This Isn't Love
Poetry & Lyrics
I'm Only Trying***
I'm only trying..
please understand and please forgive me
i guess it wasn't ment to be
just thoughts.words.sentences.
all broken and left to entrophy..
all the dreams. and desires..
all the hope I had left
all simple wishes and just maybe's
are fading into if onlys..
could have been..something
but now desperation has tainted me
it once seemed so easy..
I need someone to hold me
if only for tonight.
just once..
just one chance is all I need
now i can see.. just how broken one can be..
that love was left to others..
and there is nothing left for me..
nothing left for me.
now i can see..just how broken I can be.
it just wasn't ment to be.. just wasn't ment to be
everything I've given
after all that I have tried
no taste of heaven
and no place left to hide
just wasn't ment for me
just wasn't ment to be
even after everything.
I can see something worth wanting..
something worth needing..
something more than wishing..
it is something worth all the bleeding
I had something worth holding.
but it all fell apart in my hands
I can't seem to peice it back togther
with these ruined fingers
slipping further with each passing of the sand
I am a smashed mirror.
shining up reflections of a memory
only worth forgetting..
you are the only dream I've ever had
worth remembering ..worth believeing..
you are the reason this heart keeps beating.
now i can see. just how broken one can be.
now i can see. just how broken I can be.
it just wasn't ment to be.. or was it just not ment for me?
why can't anyone see.. how I hurt.. how I feel.
that I am so lost and lonley..
and I can't seem to stop this heart from bleeding..
don't leave me here. I am so afriad
don't leave me to this fear
after all those loving words you said
I didn't make them up.. I can't be that fucked up in the head.
don't leave me here.. do you even care?
I have sunk so low.. just how far down can I go?
I have sunk.. and still sinking..
drifting away..slipping from view..
everything means nothing without you..
without you.
even after everything. I can see something worth wanting..
something worth needing.. something more than wishing..
it is something worth all the bleeding
I am slipping further into this fever..
living out my life.. in a world without hope..
I can still hear your voice.. sent to take away my fears..
I can see your face.. but its getting darker..
and the air is getting thicker..
and I am begining to choke on all the dust that has collected on my heart..
I am dying here.. faithfull but alone..
and even after everything.
I can see something worth wanting.. something worth believing..
something worth these collected tears.. I can see your ghost...
an image from the past.. I can see that everything I've ever wanted..
ment nothing without you..
becuase nothing but the pain I feel without you will last...
The Poem I Could Not Bare to Finish***
This is for a girl that broke my heart
this is for the boy who busted my lip
this is for the crash that bruised my ribs
this is for the kiss I could not return..
this is for the friends that have left this world without me
(how dare you?)
This is for all the times I could not breathe
this is for all the times I could not bring myself to speak her name
this is for all the time that I bled from your wounds
this is for all your tears that I collected
this is for all the times I weeped so you wouldnt have to
this is for all the times that you found your way to me
(where are you now?)
This is for the Wings I could not mend
this is for all the times I could not catch you
when you fell.
This is for every wish I could not grant
This is a song I could not sing
this is a prayer I could not speak aloud
this is for all the time I just let the phone ring
this is for all the conversations we could have had
This is for the child that was born still..
this is for the mother that had to shoulder that loss
this is for everyone who died in a war
this is for the father that lost his son to it.
(I know you did what you had too)
This is for all the sypathy I could not spare..
This is for the homeless, the beggers, and the lost, and the nameless
This is for all the ones I could not help
This is for all the times I lost my temper
This is for every missunderstanding, and unfair fight
this is for Ghandi, Jesus, Atlas, and Prometheus
and all the hero's and healers I have forgotten.
(this is for my mother too)
this is for the end of times that I can not prevent
this is for the ghost that huants my nights
this is for the God that I can not return his faith
This is for all my logic that failed
this is for all the times I lost hope
this is for all the times I lost my strength to move on
this is for all the times I took you for granted
this is for every lie I have told in my silence
this is the words that never ring true
this is for the ending I could not write
this is for the begining of a poem I could not bare to finish
so instead I just thought you should know that I love you..
To Be You***
I walk between the land and the sea
a fine line between right and wrong
what is the real differance between the devil and me?
this is all my fualt
but I did it all for you
this world will never be good enough for you
the world will only cuase you pain
this world will never show you a love that is true
in this world there are a thousand colors
but the only one I ever feel is blue
and I know you do too
this is all my fualt
but I did it all for you
so we leave our hearts behind
becuase things never work out
not the way that we had in mind
becuase love is so hard to come by
I wish I was in the space that you occupy
sometimes I wish I could live in your veins
to know how it feels to wear your skin
and not be this victim I have been made into
but to actually be you.
sometimes I wish I could live in your veins
to know how it feels to wear your skin
and not be this victim you have made me into
but to actually be you.
Midnight Inside Her***
let the sun
shine away your imperfections
may the rain
wash away my touch
from your skin
into my mouth..
I feel my love disolve in you
love wasn't strong enough to hold us together
love wasn't strong enough to hold me together
love isn't here for us this time
love is a lie
one that I can't stop believing in
love is a lie
that I can't stop from falling in
just wasn't there for us
as the black sun falls to my tenderkill touch..
I'm begging, I'm bleeding
my heart is breaking from needing you so much
the heart of the fungus is pulling from my inside
tonight no heart shall be denied.
my prey, my pet..
I love you, although we have just met.
For Laura***
these fingers ache
this hurt filled heart quakes
this dusty voice is screaming
I've put my fears to bed
tucked them away for this living-dead season
the worst is over
the wait is through
and this dusty voice is begging
for your return
come back home
I didn't need your help
I just needed the reason
and a little bit of time..
to slit my devils face from my brain
so let the bad man come for me tonight
I am strong, and I am ready
I'm waiting for the fight
the bottle's lost it's hold
I've smashed it on the ground
I don't need it anymore
I'm through with liquid courage
the wait is over
I've killed my demons
and put my fears to bed
tucked them in.
keep them warm..
I'll smother them in my sleep
I'll crush them in my dreams
if I need the torture
if I need the torture
I'll wake up screaming
with your name on my tounge
I'll wake up screaming
I'll wake up screaming
I could have had everything
but all I ever needed was you
I'll get you back..
if it's the last thing I do.
The Split-Second You Screamed For Release***
The Split-Second You Screamed For Release
My life was given a gift of meaning
Right then I knew...
I knew You Were the one.
I knew you were the one.
I knew You Were the one.
I knew you were the one.
You Were the one.
you were the one.
You Were the one.
you were the one.
The Split-Second You Screamed For Release
I knew you were the one.
I knew You Were the one.
I knew you were the one.
The one...
The one...
The one...
The one...
Baby I knew you were the one for me.
not that it matters.
not that anyone should care
I gave you warning this day would come
so kill me so tenderly
oh baby, darling enemy
kill me with a bullet from your tounge
give this pain a reason to linger
long after you have left this place
give my heart a reason to hate you again.
Time Will Take You Away From Me***
huanting my bed
everynight you come to me in my sleep.
winter is over
but it's still frozen in my heart.
I can't forget you.
no matter how much I try.
I will remember you as a butcher
cutting my flesh to save my soul.
forgive me if it hurts.
but your scar will never heal.
my misery is my mercy
leid und eland.
ich liebe dich.
angel of my self destruction.
watch over me
as I cry your name as i sleep
i regret every second I closed my eyes
recounting every moment with you
each breath coming more painful than the last
each tear running farther from the memory sinking in my past
maybe someone can save me from myself
maybe..
she smelled like rain on flowers
on a summer nite.
she spins around me..in orbit with angels
but always comes back to collapse in my arms
just to say "i love you, but not enough to keep you"
she lies to keep me smiling
I smile just to keep from crying.
but I dont mind the pain anymore
at least it is constant
she says
and she says
and she says "you will forget me when your famous
,you will forget me within the year, you will forget me when you're a star
you will becuase that is just the way it goes"
so I kissed her eyes close
and whispered.
"I hope so."
Her Ghost Fades Before Me***
the colors of your eyes
plays tricks on heart
it folds.. and cracks
I wanted it to work this time
I wanted it so much.
the sound of your voice
haunts me where I stand
it's holding me back
holding me down
I could not understand
I just could not understand
so everynight I cry to you
and write "wishes" "I hope" and "someday"
yeah, just maybe...
but the reality is vicious
and it scares me to death
the memories are precious
but slipping from my grasp
and I'm holding back
slowley falling behind
your ghost has let me down again
the loss teaches me the meaning of prayer
and my failure seems forever
and I feel that I am finaly damned
for what I could not understand..
my lover...
I'm sorry
but I just could not understand
I cover my eyes
I cover my eyes
but I can still see you
even after everything..
the sum of our tears
terring me apart
the bottle blurs the lines
but the substance can not erase
just take away the edges..
and smears the makeup on your face..
I just want one night without you
one night free of you
just one night of peace
just one night without you..
I'm sorry
I hope you understand...
I hope you can understand..
worn to thin***
too much time.. has passed between these eyes
to much wine.. has passed between these lips
and still i find.. that I am drunk and blind..
but i can still feel the place
on the bed... where your body used to lay
and I know that I can't wish this all away..
the reflection in the mirror
shows a whisper of the one I used to be..
but it's just not me
it's just not me.
so when the wolves come to take you
I'm afraid I can't save you
I'm still drunk and blind
wheeping in the corner..
my color has faded.
and I have slimmed..
funny the things you will never miss
but don't look at me
I can't stand the thought of you seeing me like this.
a ghost.. a failure
a lost soul drifting
a sinner without a sin
please don't think bad of me..
I was just worn too thin