Lost Fragment of the Book of Nod

TREMERE: �Awright, Haqim! I have HAD it with you! You�re gonna die!�

HAQIM: �Says you. Phbbbt!�

TREMERE: �Oh, yeah? Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames! I blow up Asia!�

HAQIM: �Celerity 10. I dodge. I�m now standing in the middle of the ocean.�

TREMERE: �Thaumaturgy 10, Neptune�s Might. I boil the oceans.�

HAQIM: �Obfuscate 10. What ocean?�

TREMERE: �Thaumaturgy 10, Movement of the Mind. I hit the remaining ocean with the moon.�

LASOMBRA: �Tag in! Obtenebration 9. What moon?�

TREMERE: �Auspex 10. *That* moon.�

LASOMBRA: �Tag out!�

HAQIM: �Oh crap. Umm� Quietus 10.�

TREMERE: �Here comes the big ball of rock, baby!�

[HAQIM is squished]

BRUJAH: �Didn�t Haqim just activate Quietus 10?�

NOSFERATU: �And it was a surprisingly quiet squishing. Stupid discipline.�

TREMERE: �Lasombra��

LASOMBRA: �Tag, um, Tzimisce!�

TZIMISCE: �Vicissitude 10. Try that moon trick now, spellboy.�

TREMERE: �Tag Ventrue!�

VENTRUE: �Dominate 10. Who�s your daddy?�

TZIMISCE: �You�re my daddy.�

LASOMBRA: �Tag in! Potence 10. Feel the pain!�

VENTRUE: �Fortitude 10! What pain?�

LASOMBRA: �Obtenebration 10! I hope you like small, dark, places.�

VENTRUE: �Fuck.�

[VENTRUE vanishes]

LASOMBRA: �I have ALWAYS wanted to do that.�

TZIMISCE: �Vicissitude 10. Lasombra, you�re now a small ball of cheese.�

SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: �WHY?�

TZIMISCE: �Ventrue still calls the shots. Read Dominate 10.�

SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: �Damn, he�s right.�

TZIMISCE: �Animalism 10. Horde of cheese-eating mice.�

SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: �Obtenebration 10. I am a shadow of a small ball of cheese.�

TZIMISCE: �Tag Tremere!�

TREMERE: �Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. Shadow of fondue, you mean.�

SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: *fwoosh*

NOSFERATU: �Animalism 10. They�re MY horde of mice.�

TZIMISCE: �Animalism 10. Mine.�

NOSFERATU: �Mine!�

TZIMISCE: �Gimme!�

BRUJAH: �Celerity 10 AND Potence 10. I crush Tzimisce and Nosferatu while they�re still arguing about the mice.�

NOSFERATU: �Urk.� [dies]

TZIMISCE: �Urk.� [reforms] �Love that Vicissitude 10.�

BRUJAH: �Oh, dearie.�

TZIMISCE: �Now the mice are MINE!�

[MASKED AVENGER #1 appears from nowhere]

MASKED AVENGER #1: �All of you shall die for consorting with our enemies! Or, in some cases, actually being our enemies.�

ENNOIA: �Who the heck are *you*?�

MASKED AVENGER #1: �Oh, sorry. I�m early.�

[MASKED AVENGER #1 vanishes]

TZIMISCE: �Not even the first Masked Avenger, whoever he was, can stop me!�

ARIKEL: �Auspex 10. What *can* stop someone with Vicissitude 10? Oh, diablerie.�

TREMERE: �Thaumaturgy something or other. I weaken Arikel a generation.�

ARIKEL: �You just made that up!�

TREMERE: �Trust me, you�ll like it.�

BRUJAH: �Potence 10. I expend a barrage of fisticuffs upon Tzimisce.�

TZIMISCE: �Vicissitude 10. I can ignore them.�

ENNOIA: �Animalism 10. My mice.�

TZIMISCE: �Mine!�

TREMERE: �Quick, Arikel! Diablerize Tzimisce while he�s distracted!�

AUGUSTUS: �Necromancy 10, Bone Path! The dead have risen�and they�re voting Republican!�

TREMERE: �Don�t you guys *ever* stop worrying about temporal power?�

AUGUSTUS: �Umm. No.�

MALKAV: �Dementation 10! Everyone goes absolutely crazy!�

[there is a pause]

[the pause lengthens]

BRUJAH: �You feel any different, Ennoia?�

ENNOIA: �Nope. You?�

BRUJAH: �Nope. Tremere?�

TREMERE: �Nope.�

AUGUSTUS: �Me neither.�

BRUJAH: �Nobody asked you.�

MALKAV: �Well, THAT was a non-starter.�

TZIMISCE: �Well, I *gurgle*��

ARIKEL (dropping diablerized corpse of Tzimisce): �*I* sure feel different!�

ENNOIA: �Well, that settles it. My mice.�

ARIKEL: �I now have Animalism 10. Mine!�

MALKAV: �CATFIGHT!�

BRUJAH: �Mousefight, actually.�

AUGUSTUS: �How droll.�

TREMERE: �Thaumaturgy 10, Hands of Destruction. I kill the freakin� mice, already.�

ARIKEL: �Waaahhh!�

AUGUSTUS: �Zombie mice!�

ENNOIA: �Bastards.�

[MASKED AVENGERS #1, #2, and #3 appear]

MASKED AVENGER #2: �Prepare to meet final death at the hands of the Masked Avengers!�

MASKED AVENGER #3: �Especially you, Tremere!�

MASKED AVENGER #2: �No, especially *you*, Augustus!�

MASKED AVENGER #3: �Tremere!�

MASKED AVENGER #2: �Augustus!�

ENNOIA: �Who *are* you guys, anyway?�

MASKED AVENGER #3: �It�s a secret. That�s why we�re wearing masks.�

BRUJAH: �Speaking of which, why does your mask have three eyeholes?�

MASKED AVENGER #3: �To be distinctive.�

BRUJAH: �Doesn�t that kind of defeat the purpose of wearing a mask?�

MASKED AVENGER #1: �You always were a smartass.�

BRUJAH: �Potence 10. I punch the first Masked Avenger.�

MASKED AVENGER #1: �Ow.� [dies]

MASKED AVENGER #2: �We other Masked Avengers are not so easily thwarted! We shall have our revenge! Especially on you, Augustus!�

MASKED AVENGER #3: �Tremere!�

MASKED AVENGER #2: �Augustus!�

AUGUSTUS: �Can we get rid of these guys?�

TREMERE: �Sure you take care of the guy with the three eyeholes in his mask, and I�ll take the guy who says he�s my archenemy.�

MASKED AVENGER #3: �I, with the three eyes, am your archenemy, Tremere.�

TREMERE: �Whatever.�

AUGUSTUS: �Potence 10. I crush the guy with the three eyes.�

MASKED AVENGER #3: �Fortitude 10. I soak.�

TREMERE: �Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. I obliterate Masked Avenger #2.�

MASKED AVENGER #2: �Fortitude 10. I soak.�

BRUJAH: �Like the guest that won�t leave, aren�t they?�

AUGUSTUS: �I can handle this. Necromancy 10, Ash Path. I summon the spirits of those who have died tragically.�

SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED TRAGICALLY: �We are here.�

AUGUSTUS: �Explain your tragedies to the Masked Avengers.�

[The SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED TRAGICALLY do so]

MASKED AVENGER #3: �Oh, the Angst! I cannot *bear* it!�

[MASKED AVENGER #3 commits suicide]

MASKED AVENGER #2: �How fascinating. I wish to learn more.�

AUGUSTUS: �Spirits of those who have died tragically, return to the Shadowlands.�

[The SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED TRAGICALLY do so]

MASKED AVENGER #2: �I must follow them to learn more.�

[MASKED AVENGER #2 commits suicide]

ARIKEL: �Well, *that* took forever. But now it�s done. Now what?�

TREMERE: �Auspex 10 and Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. I incinerate Set in that corner he�s been hiding.�

[SET turns to ashes]

AUGUSTUS: �Letting everyone else do the fighting and taking out the winners? I am shocked, SHOCKED.�

BRUJAH: �Shocked that you didn�t think of it first.�

AUGUSTUS: �And I *deeply* deplore that.�

[MASKED AVENGER #1 appears]

MASKED AVENGER #1: �Prepare to meet final death at the hands of the Masked Avenger!�

BRUJAH: �You ever have the feeling of deja vu?�

MASKED AVENGER #1: �Constantly.�

ENNOIA: �Enough of this. Protean 10. Welcome to the sun, boys!�

TREMERE: �Hah! Thaumaturgy 10, Invulnerable Weakness!�

[MASKED AVENGER #1 goes *fwoosh*]

[BRUJAH goes *fwoosh*]

[MALKAV goes *fwoosh*]

[ARIKEL goes *fwoosh*]

AUGUSTUS: �Hah! You�ve played perfectly into my master plan! No, wait.�

[AUGUSTUS goes *fwoosh*]

TREMERE: �Thaumaturgy 10, Neptune�s Might. I extinguish Ennoia.�

[ENNOIA goes *fwoosh*]

TREMERE: �Woo hoo, I won!�

RAVNOS: �Forgot me.�

TREMERE: �You? Where the heck have you been?�

RAVNOS: �Keeping a low profile.�

TREMERE: �And you didn�t burn up in the sun?�

RAVNOS: �Fortitude 10, baby. And I�ll thank you not to kill off my mice.�

TREMERE: �PREPARE TO DIE!�

RAVNOS: �Not so fast! Chimeristry 10!�

TREMERE: �Chimeristry 10? You mean��

RAVNOS: �Yup. �Reality.� I�ll turn us all into a roleplaying game.�

TREMERE: �You wouldn�t!�

RAVNOS: �I just did.�

TREMERE: �NOOOOOOOO!!!�

[RAVNOS, TREMERE, and the corpses of the other antediluvians are replaced by a series of hardback and paperback game supplements]

THE END

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