INTRO TO INTOXICATION

Ranting & Raving

01.12.00_GHOST

So when did my world end up this way? When did I lose touch with so much? When did I first start thinking like this? I don't know. Actually I don't care. I give up on all of you. You all tried so hard not to be who you are, But in the end who else can you be? I don't give a shit about what you say you are, Because it's most likely a lie. What's worse is you believe it. You always did, And always will. You are just as bad as the ones you hate. I gave up on you people so long ago. I feel so numb trying to fathom the words to make you realize your own ignorance. So what about religion... Does it comfort you? So what about your friends? Do they keep you safe from everything? Even yourself? So you say you are just being yourself (Just like everyone else), and you say "well I was just following my heart! Did any of those great friends bother to tell you that hearts can lie? Did anyone at all take the time to say that hearts bleed? That hearts even when true can take you nowhere? That a heart can lead you somewhere you never should have gone... That it is a dangerous place full of everything you think is you, But is everyone else at the same time. No I bet they didn't. So I don�t care anymore. I may not hate you they way that I want, But I still will not to be the one to tell you... That you are going nowhere. You are doing nothing new. Originality was lost in the shuffle. The cards don't change anymore, And it is probably too late for you. You can progress at least. You can realize you are sheep, but I bet you won't. I bet you live like life bit you in the ass. I bet you live never realizing what you can accomplish. I bet you only want everything everyone else does. Just an easy way. A free ticket. A free ride, And if you don't, good. Turn off the computer... Or at least do something creative or productive with it. Stop checking your email... Stop surfing for hours looking for that mp3. Make an mp3. Make a wav file. Make some art. Express your beliefs in a web page... If this is the information super highway. Learn something. Use every possible resource you can. Do something, or fade away. I'm tired of looking at your screen name saying nothing loud and clear.

01.15.00_WHY

Why am I even thinking these thoughts? Damn me. I can't get over this shit. No matter how much I try to get over it. No matter how bad I would like to forget it. It keeps coming back. People talk. They do. It's in their nature, I guess. Why must they talk to me? I don't care for their words. I don't care about anything they have to say at all. Until they start talking about you. Then I can't stop listening. I learn from them everything I never wanted to know. At least I didn't want to hear it unless it came from your mouth. Your flawless mouth. When I could look you in those eyes that remind me of the most wonderful jewels. Then I could smile and say that everything was okay (even if it wasn't). Then we would kiss and have sex until the sun came up. But it didn't happen that way did it. Someone else had to bring it up. They had to smile, as I gave the look in-between anger and sadness. Why do people talk to me? I don't like them anymore. I hate everything about them. I wish I could wipe them all away. Cleanse my world, and it just is you and me. Like it always should have been. Like it seemed it was before the fights. Before people.

01.18.00_WRIST

I'm not going to hold your hand as you slit your wrist. I'm not going to watch as you try to take me with you in your wake. I will not let myself be destroyed because you have problems, Or will I? I love you its true, But I'm not as strong as some may have been before me. I can not save you from yourself. I can't keep myself from slipping over the edge. Sometimes I hold a gun to my face. I take time to align it with my mouth. I hold it real steady. Then I pull the trigger. BOOM! Nothing happens. It's hard for a gun to go off with the bullets sitting on my dresser. It still brings me to that line that shouldn't be crossed. It takes allot less strength then I'd like to admit. Why haven�t I done it? You. Plain and simple. I won't let myself fall while I can still see your face. When you finally decide that you can't take anymore. Then I'll load that chamber. Then I will pull that trigger. Then I will come for you.

01.19.00_ESTRANGED

So... You sit hours away from me. You tell me about your day, And I tell you about mine. We talk and laugh at each other for a minute here and a minute there. Then we say goodbye. Hours later I'm still thinking of you. Your eyes, your hair. I think you are wonderful. At some point in time we could have been more than friends, But that's not the case now is it. We both have to settle for the few minutes a night we have. We both have partners we talk about. All the bad, But we specifically leave out all the good, Because we both know how each other feels. We are friends now. Close ones at that. It feels so good to know that we have someone who cares about us. We live our lives. What else can be done? We keep moving forward, Or risk stagnation. The risk of becoming stale, And who knows maybe it's worth it. A good friend you can tell anything to, Is always worth it.

02.02.00_OVER

There is nothing that I want more... Than to see your point of view. I want to understand you. I want to help you.. I want so much these days. All I wanted was to give you a hand to hold. I may be ending this, but you left me alone, A long time ago. This just makes it official. It's finally over. All that pain. All that suffering. Everything you ever did left me broken. Everything you ever said left me damaged. I'm tired of the threats; I'm tired of the head trips. I'm going away now. It shouldn't matter to you anyway, You never loved me. You said so yourself in an attempt to hurt me. Well it did. So you shouldn't feel as bad as me when I walk away, Because I do love you. Letting you go is killing me inside. Some things have to be done. Don't they? Yes, I guess they do. I can see now that I couldn't fix you. I couldn't kiss you. I couldn't do, Or say anything right. No, not in your eyes. You were just too much for me. I'm weak, And I'm a creep. It seems to me that I did everything I could. It's over.

03.22.00_BACKTRACK

The homecoming. Here it is. The failure is back. This time I really fell on my ass. I came back to a world that holds nothing for me anymore. I was gone far too long. All the ones who said that they would never forget me are gone now. All I have are ghosts from yesterday. Just a bunch of empty memories. Faded glories. It's funny I could have swore they said misery loves company. This used to come so easy. Now it just comes to take me. I need something, But I don't know what it is that I need so bad... This used to make so much sense. There was a time not long ago when I felt I was so much. Today is here, And what's so special about it? What makes it so unlike every yesterday that has came before it? When did I wake up from that dream that meant so much to me? I can't remember. You would have figured I would remember a day (or night) that devastating. Maybe it was a series of events all bringing me a little bit closer to the "shared" reality. You know the one. The one that makes you forget what a dream really is. Makes you take a dead end job, Or go to a school learn something that looks good on paper. Although what you learn serves little to no real application in that dead end job you were forced to take to support yourself. So here I sit sipping coffee at this computer console. Staring at a window. A window that they preach can take me anywhere or learn anything I can think of. With this window I can do anything, or so they say. All thanks to this wonderful innovation in tech- know-lodegy. All I can do though are listen to a few choice mp3's, and wonder if I have any new email? Hmm... Who knows? Maybe I don't care about that sort of thing after all. So what is this apathy? I doubt it. Now I'm just searching. Trying to find my inspiration. If not mine someone else�s that bares a resemblance to mine. I don't mind being a thief if it can save me from staring at this notepad. So who are you? Why are you reading this...? Email me... Tell me if I suck and should stop this petty ramblings, Or do I inspire you? Which might be a bad thing? The last person I inspired took more than a hundred aspirins and had the decency to phone me, And say "bye, c-ya. Someone will come by and recover all my stuff. Hope you have a good time at the concert we were supposed to go to tonight.�Maybe what I say has the power to change the way someone feels... For the worst. So is it time to give up? Call it the end. Lock the door, And slide the key under. Never to go back? That is where you the viewer of this page comes in. Don't tell me what you think about the page. I get enough of that bullshit. Give me something I can use. Tell me a secret. Tell me how it makes you feel. Tell me what it really means to you, And don't spare the rod. It will only spoil the child. If you hate it good. Tell me, But more important tell me why.

email= [email protected]
Thank you for coming this far with me. It means more than you will ever understand

04.22.00_GARBAGE

I feel as if I've been thrown away. Discarded before I got a chance to prove myself. So is this the end? Is this where we say goodbye? Did I let you slip away from me? My perfect little angel. A kiss on the forehead, and a touch and the hand. Is this the end? I wish only the best for you now. I wish you luck and happiness. As I walk away from your room. As I leave you in your bed. Know that a part of me stays with you.
NEW

07.30.02_ACCELERATION

New Format, Fuck it. You have to scroll. If you can�t do that I'm sorry. Go somewhere else. Read a prettier journal.
I
 am not spending anymore time on code than I have too. It's not like anyone that really wants to know something About me would be here anyway. Point being. I am inspired. (For lack of a better term) and this little page is an outlet. A release valve. Cut some of the pressure out of my life. I can not spell worth shit. I have horrible grammar, And I use words out of context. If any of these things get on your nerves. Well sorry about your luck. If you would like to email me with corrections. Fuck you. This is not meant for mass production. Just a prototype meant for the die hard friends.

07.30.02_GRAVITY

Well fuck... go to all the trouble to make this page... Write an intro... and wouldn't you fucking guess. I get writers block. So it goes... fucked, not the word, but it's the first word that comes to mind.

07.30.02_INERTIA

Does anyone view source anymore? Oh... and there is a cave hidden in the depths of a rain forrest that I want to live in. Oddly enough... there is only one person in the world, who will get that, For what it really means. And I bet she isn't telling.

07.31.02_TOUCHED

To hell with them all. Every female in my life has drained me. I'm so dry I think my heart is pumping dust. And I have no idea what I am supposed to do about it. It seems as if there isn't a girl out there who gives a rats ass whether I live or die, Don�t get me wrong. I have my friends... some of wich are female, but as of recent I have about 5 females in my life Who I hate wanting. I feel as if I am in love, but with whom..? I have no idea. Maybe I am in love With myself... that I am really that FUCKING vain. That the girls I want only want me for one thing... And that is my face (though I'm not to sure why). Of course it makes me feel good in a sense, But is so damn damaging. I want someone to hold me... kiss me... make love to me... fuck me... Sleeps next to me... eat breakfast with me... ECT... am I really asking too much..? I'm not looking for a wife... I'm just looking for someone who wants me for more than just A chew toy....

07.31.02_VAIN

I bet you think this page is about you. Don�t you?

08.01.02_INSANITY

You may be over THAT, but are you ready for me? I am a whole new "manimal". You have caught me in your trap. Dazzled me with your brilliance, and blinded Me with your beauty...whats a boy supossed to do? How do I NOT fall for you? When you are everything I ever wished for. Nothing makes me feel more alive... Your kiss awakens parts of me I thought died very long ago..

08.01.02_DISTANCE

Whatever it takes.. However much.. However far.. I
Will
 do anything for your smile.. To hell with everyone else.

08.07.02_HEATHEN

All alone now. The world is spinning. Which chemical combination will drag me down tonight? Which girl with hate on her heart... And me on her mind will come to kill me just a little bit more? Touched... you say that I am too... so much of what you say is a lie these days... I have no hope left for love... no dream vivid enough to shake this feeling of despair. Showers. With groups of strangers that feel like lovers... lovers that feel like strangers. Enough booze to inebriate A herd of elephants... enough nicotien to enslave us all... and campfires, ghost stories... Coffee house gossip... oh... and water hose higencks, as well as ice cream candy kisses...
Not
 enough pieces to make a puzzle... but enough to set the stage For a story worth retelling.. But this is not the place...

8.10.02_STARDUST

Looks like I'm moving. I guess I fit in best in a place called E.ville.

08.11.02_FEVER

Okay... I'm working on an album. Getting all the words down... And I have found my theme. It took long enough to find something Personal enough to put down without feeling like some sort of hack. It�s not something new. It's been tackled before, but it is an issue that I have had to deal with. The album title will be named.."Becoming My Reflection". I have had that title for awhile, and when it came to mind I seen it as a stroke Of genius, but it was only a 1 dimensional theme, well now it's not. Kind of a "more than the sum of my parts".. Well I feel less than the sum, And I'm working up to being the sum.. And maybe if lucky more... but hey that�s Some time from now before I have to worry or really deal with that. So who knows..? This may work. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

08.11.02_PITY

This is not my poem, but it hits home on many levels, And I feel that anyone who may stumble upon this little Shit stain I call my webpage may enjoy it. If anything as a break from my stupid little ramblings. It is called "
Let
's Not Shit Ourselves (To Love and To Be Loved)" And it is by Bright Eyes, if you haven't heard of them yet check them out.

Well the animals laugh from the dark of the wilderness
A baby cries hard in an apartment complex
As I pass in a car
Buried under the influence
The city's driving me out of my mind
I've seen a child getting caught in that sad trap of gravity
He falls from the lowest branch of the apple tree
And lands in the grass, and weeps for his dignity
Next time he will not aim so high
Yeah next time neither will I

Now my mother takes loans out
Sends her kids off to colleges
Her family's reduced to names on a shopping list
Well a coroner kneels beneath a great wooden crucifix
He goes, 'there are worse things than being alone'
And so I've learned to retreat at the first sign of danger
I mean why wait around, if it's just to surrender
And ambition, I've found, can lead only to failure
I do not read the reviews
No, I am not singing for
You


Well I stood dropping a coin into the pit of a well
And I would throw my whole billfold in, if I thought it would help
With all these wishes I make, I should buy something real
At least a telephone, call home
Well my teachers they build this retaining wall of memory
All those bold, simple choices I answer so fluently
And got my grades back, and forgot just as easily
But at least I got an A
So I don't have them to blame
So I should stop pointing fingers
Reserve my judgment of all those public action figures
They count their presidents
So loud behind the bullhorn
So proud they can't admit
They may have made a mistake
Well-poisoning excuse from a speechwriter's pen
He knows he don't have to say it so it don't bother him
Honesty, accuracy, they're just popular opinion
The approval rating's high
Yeah so someone's gonna die
ABC, NBC, CBS bullshit
They give us fact or fiction and we can't even split
And each stupid act of war is tonight's entertainment
We're still pawns in their game
As they take eye for an eye, until no one can see
And we will stumble blindly forth, repeating history
Why can't we all be as useful on that flat-screen marquee
Blood red and white skin knowing the blues
Oh yeah the blues I got the blues
That's me

Well I awoke in relief
All my sheets and tubes were entangled
Weak from whiskey and pills in a Chicago hospital
And my father was there, in a chair by the window
Staring so far away
And I tried talking, just whispered, "so sorry, so selfish."
He stopped me and said, 'Child, I love you regardless
'And there is nothing you could do that would ever change this
'I'm not angry, it happens, but you just can't do it again'
So now I try to keep up
I've been exchanging my currency
One million objects pass through my periphery
And I'm rubbing my eyes, cause they're starting to bother me
I've been staring too long at the screen
But where was it when I first heard that sweet sound of humility
It came to my ears in the goddamn loveliest melody
How grateful I was then to be part of the mystery
To love and to be loved
Let's just hope that is enough

08.12.02_VICTIM

The Poetry page will be going down sooner or later. Revamping some poems... and deleting others... and new material will Be up soon. Time for a change of pace, for a change of mood, and A change of heart. In a week or so... I will be doing some spoken word readings at Penny Lane. Hope to see you all there. Thanks for all the feedback on the site. I swear I will get around to making it a little more USER-FRIENDLY. Smaller graphics... and I might move it to a server without all the damn pop-ups.

Girl Update.. I still hate them.. and still think they are all out to fuck with my head... But damn they are all just so damn cute.. whoa-is-me....

08.12.02_SPELL

I've heard more from the new Bright Eyes Album "lifted, or The Story In The Soil" It is so wonderful. His best work yet. Very Epic. Buy it. Buy 10 copies and hand them out to your friends. Hell hand them out to your enemies. It will make friends out of them. It is that fucking good.

08.14.02_SILVER

Everything moves towards its end. I have been put to high on a pedestal. I'm going to fall, and it's going to hurt. now it's 10 o'clock.. and I�m going to find something to drink.. until I don't have to think about her anymore.. until my vision becomes something of a fairytale.
*drink*
*drank*
*drunk*
So where is that mythical land where I can be happy..? A place I can call home?
"gossip is as good as gospel in this town, you can save face, but you will never save your soul"
I have sent out every possible sign.. and a fleet of birds to guide me a lover I can relate with.. and no luck.. I still am stuck behind this dying machine making up lives. and lies..and some truths.. (my eyes focus on the screen) does anything matter at all..?is anyone reading any of this.. does anyone care? I need a signal.. to get me out of this noise.. otherwise I'm going to lose myself to it.. my sanity is slipping with each sip.. "magusreaver: I think it's an even trade.. pain for pleasure.. sanity for carelessness.. gravity.. for inertia.. love for lies.. girls for guys.. we both are to blame.. for the proverbial mess we are in.. the shame we feel is one we share." I don't like this.. I don't want this.. I sure as hell don't need this.. but I can't see any answer.. gravity... is a bitch.. falling is getting very old..

08.17.02_VANISHING

Slipping into a coma.. Fading out.. The end is near.. A change is coming. tickets on sale now!!! You too can be apart of the documented death! Oh and thanks ******* for fucking my head all up. How did you know I needed that?
everybody knows that it's all about the things that get stuck inside of your head, Like the songs your roommate sings, a vision of her body as she stretches out on your bed, She raised her hands in the air, asked you, "When was the last time you looked in the mirror? 'Cause you've changed, yeah, you've changed",Bright Eyes

I've looked into the mirror.. and I don't like what I see anymore..

08.19.02_VALUE

I am colorblind. I am tone deaf. I am a moral mute. I will not be apart of evil. see no.. hear no.. speak no..

08.19.02_CANCER

I have to go with my mother to the hospital in a matter of hours.. To receive her test results.. I am sort of moral support.. (but I�m worried sick) and yet I can not sleep.. the more I try.. the more I think, and worry.. and the farther sleep gets from me.. I'm kind of getting sick to my stomach.. if there ever was a time to pray.....

08.21.02_FALLEN


Shady Grove, my true love
Shady Grove I say
Shady Grove, my true love
Now I'm' bound to go away
Peaches in the summertime
Apples in the fall
If I can't get the girl I love
I don't want none at all

Shady grove, my little love
Shady grove, I know
Shady grove, my little love
I'm bound for shady grove

Wish I had a banjo string
Made of golden twine
Every tune I'd play on it
I wish that girl were mine

Wish I had a needle and thread
Fine as I could sew
I'd sew that pretty girl to my side
And down the road I'd go

When you go to catch a fish
A fish with a hook and line
When you go to court a girl
You never look behind
 From the traditional song Shady Grove

08.22.02_ANDROID

looking to build a new computer.. been pricing parts from newegg.com .some of the cases there.. downright scare the shit out of me.. but.. the scary ones.. tend to be the ones I want.. go figure..

08.22.02_JUSTICE

My family wants me to testify in court. To save a member from going to jail for a very long time. I know he didn't do it, but I was drunk and high on the night in question. It took place at the fucking Sturgis Bike Rally. So.. I think if I'm called to court everything I say can only get him in trouble.. and maybe even me. Life is so fucked up. As if I didn't have enough on my mind. Considering my mothers surgery takes place tomorrow. I don't even smoke pot. I don't like it.. but I did it that ONE fucking night.. and now.. my world is in turmoil. Gee thanks fate.. serving me another kick right in the teeth.

08.25.02_MINOR

Anger Management

My inner demons compel me to be here
Your cheeks are flush like rose petals
You're consumed with rage but I'm consumed with you

Our eyes intertwine through the haze
Intoxicated by your bloodshot stare
In all of my dreams I never thought I�d see
A face that could launch a thousand ships

And the music was like wind in your hair
The moonlight caressed your silhouette
Kiss of ocean mist is in the air
Why must God punish me this way

Lay down my hand the next move is yours
As you undress me with your frozen eyes
In all of my dreams I never thought I'd see
An endless love to share my blue lagoon

And the music was like wind in your hair
The moonlight caressed your silhouette
Kiss of ocean mist is in the air
Why must God punish me this way

Happiness is hard to come by
But I've had my fair share
The satin sheets, the lemon peels
The minor keys, the major pills
We've climbed the mountain, saw the top
And planted the apple seed
And can't you see we could've had it all

And the music was like wind in your hair
The moonlight caressed your silhouette
Kiss of ocean mist is in the air
Why must God punish me this way

And the music was like wind in your hair
The moonlight caressed your silhouette
Kiss of ocean mist is in the air
Why must God punish me this way
Why must God punish me this way
This way, this way, this way ...
,Lovage

08.25.02_TEARDROP

she kills me.. bit by bit. I�ve fell for her..and now I must face the consequences. the anger as it seethes from her. you did this.. so I must do this.. if I hurt you must hurt.. if I cry.. you will cry longer.. and that�s the way that it always ends.. some flesh.. some look.. some random kiss... a whisper in an ear.. ..nothing to catch.. out the other.. just some desire.. that�s all it is.. all it can be.. but that�s not what we need.. all these things add up.. the sum of our collective parts.. it doesn't add up.. I've done the math... a simple word "love" gets you going, doesn't it? Pisses you off, and gets you off.. if it doesn't I will.. and if I don't .. hey we always have next week.. right? another chance to fall into each other.. and fail for each other.

08.26.02_THEIF


My heart is not in this anymore..
All the tears collected now.
all the emotion saved..
see the red flow from under the door..
and all secrets are taken to my grave

and the flower black as pitch
and my side busts another stitch..
I'm coming undone..
one strand at a time..
I'm setting like the sun.
and settling in the grime..

and I could never touch you..
I could never keep you
(never close enough)
I could never kiss you..
(never deep enough)

the damage is done.
and all my dreams have faded.
I let myself down.
nothing was created.
and I'm still stuck in this town.

the taste of your sweat
is still fresh on my tongue.
I give, and you take.. until I crack.. and I
Break

08.26.02_TORTURE

so why do I even bother having a poetry page when I keep posting them in here? maybe i should delete everything that resembles poetry on these pages.. just turn this into my bitch site.. no pics.. no poems.. just abstract emotions.. fractured thoughts. broken ideas.. and cracked hearts... pardon
Me
 miss.. this is my stop...

09.01.02_SELF

Will I find the means of escaping you? No matter where I go, you seem to follow.. Not even sleep can seem to bring me peace these days.. all anyone wants to talk about is your beauty.. your smile.. your eyes.. your hair.. and all I want to do is die.. just combust. go up in flames in front of everyone.. So everyone can see my pain. Not just a select few. let all my friends roast marshmallows over my burning body..

09.03.02_JESUS

pluck a flower for my grave...
for nothing can save me now..
I have fallen for your touch..
best laid plans are sure to fail...
there is no such thing as a holy grail..
one can not cure the world�s pain..
no matter what his name..

09.03.02_HAPPY

Why am I consumed by the thoughts of someone that should be nothing more than a ghost to me?

09.03.02_CONTEMPT

Today I lost all faith in the judicial system. I have nothing but contempt of this court. You have shown me that innocent until proven guilty is nothing but a lie. Something that we tell our children.. like some sort of fucked over fairy tail. and time.. is an abstract thought to some judge. Sitting high on his appointed chair. ready to wave a gavel in your face and end large segments of your life.. freedom? what a great Idea.. wish someone thought of it years ago.. because we sure as hell don't have it now. we have something similar.. something that vaguely acts like it.. but it's a lie. one that we all hide behind. the American dream depends on it.. and we sure as hell can't envision a life without the American dream. well.. my dream is different. I hate your dream. I hate your reality. I hate it all. Give me time.. and I will find away to change it all. Give me time.. and I will give you something worth dreaming about...

09.09.02_ADDICTION

I had some great idea to put on here tonight.. I had the idea most of the day.. well.. hours have gone by.. and I have lost that golden thought. I have someone asking about "her"... as if she doesn't get enough of my time, it seems all I do is think of her as it is.
I have rusted root stuck in my head... this song so sad...

"beautiful people"

"Come and hear the funeral marching
Maybe this is your suicide
Maybe this is more pure
Pure than simple, maybe this is all I have
For home, woh woh, daddy yeah
Daddy yeah

Why have all the beautiful people
Brushed you on down
Brushed you on down
Whoa, whoa, whoa oh daddy yeah (daddy yeah)

Brush them daddy yeah (ooo daddy yeah)
Brush them daddy yeah (ooo daddy yeah)

I saw the shame inside your addiction
Waiting to see what was passed on by
I saw the shame and wondered why
I should live, and die

Leave a note and tell me
Leave a note and tell me why
Leave a note and tell me
You leave a note and tell me why

Why have all the beautiful people
Brushed you on down they've
Brushed you on down
Whoa, whoa, whoa oh, ooo daddy yeah (daddy yeah)
,Rusted Root

so much to live for.. so much to do..
but weak wills will never help heal a hurt heart..
I can't save her.. I can't even speak to her anymore
so here I sit.. trying to accept my fate.. and sometimes it the things you don't say.. and for the record.. no, I will not be okay... how could I be? I am alone.

09.10.02_ICING

maybe someday...


I just want someone to understand.. for someone to take me by the hand.. and say.. It will be okay... so I guess that�s why I keep writing.. faking through these lines.. shading how I feel.. never showing what is real.. I just hope that no one finds me out.. hope that no one finds me out.. finds me out.. finds me out.. finds me out..

09.11.02_LISTEN

Good Life - Don't Make Love So Hard

You said you're a wreck
You get so upset
You said that you would ruin everything
The first chance you get
But your chances come day after day
As I drunkenly slander your name
Is it possible you've become fond
Of the lushes that we have become?
Don't make love so hard.

You've said that's enough
You've been acting so bored
You said it's too much
you can't take anymore
But day after day that I'm gone
You anxiously wait for that call
It's almost as if you would miss me
If I never returned at all
Don't make love so hard.

I sit at the bar
You're off playing pool
Still you keep a close eye
On which girls I've been talking too
but day after day stumbles by
And I have yet to abandon your side
Has jealousy�s venomous dart
poisoned the well of your heart
Don't make love so...
La la la la la la
I love you...

09.18.02_NIGHTTERROR

Just woke up.. Skocking dream.. so loud and so bright.. I was walking across the North Bound Bridge with Steve. Carrying Hockey Sticks of all things. or at least Steve was. There was no traffic. Not at all,and we were wearing all black. I remember I had on my favorite long sleeved NIN shirt, and black pants. We Reached the entrance to Ellis Park when we almost were hit by a kid on a bike who also was wearing black.. In passing he said "oh, shit! All of us traveling at night wearing black. We must be idots" We laughed he pedeled off into the void. as we continue our walk I there is a SPIT turning itself with a human baby fetus trying to scream as it is burning in the middle of this fire which has nearly consumed it. Then it happened.. all so fast.. Talking with Steve.. Across The Road from the woods the guy on the bike starts picking up rocks and batting them at us. Steve tosses me one of the hockey sticks he is carrying. Diversion.. He was trying to keep us from hearing his friends. Next I hear the sound of people running at me from the woods.. By the time I have to react.. It was too late. I turn around and see the face of my killer... It's funny how death is. Not what I had in mind at all. I See three white men, ghetto-trash.. and the one nearst me ,about 8 feet away (too far to grab the gun). Raise it and fire. I Hear Steve scream.. all went black.. I remember my body falling... out of the cornor of my eye seeing Steve run.. and as my body went down I never made it to the ground. I was dead by the time my body hit the street.. and I was still trying to speak.. "it can't be... someone tell my family I'm sorry. All there fears have come true." (sorry if this makes no sence.. it's 6:30 am and I have only been awake long enough to wake up screaming.. pant a few times.. and write this up)

09.21.02_Heartache

I hope it hurts..

10.08.02_Strip

don't worry, it's only love.
It will pass.

10.20.02_You Don't Fucking Understand

You Hurt, You Will Heal. How Does it feel?
,PIG

fuck you for not loving me right

Slipping... fading.. nothing is real but the pain
nothing can change it now
Don't Bother trying to smile
the tears make it that much more tragic
I'm guilty of the crime
and I'm guilty of these fears

I hope it hurts.. I hope that it's felt..
I hope that it cuts.. I hope that it kills

the lies add up around my name
you placed the noose around my neck
and the jury convicts my me for the crimes
but it's not me, it's just another mirror
and the reflection is fading away.
this is the burden.. this is the wieght on my shoulders
and it's all your fault
it's all your fault
all your fault
I've never done a thing to you
You gotta make it more than it's worth
my pain for your pleasure
You just want to see me squirm
well fuck you..

it's open season on me,
how many holes can you put in my heart
my veins are running out of hope for cleansing
and my eyes are getting sore from the rubbing
I can't look at you anymore
the shell of what I used to need

and for once I don't know
how to keep faith in my soul..
sold out..
gave up.. left for dead..
counting the thoughts of you in my head..
slipping.. fading..
nothing is real but the pain
nothing is real but the pain

11.29.02_That New Feeling

Updates Galore. Nothing more than eye candy. Hope it pleases you. It was a pain in the ass to create. I have no formal training in web page creation. Just old school know-how, and many hours fucking around in windows notepad. I have a newer version of Photoshop that helped to shrink some of the pictures. I had to sacrifice quality for size on most but hey.. it's not like I'm anyone of any importance. I'm just another hack.. slaving away for some hours to kill hoping to entertain others with some lack luster creation. Another meg uploaded onto this ever growing information super-spy-way. Yeah.. I coined yet another clever phrase...

11.30.02_Right Now I'm Drunk

Another drunken entry. Hi.. how the fuck are you.. I don't care. I have an interview for a job in the morning. I'll let you know how it goes.. I may be bartending again. The place has changed alot.. and alot of the buisness has died.. I built it up once. Hope I get hired on.. and hope I can build it up again. More changes to the site will be coming soon. A new lyric/poetry page I hope.. If I can find the time to make a menu and make it so you don't have to scroll through the entire page.. i hope that one day I can get around to doing this page as well in that fashion. But alas that is a shitload of work.. to much for me to attempt to make time for right now. As you may or may not know this site contains "easter eggs". More will becoming shortly I have alot of new fragmented ideas and nowhere to stick them. So I hide them here and there.. and if you are lucky or smart enough or I just plain told you.. You can find them. anyway I have had 3 pitchers of beer.. and I don't know how many bottles... and typing is getting harder.. and the backspace key is my best friend.. so in all honesty it's time for me to get off-line and find me a safe warm dry place to die for the night. now.. to upload this shitty entry...

12.09.02_Nothing Works

it doesn't help, it can never be cured, but it can be helped, if you seek it, without medication you have to realize your brain does not work right. You are just that fucked up, your head is broken. welcome to living in turmoil until the day you say "fuck it" and end it all. and you know what.. no one will mis you. at least not that much. time heals all wounds they say. I don't believe that. but we do tend to forget shit alot of the time. Don't bother leaving a note. No one wants to read it anyway.
Get Help
Get It Now
Becuase we will not hold your hands as you slit your wrists
I will not cry for you
This is not some movie about suicide.. you will be forgotten.

01.24.03_FOUND(.EXE.GES.IS)Version.1.0

Studio Alita lost. Many mounds of information, personal notes, and complete bodies of work lost. My house and home studio has been lost to me. On a good note a friend has taken me under her protective wings, and allowed me use of her home. I am slowley but surely getting back into music creation if you can call what I do that. For years my work has been more experiments in sonic dissonance. but I am learning. Each time I power up a machine or computer the ideas hit me like a ton of electronic impulses (or the preverbial "BRICKS"). In the relocation of everything I own I ran across a tape. Said tape is a couple of drum tracks and old broken keyboard sounds arranged subtley in my own way, by my own hand at the tender age of 16. Here is around 7 years later almost to the day. It will be fun to incorperate said tape project into my new body of works.. or just complete the songs on them. This tape is known as "my first failure - the anomoley tape sessions". It dates back to pre-"Chaos Trigger" days. wich as most personal friends know as my first industrial-goth-art band project. It never really got it's feet off the ground but served as a spring board for my creative expressions. It was not my first band, or my first musical outlet. that out of the way I would like to adress that Becoming My Reflection has been but on hold, maybe indefinatly. The feelings in said work have become outdated with my currant emotions, and Ideas. Who knows maybe one day I can get it back on the blackboard and finish the equation. but as of now it is just to foriegn a consept for me. As for now I can not give any idea as to what I am truley up too. Just tag along for the ride if you find the time. I promise my mind will give you something brilliant to chew upon and spit back at me (for better or worse)

01.25.03_World war version 3.0

Pounding out the ideas
gatherinig the tools I need
weapons being sighted in
target in sight
you wanted this war.
you will get this war.
and I am not talking about any third world country.
This is the war in your head.
and I'm fighting for control of it.
you will see me coming a mile away
but damned if you can do much about it.
this is what you wanted.
this is what you thought you needed.
this is what you get.
this is what you begged for this on those phone conversations..
this is what you pleaded for when you listened to the demos.
this is what perplexed you when I read my thoughts out loud.
this is my weapon of choice.
this is the fight you started.
Don't you dare say otherwise.
You wanted to see me break
You wanted to see me fold under the pressure
You wanted to see my tears flow free
You wanted my blood on your hands
You wanted to see how far you could push me
You wanted to see me go over the edge
You wanted to see me fall
You wanted to be there when I hit the ground
You wanted to be the first to laugh at my misfortune
My failures are my weapons
My emptyness is my armor
My dreams are everything
A poet once said "a prison becomes a home if you have the key"
I found my key under all the trauma.
I found the key where you left it.
You gave it to me.
In the blood you drew.
In the tears you pulled from my eyes.
In the pain you inflicted.
In the scars you left on my flesh.
In the dreams you distorted.

04.17.03_this is not for you


no prayer can bring her back
no love song can speak to her
no hand can touch her now..
at least not mine..

the moons midnight memory
hexs the sympathy I could have felt
and i'm waxing agony
with the cards that I have been delt

now the nights run together
with the pain from a dreams end
and I will never find another
my broken heart can never mend

she sang to the key of angels
and now leaves me to hum from hell the company I keep of devils
dance at the sight of a sign
my soul is up for sell

is this what it is like for the others
for all the ones I have broken??
all the hearts I would not keep
is this what it is like?
to cry yourself to sleep?

maybe she is better off without me
in all my selfish glory
I never would have believed
no, never have believed...
that this is the end of the story.

that this is where she goes away
and this is where I'm left to stay

06.06.03_The Piano Played Me


paralized by a single word this is what it got me. I caught you in the act awoke from a dream the screen flickered I saw an image of an angel covered in the skin of a devil but you played it off so well sometimes it's just too complicated to put into words.. it was the heat from your lips the taste of your sweat the beat of your pulse it was the way you felt so sorry for me it was the fact I was only ment to be a memory you say I can't love you you deny any affection as if it would infect you poison your heart and make you hate me so where will I live what will I do? who will love me? who can fix me now? I've toured all the pubs played my hand at the games had my share of whiskey and beer my head on the bar and my hand in the air one more.. please mister. just one more. the change in my hands never makes it to the phone.. but I always try I hear a sad song on the juke box of course it reminds me of you I think this time the piano played me

06.07.03_My Negative Love


This room is a boundry
a space I cannot over come
A door I cannot open
Freedom is lost to me
I will never be

a wall between us
a wood and plaster cage
I can hear you
but you will never see me

My negative love
the chain reaction
I was caught in your beauty
You were the roots
and I was the tree

so I walk with shadows
and know only pain
My friend is my misery
my love was given for free
You will miss me
Just wait and see

06.26.03_I Should Be Alright (but I'm not)


Everyday it gets harder not to call.
I made my confessions,
and I guess you made yours.
but we had to walk our seperate ways.
and pray that we both see a better set of days.

There must be more to life
then this pain, and drugged way of living
I've become a walking hangover
now that you are gone.
I should be alright.

but I'm not.
but I'm not.
but I'm not.

For every tear that has been wasted on me
I know I've cried two for you
it's all fucking up my head
it is all a matter of timing
I have to tell myself
and that someday you will bring me back down off of your shelf.

so I sit with beer and whiskey in my hands
trying to drink myself sober
wishing you were with me
my queen
it's over.
you are gone
and have been for sometime.
I know I should be alright
but I'm not.

07.05.03_Hold On To Me


I told a crow
that I loved you more than anything in this world.
and asked him to fly and tell everyone that he saw
how much I love you.
and as I watched him fly away
I realized. that he is just a stupid bird and can't talk to humans.
but he seemed like he was a good listener.
and maybe he is trying..
just flying around cawing my love for you.
so when you see a bird sitting in a tree branch in the park.
or flying overhead on a sunny day.
or hear birds singing outside your window.
know that they could be singing my love for you.

07.06.03_Your Ghost Will Leave Me No Rest


if you love her you will leave her
if you don't it's not love
it's torture

07.08.03_I Just Can't Fake It Anymore



07.14.03_The Touch That Could Turn The Tide


the blues thats a bruise can leave just wait your turn just wait to see the color that is left behind the hue of my touch is left to scar you

07.15.03_Who Will You Be Tonight???


i thought you knew
this way is better she says
hey hey, it's your turn to say goodbye
hey hey, it's my turn to feel the sting
your lips stainded my shirt
the sleight of hand
the blood of the righteous
still on my hands
this big hurt
fills my heart
your scent still lingers on my fingers
and I know I will never forget
but it's falling out of view
I thought you knew
the room is still charged with your sex
I thought my honesty would be the glue
help hold us together..
in my arms forever
angel or antichrist
you will always be
one or the other
my muse, and my lover
the choice is all yours
she says "it will be alrght"
but I ask
who will you be tonight?

07.16.03_A Recreation of Something I Have Never Seen


to begin at the end
to get it right this time
to fly like birds in the middle of the night
we have no answers
there is no communication here
we are only what was
we are only what will never be
love is not ment for those like you
and for those like me
we are one
and we are none.

we remember only in dreams
we forget everything by the mourning light
we kiss to touch
we touch to bleed
we are frozen in time
with no reason to our rhyme.

everything that sparkles
is sure to fade to our gaze
everything that glitters...
everything is gold

ghosts in the crowd
stuck somewhere in space
we call without voices
to the mothership satelite

we have no name
we have no shape
we have no place
we have no home
we have only each other
but we have that forever

07.17.03_A Heart I Can Not Hold


I've been living with a head full of lies
I keep them to myself
I can't continue this way
this road has come to a dead end
and you are not here waiting for me
I won't bother waiting for you
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