavior. It is well
known that hypoglycemia and hyperthyroidism precipitate irritability and anger.
We must keep our hormones in balance in addition to facilitate our spiritual
well-being.
Prophet Mohammed (Pbuh), who was sent to mankind to teach them good moral
conduct, learned to control his anger toward the Unbelievers and teach them
appropriate expressions. He constantly spoke against being angry. One companion
asked him, Give me some short advice by virtue of which I hope for good in the
life hereafter, and he said, "Don't be angry." Another person asked, what will
save me from the wrath of God, and he said, "Do not express your anger." A third
person asked three times, 0 Prophet of God, give me an order to do a short good
deed, and he said, "Don't be angry." Once he asked a question of his companion,
"Who among you do you consider a strong man?" They said, the one who can defeat
so-and-so wrestler in a fight, and he said, that is not so. The one who is
strong is the one who can control himself at the time of anger. He also said
that anger is like fire, which destroys you from within, and it can also lead
you to the fire of hell by your own expressions of anger unjustly.
Being angry is like being drunk. In both cases, we do not know what we are
doing, hurting ourselves or someone else, and afterwards when the intoxication
is over, we repent. Caliph Omar used to say, the one with all its goodn anger
gets salvation. Shiekh Hassan Basri said that one of the signs of the Believers
is that his anger will not prevail over him.
Anger should be distinguished between the natural response to wrongdoing and
disbelief.
A person who has no feelings about oppression, wrongdoing and disbelief is, in
fact, an impotent person emotionally. It has been said, "Evil flourishes when a
few good people do not do anything to oppose it." Thus response to injustice and
operation in a civilized way is the appropriate expression of anger. Being
neutral to injustice is equal to contributing to injustice. Sometimes taking
arms in order to fight the oppression and injustice, in defense or in off is the
basis of "the just war." However, this "just war" is not justified on a personal
level.
Caliph Ali was once fighting in a war imposed on Muslims, and the chief of the
Unbelievers confronted him. During the fight, the Ali was able to overcome him,
who fell down on the ground and Ali was about to kill him. This person, knowing
his fate now, had no choice so he spit on the face of Ali. Ali immediately got
up and left him alone. The man came running to him and asked, "You had a chance
to kill me since I was defeated; how come you didn't use your sword?" Ali said,
"I have no personal animosity toward you. I was fighting you because of your
disbelief, on behalf of God. If I had killed you after you spat on my face, then
it would have become my personal revenge which I do not wish to take." That
Unbeliever chief became a Muslim immediately.
When Prophet Mohammed (Pbuh) became angry at someone else's wrong actions or
disbeliefs, he never expressed it with his hand or tongue. His companions knew
that he was angry by looking at his face, which would be red and with some sweat
on his forehead, and he would keep quiet for a moment, trying to control
himself.
What happens to us physiologically when we are angry? Our heart rate and blood
pressure go up; this is a direct effect of excessive adrenalin in our system.
Our physical strength increases although spiritual strength decreases. Our
intellect or power to reason goes away, and things we would not justify in a
normal state become acceptable. The organs of our body which are otherwise under
our control, become out of control. Thus, our tongues become abusive, and we
would say words which would hurt someone else. Our hands are out of control, and
we will hit someone or sometimes ourselves. Our feet are out of control, and we
might kick some one whether a human, an animal or sometimes a broken machine.
How do we control anger? Contrary to other teaching, I believe that to root out
anger is impossible and unnatural, and may even be harmful. A person who does
not control or redirect the expression of anger may have built up anger within
himself, which may hurt him physically. Apart from being depressed and having a
feeling of dejection, during the phase of unexpressed anger, his constant, rapid
heart rate and high blood pressure may harm his heart and even lead to a heart
attack over the long run. Apart from being violent, during the phase of anger
since his mind does not work, he may make a wrong decision about his job or
personal relationship which will affect his future.
Medicine for Anger
The first preventive medicine is to avoid being too sensitive to provocation and
become "deaf, dumb and mute." It may be necessary for some people to engage in
something else to divert themselves. For saints, it may be advisable to engage
in remembrance of God or meditation, but for common folk, they need some worldly
tools. A couple went to Prophet Mohammed and said, We have been fighting each
other for many years. Each time she says something to hurt my feelings, I become
angry, and then I fight back and this fight comes to such a degree that I am
afraid that this verbal fight may,become physical, or we may end up divorced. So
please advise how we can control our anger. He told the husband that when your
wife provokes you and makes you angry, take a sip of your water in your mouth
and do not swallow it or spit it out, but keep it there until she has calmed
down. Well, he practiced that and a few months later, he reported back that it
did work.
Since we believe that anger is an expression of satanic control, we must not let
this control take over. The Prophet had advised us to say, "During anger, I seek
refuge from lead to problemrotection of God." He also advised us that when
angry, one should sit down or lie down as it is not easy to hit someone else in
those positions. Obviously, the best remedy is to think about God and "ask
yourself a question, "are you in control of yourself, or would you allow God to
take control of you?" Think of God's anger and punishment. Is God's wrath less
than your wrath? And what happens when He expresses His wrath? We humans who
seek forgiveness from God must forgive others first. When one forgive someone
else, it establishes peace and tranquility in one's heart, but at the same time,
the matter of injustice or wrong actions which made one angry, become a dispute
between him and God; and if one do not take revenge and forgive, God might act
on ones behalf.
The first attribute of God/Allah that we Muslims are reminded (of) is Ar
Rahman-Ar Rahim that is, Kind and Merciful. God Himself said, my mercy overtakes
my wrath, and He told in one of the hadith qudsi , 'O son of Adam, when you get
angry, remember Me." Thus, remembrance of God and meditation will keep us on the
right track. One of the meditation words is ya Halim, which is one of the
attributes of God, being the Mild One. One can also pray to God to take control
of the situation and the person or the people who have caused His anger. We must
also think that tone life so dear to us, is a temporary life, and we must not
forget our death and destroy the life of eternity at the cost of this life.
Washing one's face with cold water or taking a cold shower is also helpful.
Thus it is important for one to redirect the energy in engaging in something
else. However, the height of sainthood is to do the opposite of the provoking
person expects one to do. If he expects you to rebuke him or verbally abuse him
back, then one should tell him, I love you, and mention his good qualities. If
he expects one to physically attack him, then one embraces him and forgives him.
That is how the saying, "turn the other cheek" came about. One will become a
calm person when he makes peace with himself, his Creator and his surroundings.
Anger is a costly weed; it costs one his health, life in this world, and the
life in the Hereafter. This weed must be rooted out to allow the healthy plant
of righteousness, piety and service to God and His creation nurture and grow.
Dejection
Dejection is a state of sad thought, depression and a feeling of being
worthless. This could be a result of anger with self or someone else,
unexpressed anger, failure and frustration. Dejection is a deadly disease which
can harm the body acutely or on a chronic basis. and can irreversibly destroy
one's relationships. It is during this state of dejection that people have
suicidal thoughts and sometimes actions. During anger, however, a person tries
to manifest his verbal and physical strengthening dejection, he completely gives
up, thinking he is no good. Dejection slowly builds up while anger is a more
acute manifestation, which is like a moth which slowly eats away the human
spirit and body.
Dejection can be the result of losses, financial or of a dear one, or even
failure in work, education and business. Many times terminally ill patients,
without any hope of getting better, would also be dejected. Sometimes dejection
or depression is due to a chemical imbalance just like anger, whether it is a
psychotropic condition with depletion of brain amines, epinephrine,
norepinephrine and dopamine, or hormonal imbalance like hypothyroidism and
Addison's disease. Therefore, in all cases of depression, when a physician sees
them, he does and he must evaluate them for a treatable organic cause.
The way to fight dejection again is a mind-control phenomenon. We must realize
that we are not in control of our destiny. Certain failures and adversity have
been designed to teach us certain lessons. We must know that someone else is in
control of our past, present and future. This is what believer in God is what
Caliph Ali once said, that "what makes me a believer in God is the fact that I
realize that after doing everything humanly possible to make certain things go
right, it goes wrong unexpectedly, making me believe that someone else was in
control of that situation, not me."
When we give good advice to our teenaged children, encouraging them to do good
and avoiding something wrong and they don't listen, as a result they get into
trouble. It is human to be sad, but it is unnecessary to be dejected, thinking
that I am not a good parent. We will be questioned for things we can do that we
must do, but we will not be questioned on things that are beyond our control.
The remedy for dejection is hope. God made hopelessness unlawful by saying, "Do
not despair of God's mercy." Thus, no matter at what level of despair,
depression and frustration we are, whether loss of a loved one or a job, or as
the result of anger from someone else, we must not give up hope as there is a
ray of hope at the end of the tunnel. The greatest hope is mercy from God.
Thus, whoever has lost worldly possessions, expects and hopes that God will
replace his losses in a better way. The.he person who has lost a dear one hopes
to see that dear one in the life hereafter.
Hope is the medicine which keeps one alive and going, which is when we say, hang
on, we mean hang onto the thread of hope. It is not unnatural to be sad over
situations and events. Even Prophet Mohammed (Pbuh) used to be sad, looking at
the plight of Unbelievers and their rejection of his message for oneness of God,
and not becoming Muslims. And God reminded him by saying, "It is not your duty
to make them Muslims, but just proclaim the truth, and God gives guidance to
those whom He wishes."
During dejection, there is darkness, but in hope, there is light. Therefore, one
must pray for this light to illuminate the heart so that we can see beyond what
is causing the suffering today. If I knew that I would not see tomorrow, I might
get depressed, but the fact that I hope I will see tomorrow with all its
goodness, the love of my family, my friends, dear ones, the flowers, the music,
that I go to sleep in peace, turning myself to God. We must pray for God's mercy
and forgiveness so that we can love and forgive ourselves and God's other
creations and have peace with ourselves, our Creator and our surroundings.
We Muslims believe that all our suffering, failures and adversities are nothing
but a test from God, who has said that "You will not enter Paradise until you
are tested. " He has also said, "Be sure we will test you with something of fear
and hunger, a small loss in wealth and lives and the fruits (of your labors),
but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere, when afflicted with
calamities, to God we belong and to Him shall we return."' (Chapter 2:15,
5-157).
Controlling Anger -- Before It Controls You
We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage.
Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. This brochure is meant to help you understand and control anger.
What is Anger?
The Nature of Anger
Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.
Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.
Expressing Anger
The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.
On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.
Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.
As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone—or something—is going to get hurt."
Anger Management
The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.
Are You Too Angry?
There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.
Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others?
According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.
People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.
What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.
Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.
Is It Good To "Let it All Hang Out?"
Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that "letting it rip" with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation.
It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.
Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay
Relaxation
Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
Some simple steps you can try:
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.
Cognitive Restructuring
Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."
Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.
Problem Solving
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.
Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.
Better Communication
Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.
It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.
Using Humor
"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.
The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!
When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.
What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.
Changing Your Environment
Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap.
Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.
Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself
Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.
Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.
Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.
Do You Need Counseling?
If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.
When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to "put you in touch with your feelings and express them"—that may be precisely what your problem is. With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used.
What About Assertiveness Training?
It's true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don't feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn't something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.
Remember, you can't eliminate anger—and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run.
Do not be Weak nor Sad
by Imâm al-Haramain 'Abdul-Bârî ibn ‘Awad ath-Thubaytî
Do not be Weak nor Sad Shaykh Abdul Bâree Ath Thubaytee [(Safar 05, 1425 (March 26, 2004)] All praise is due to Allâh, Lord of all the worlds. Peace and blessings be upon the Messenger, his household and companions.
Fellow Muslims! Tribulations that are facing the Ummah today are serious. These tribulations defy all deions. Our present situation is full of massacres that need no more explanation.
The more this cycle of tribulation widens the more the Muslims, worldwide, feel the pain. The killings, expulsions and violation of sacred places that the Muslims suffer are really saddening. This is in addition to the weakness that has become the bane of the Ummah.
Dear brethren! There is no benefit in relaying our sufferings and deepening our sorrows, for doing so only leads to despair, self-annihilation and lack of action.
In times of calamity, the Ummah is in need of speeches that rekindle hope, spur ambitions and reduce the bitterness of the calamity. In times of trials, verses of consolation were revealed to Allh's Messenger in order to alleviate the pains of the tribulations. Allh says for instance,
| "So let not their speech, then, grieve you (O Muhammad)." (Yâsîn 36:76) |
Allh also says,
| "Perhaps, you, would kill yourself (O Muhammad (peace be upon him)) in grief, over their footsteps (for their turning away from you), because they believe not in this narration (the Qur'ân)." (Al-Kahf 18:6) |
He also says,
| "O Messenger (Muhammad)! Let not those who hurry to fall into disbelief grieve you." (Al-Mâidah 5:41) |
Khabb ibn Al-Aratt came to Allh's Messenger complaining about the severity of persecution saying:
"Won't you supplicate for us? Won't you invoke Allâh to give us victory?" The Messenger of Allh would then take him from a world of hardship and persecution to that of great victory saying,| "By Allâh, this religion shall prevail so much so that a riding traveler will march from San'â' to Hadramawt[1] fearing nothing but Allâh or a wolf over his flock of sheep. It is only that you are in hurry." (Al-Bukhârî) |
Dear brethren! Weeping and wailing does not help the matter nor does it correct the situation. Tears should be transformed to practical reflection over the situation of the Ummah. Attempts should be made to reform the souls, nurture ourselves upon خmn and perform constructive actions to help the cause of Islm. It is then that that the tears that we shed could be meaningful.
Brethren in faith! No one bothers about a sick nation. It actually deserves no respect. But the living nation with its illustrious men commands the respect of others. It is because of this that the enemy tries to uproot it and deal with it with injustice and cruelty.
The living nation turns defeat to victory and sorrow to hope so that its children will not be drowned in moaning and pains. This is evident in the command of Allh's Messenger to his companions in the battle of Uhud when the archers forgot his command. The Prophet did not allow them to become captives of their momentary pain and defeat. He rather encouraged them to pursue the enemy until their sense of loss and helplessness was turned to that of victory.
The greatest defeat is psychological breakdown and weakness of resolution. As for the defeat in the field of physical war, that is the law of human nature. It comes in turns. The ultimate decision on this belongs to Allh alone, though the good ending is usually for the pious. Allh says,
| "Verily, Allâh will help those who help His (Cause)." (Al-Hajj 22:40) |
Allh also says,
| "Verily, We will indeed make victorious Our Messengers and those who believe (in the Oneness of Allâh - Islâmic Monotheism) in this world's life and on the Day when the witnesses will stand forth, (i.e. Day of Resurrection)." (Ghâfir 40:51) |
Ash-Shfi' was asked as to which is better: to give a man power or to put him to trial. He answered,
"It is not possible for man to have power if he has not been put to trial." Ibn Al-Qayyim said, "I heard Shaykul-Islm Ibn Taymiyyah say: "It is through patience and certainty of faith that leadership in religion is attained."He then recited to him Allh's saying,| "And We made from among them (Children of Israel), leaders, giving guidance under Our Command, when they were patient and used to believe with certainty in Our Ayât (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.)." (As-Sajdah 32:24) |
Waraqah ibn Nawfal told Allh's Messenger,
"I wish I were young and could live up to the time when your people would turn you out." Allah's Apostle asked, "Will they drive me out?"Waraqah replied in the affirmative and said, "Anyone (man) who came with something similar to what you have brought was treated with hostility; and if I should remain alive till the day when you will be turned out then I would support you strongly." (Al-Bukhr)Brethren in faith! The companions of Allh's Messenger have made great sacrifices and have made excellent and noble examples of steadfastness upon the truth. Their unique actions stunned human intelligence, and evil planning of the enemy had never swayed them from conveying the message of their Lord. They believed in the message, loved it and made covenant with Allh upon it.
During sanction days in the mountain of Ab Tlib, the companions would meet people in hajj season and convey the message of Islm to them. Their pains and persecutions would not prevent them from conveying the message. They rather increased in faith, resoluteness and certainty. Allh says,
| "So do not become weak (against your enemy), nor be sad, and you will be superior (in victory) if you are indeed (true) believers." (آl 'Imrân 3:139) |
No doubt, these difficulties that the Muslims are facing today will produce nothing but a viable and strong generation that will be able to sacrifice whatever they have in possession for the cause of Islm. As for the generation of humiliation and ignominy, theirs is defeat and disgrace. When the children of Israel refused to enter the holy land, they told Moses,
| "So go you and your Lord and fight you two, we are sitting right here." (Al-Mâidah 5:24) |
It is because of this that Allh condemned them to wilderness in the desert for forty years.
Difficulties and afflictions should bring out the nation's hidden energies. It should incite its resoluteness and awaken it from slumber.
The nation of Islm has produced men who are as gigantic as mountains in sciences and heroic achievements. Allh has guided many generations through these men.
Brethren in Islm! It is never known whether the earlier or later generations of this Ummah, is the best. Just as the rain produces plants, thus does our Ummah produce lions in each generation. Our Ummah is the nation that produced lofty figures like Khlid Ibn Al-Wald, Al-Muthann, Ibn Ab Waqqs and later, Salhuddn. The nation of Islm is a fertile and procreating nation. Whenever a hero is lost, he is replaced by heroes who raise the banners of the truth till eternity.
The Conqueror of Al-Quds, 'Umar Ibn Al-Khattb was assassinated; 'Uthmn Ibn 'Affn who conquered many lands for Islm was also murdered unjustly and cruelly; and 'Al Ibn Ab Tlib was killed. Many heroes have died after them. But their blood was not shed in vain; each drop of their blood rather leads the Ummah to victory after victory. Allh says,
| "As for those who are killed in the Way of Allâh, He will never let their deeds be lost. He will guide them and set right their stat;and admit them to Paradise which He has made known to them (i.e. they will know their places in Paradise better than they used to know their homes in the world)." (Muhammad 47:4-6) |
The Messenger of Allh tells the story of a young boy who was crucified on a tree by the tyrant of his time, so that his call to the truth would die with his death and people would be prevented from been influenced by him. But the tyrant was utterly dissapointed. When this youngster was crucified people proclaimed in one voice: "We believe in the Lord of this youngster." The boy sacrificed his life so that the call to the way of Allh would live in people's minds. His soul was insignificant to him because of his religion and principle. He, as a result, attained a profit in which there is no loss and a life that is immortal.
The boy preferred death to life so that the religion of Allh could be prevalent. It is, therefore, not necessary that victory should always be in the military context.
Dear brethren! In the light of events that we witness and those that we hear, it is clear to us that truth eventually defeats falsehood; and that huge military might is, in the long run, brought to naught in the face of weaker opponents. It is faith that eventually defeats material power in spite of its multitude. Allh says,
| "How often a small group overcame a mighty host by Allâh's Leave?" And Allâh is with the patient." (Al-Baqarah 2:249) |
This verse is a directive from Allh, the Almighty affirming the victory of a small group over a large one, for those who believe in Allh, rely on Him and make us of the causes of victory.
The small group attained victory in the Battle of Badr and this victory became the beginning of series of victories for Islm during the time of Allh's Messenger and the times of his rightful guided successors and those who followed them.
In our contemporary time, the Palestinian people who are armless are seriously suffering under the might of an army that possesses all kinds of modern weapons including nuclear and biological ones. What a heroism that you demonstrated, O you stone throwing children! What a great sacrifice that you are making, O mothers of stone throwing children! Is it not strange enough that weapons, rockets and bombs are massively and shamelessly employed to attack a boy, who possesses nothing as weapon beyond stones, or to kill an old woman who has no arms except raising her hands to Allh in invocation, or to treacherously murder a quadriplegic old man? It is really a heinous crime meant to hurt the feelings of millions of Muslims.
The blown-apart body of this man, as seen in his crumbled chair while he was on his way from worship, is a clear indication of treachery of the highest type. This quadriplegic man was and shall remain a shinning star in the life of the Muslims. His cold-blooded murder in the hands of the enemy will inspire nothing in the minds of his brethren in faith but sense of sacrifice and honour.
The Shaykh was just a crippled body in his chair, but in the throat of the enemy he was a thorn. His unique will, in spite of his old age and disability, is like a soaring mountain that shakes the earth under the feet of oppressors. He humiliated the arrogant enemy. His silence was a statement and his tongue was like a sword.
He was physically feeble but strong in resoluteness. He aimed high and never inclined to this world. He has never succumbed to disgrace and ignominy and he never asked for fame. He was great in his steadfastness. He has written a history as radiant as his face, and as beautiful as his smile.
Brethren in faith! Assassination of great men affords them the martyrdom that always has been their goal. No doubt, the blood of the Muslims that is shed on the holy land shall irrigate that land to enable it produce warriors for Islm. It shall increase the people of the truth in strength and sense of sacrifice and it shall cast horror in the hearts of the oppressors and cause to die hundred times in a single day out of extreme fear.
Certainly, the murder of this quadriplegic Shaykh will rekindle the love for honourable death in the hearts of principled people who are never weakened by the death of a leader until they achieved victory by Allh's permission. "Let those who used to worship Muhammad know that Muhammad is now death and let those who worship Allh know that Allh is Ever-Living and He never dies." (Al-Bukhr)
When the time of death of great men comes, they die like other people and their memory is buried with them. It might be that, great men die honourably so that their death can stir up feelings of the Muslims, impress in their hearts meanings of high-mindedness and remind them of the most important issues. Every drop of martyr's blood breeds a lofty mind that neither surrenders nor accepts humiliation. Every drop of a martyr's blood makes their life an everlasting lesson in sacrifice.
However, the enemy does not read history and if they read it they do not understand it. Reading the history of this Ummah will reveal to the reader that this Ummah is like the pleasant and blessed tree whose root is firmly fixed in the earth and its branches are high in the sky. Winds cannot shake it and whenever a branch thereof is cut, it becomes stronger and firmer.
The Palestinian people are an example for the contemporary generation of this Ummah that the Muslim's honour can never be crushed and that weapons can destroy anything but the Muslim's lofty mind. The stone has effectively achieved what riffles failed to achieve. The stone has removed the screen of fear that has shadowed the hearts of most people. The stone has broken the jinx of the undefeatable soldier. Allh says,
| "They fight not against you even together, except in fortified townships, or from behind walls." (Al-Hashr 59:14) |
Yes, the stone was able to achieve this feat because; it is carried by a boy whose heart is active in the light of belief in the Hereafter. The stone has broken the screen of humiliation and salvaged the souls from fear of death. Allh says about the base souls that fear death and prefer the life of this world,
| "And verily, you will find them (the Jews) the greediest of mankind for life." (Al-Baqarah 2:96) |
Certainly, the stone has broken the screen of humiliation and salvaged the souls from fear of death and made them high and lofty. Allh says,
| "And (remember) when Allâh promised you (Muslims) one of the two parties (of the enemy i.e. either the army or the caravan) that it should be yours; you wished that the one not armed (the caravan) should be yours." (Al-Anfâl 8:7) |
Dear Muslims! It is in the land of Palestine that the transgressors committed all excesses. They oppressed and caused much mischief. They killed people and destroy crops. The killed innocent people and butchered children and women. They forcefully seized the land from its rightful owners and erected a partition wall. Why then has the modern world that claim to be civilized failed to rein in the transgressors and prevent them from committing further carnage? Where are the agreements and pacts? Where are the callers to peace and its advocates? Indeed, whenever transgression becomes widespread and injustice becomes the order of the day, the perpetrators are driven to no where but perdition, while they know not. Allh says,
| "So, when they forgot (the warning) with which they had been reminded, We opened for them the gates of every (pleasant) thing, until in the midst of their enjoyment in that which they were given, all of a sudden, We took them to punishment, and lo! They were plunged into destruction with deep regrets and sorrows." (Al-An'âm 6:44) |
Cruelty, arrogance and audacious oppression that the nation of Islm suffers should elevate the Ummah to the proper understanding of the events. The Ummah should cast away the causes of defeat and weakness. The issue of Palestine should, therefore, be the concern of every male and female Muslim
Man cannot do without patience
At any given moment, a person is in a situation where he has to obey a command of Allâh, or he has to stay away from something which Allâh has prohibited, or he has to accept a decree of Allâh, or he has to give thanks (show gratitude) for a blessing which he has received from Allâh. All of these situations demand patience, so up until the time of death, no-one can do without patience. Whatever happens to us in life is either in accordance with our wishes and desires, or against them. In both cases, patience is required.
If a person enjoys good health, security, power, wealth and fulfillment of his physical desires, he should not assume that this time of ease will last forever, and he should not let his good fortune make him arrogant, extravagant or careless in a way that Allâh does not like. He should not devote all his time, money and energy to the pursuit of physical pleasure, because too much pleasure results pain. He should take care to pay what is due to Allâh in the way of zakât and sadaqah, otherwise Allâh might take away His blessing. He should also abstain from spending money in a harâm way, and be careful to avoid spending it in a makrűh way. All of this takes patience, and nobody can exercise patience at a time of ease except people of very strong faith (as-siddiqűn).
Patience at the time of adversity is easier than at the time of ease
One of the salaf said: "Believers and unbelievers alike may have patience at a time of adversity, but only people of strong faith can have patience at a time of ease." Therefore Allâh warned against the fitnah of wealth, wives and children: "O you who believe! Let not your riches or your children divert you from the remembrance of Allâh. If any act thus, the loss is their own." (al-Munâfiqűn 63:9) "O you who believe! Truly, among your wives and your children are (some that are) enemies to yourselves: so beware of them!" (at-Taghâbűn 64:14) The enmity referred to in these âyât is not that which results from hatred and conflict, but that which results from love and care, that might prevent parents from religious duties such as hijrah, jihâd, seeking knowledge and giving sadaqah.
At-Tirmidhî narrated from Ibn ‘Abbas that a man asked him (Ibn ‘Abbas) about the ayah quoted above (at-Taghâbűn 64:14). Ibn ‘Abbas told him that this ayah refers to some men of Makkah who embraced Islâm, but when they wanted to migrate to join the Prophet (SAAS) in Madînah, their wives and children prevented them from doing so. Later on, when they eventually joined the Prophet (SAAS) and saw that others had already learned a great deal about Islâm, they wanted to punish their wives and children. So Allâh revealed this ayah: "O you who believe! Truly, among your wives and your children are (some that are) enemies to yourselves: so beware of them!" (at-Taghâbűn 64:14). At-Tirmidhî said that this report is hasan sahîh.
The hadîth, "Children are the cause of cowardliness and stinginess" reflects how much a man may be held back in his pursuit of perfection and success by his wife and children. Once, when the Prophet (SAAS) was delivering a khutbah, he saw Hasan and Husayn walking and stumbling, so he interrupted his speech and went to pick them up, and said: "Indeed, Allâh has spoken the truth when He said: ‘…among your wives and your children are (some that are) enemies to yourselves.’ I saw these two little boys stumbling and I did not have the patience to continue my khutbah, so I stopped and picked them up." The Prophet (SAAS) did so because of his love for children, and in this way he set an example for his Ummah to show mercy and kindness towards children.
The reason why it is so difficult to exercise patience at a time of ease is because we have a choice regarding how to behave. A hungry person has better patience when he has no access to food, and when food becomes available, his patience weakens. Similarly, it is easier to control one’s sexual desire when no women are around.
Patience in worship
We human beings have a natural aversion to carrying out acts of worship, like salâh, because of our inherent laziness. If a man is hardhearted and commits many wrong actions, thinking too much of physical pleasure and mixing with people who do not remember Allâh, then he can hardly perform his prayers, and if he does not pray he does so absent-mindedly and hurriedly.
Every step of the way, man needs patience in carrying out an act of worship. Before he starts to do it, he must make sure that his intentions are correct. He should check his sincerity, and seek to avoid showing off in performing any act of worship. Whilst he is performing any act of worship, he must try to perfect it, to keep his intentions pure and his mind focused on the purpose of performing that act of worship, namely that it is to please Allâh. After completing an act of worship, he must abstain from doing anything that could corrupt his worship. Allâh has told us: "O you who believe! Cancel not your charity by reminders of your generosity or injury" (al-Baqarah 2:264). He should exercise patience in refraining from admitting and feeling proud of his performance, as this is more damaging than committing many other, more visible, wrong actions. Similarly, he should always be discreet and refrain from telling others about his acts of worship.
Patience in abstaining from committing wrong actions
The best way to help oneself abstain from wrong action is to break all bad habits, and forsake all those who encourage one to commit wrong actions. Habits have a strong hold over man’s behaviour, and if habit is accompanied by desires, this means that there are two soldiers of Shaytân fighting the motives of reason and religion, which cannot then withstand them.
Patience in adversity and in situations beyond man’s control
Trials such as the death of a beloved one, sickness, loss of wealth, etc., fall into two types: adversity beyond one’s control, and adversity caused by the actions of another human being, such as slander, beating, etc.
In facing situations that are beyond one’s control, people may have any of the following reactions:
1. feeling helpless and discontented, panicking and
complaining.
2. responding with patience, either for the sake of Allâh or as a sign of human
strength.
3. accepting and being contented with the situation. This is actually of a
higher status than patience.
4. accepting the situation with thanks and gratitude. This is even higher than
acceptance, because in this case a person see the adversity as a blessing and
thanks Allâh for putting him through it.
Problems and adversity that befall a person at the hands of others may be faced with any of the following reactions:
1. he may choose to forgive and forget.
2. he may decide not to take revenge.
3. he may accept the decree (qadâ’ wa qadr), whilst recognizing that the
person who harmed him was a wrongdoer, yet the One Who decreed that this harm
should reach him at the hands of the wrongdoer is not a wrongdoer. The harm
caused by people is like heat and cold: there is no way to prevent it happening
and the one who complains about heat and cold betrays a lack of wisdom.
Everything that happens, happens through the decree (qadâ’ wa qadr), even
though there are many different ways and means for it to happen.
4. he may treat well the person who mistreated him. This attitude has many
advantages and benefits, which nobody can know in their entirety except Allâh.
Patience in situations which are started by choice, but whose consequences get out of hand
For example, love, the start of which may be by choice but the final consequences of which are beyond a person’s control. Similarly, one may expose oneself to the causes of illness and pain (for example, by smoking or taking drugs), after which it is difficult to stop the consequences, and after taking a large amount of intoxicants it is difficult to stop drunkenness. Man should exercise patience and abstain in the first place.
Shura in the family:
why we need it, how to do it
Gender relations in Islam are not based on male-female competition as is seen in a number Western societies today. Rather, this relationship is based on gender cooperation. (Quran: 4:32).
In the context of the family, the husband is the leader (Qawwam) of the family as defined by God.
However, the power of this leader, like that of all other Islamic leaders, is limited on the one hand by the Quran and the Prophet's teachings, and on the other by Shura or mutual consultation - amruhum shura bainahum (Quran 42:38). Shura in this verse is mentioned by God as one of the essential characteristic of a believer along with prayers and justice.
The Muslim family, therefore, like all other Muslim institutions, formal or informal, must be run with mutual consultation.
One major cause of problems in the Muslim society today is the absence of Shura. The Shura process, if adopted as a personal behavior and nourished by the family as a way of life, will benefit the Ummah in the long run.
Some Guidelines for Informal Shura
Informal Shura is like talking to each other. It may happen at any place and at any time. Here are some examples of informal Shura and tips you can use:
Shura in a restaurant: Spouses may meet each other everyday without ever actually discussing issues. Set a time to go out and talk.
Walking Shura: What about an evening walk to discuss a topic?
Formal Shura
Formal Shura is a process to reach an agreement on an issue of mutual interest. Everyone should participate in Shura with an open mind.
Some pointers on how to do this are:
Consider a name change
My children suggest that "Family Meeting" or "Family Circle" is a better title for family Shura since "Shura" feels too serious.
They suggest that this forum should include discussion of any topic from the Quran, Sunnah or current affairs.
Nonverbal communication
Shura is about communicating effectively, both verbally and non-verbally. Here are some basic pointers on nonverbal communication:
Criticism is a type of Shura as well
Shura does not just entail basic discussion and positive comments. It can also include criticism.
However, it should be remembered that there are some etiquettes of giving input and feedback in Islam. Some of these are:
Just as it's important to know how to give criticism, it's crucial to know how to receive it. Here are some etiquette suggestions:
Involving children in Shura
Children are intelligent, thinking beings who have much to contribute to discussions. Too often, parents dismiss the opinions and thoughts of their kids, thinking their youth and inexperience mean they are too young for Shura. Not so.
Doing Shura in the family helps kids learn how to communicate effectively in a safe, comfortable environment. Parents need to remember that their love is crucial in raising their children, but it's not enough to raise a well-adjusted, happy child. Communication is the key for successful development.
Here are some tips to help you encourage your kids to communicate effectively and participate in Shura in the family: