pressconjournal

1/15/01
Over the weekend I managed to completely exhaust myself by both worrying about whether I�ll be able to pull this event off as well as becoming upset and overwhelmed by the entrenched homophobia that I�m trying to counteract. Because of my middle school experiences, a lot of the statistics and testimony that I encountered last week and over the weekend resonate with me on a very personal level. I try to tell myself to be proactive instead of getting upset, but by the time I finished my classes this morning, I was emotionally worn out.

1/18/01
I�m embarrassingly sore after my audition at the Ailey School yesterday, and very tired. But it occurs to me that it was good for me to spend a day without thinking about any of this internship stuff or anything gay-related at all. Lately I�ve been descending into the hyper-aware mindset that I have sometimes � I start to see racism, homophobia and sexism everywhere. On Tuesday I saw the Valentines� Day ads at CVS (with pictures of straight black and white couples) and thought �compulsory heterosexuality.� It�s a valid criticism, but it�s too exhausting to see things like that everywhere. Sometimes I need to shut myself up, and yesterday I was so focused that there was no room for me to think about anything besides dance. And having taken a break from my hyper-political mindset, I felt better prepared to tackle the task at hand.

1/22/01
Another day, another struggle to stick with what I�m trying to do. Several things that have happened at school, combined with the recent inauguration, made me frustrated and tired of being �a voice in the world.� I know that everything that happens is a consequence of doing what I do, that I can�t expect to stem the tide of prejudice that seems to be coming in at me. I know that I�m living the life that�s been given to me the only way that I possibly can. I just have to keep shouting into the roar of the tide. Yikes, what an awful metaphor!
Anyway, I exercised my authentic voice today by making a handful of phone calls that I�ve been putting off. (I still hate calling strangers.) Since the only responses we got from our latest call for speakers for the press conference were from white lesbians I emailed bunch of college students who are involved with Stonewall Speakers. I really wanted to have only high school students, but there are just not enough who are out. So maybe we can get some diversity from the college groups.
I called my rep to invite him to the press conference. He�s a Republican and he lied to me last year about his position on the co-parent adoption bill. (He said he would support it and then voted against it.) It�ll be interesting to see whether he shows up. As is often the case, he�s nice when he talks to me because I�m an articulate kid (which is apparently as rare a thing as a two-headed goat, the way people talk), but he doesn�t seem to actually listen to what I have to say.

1/23/01
I woke up this morning from a dream that someone had written �dyke� all over my books in the day stud room. It was one of those vivid, right before waking dreams where you think it�s real and my teeth were so clenched that I had a headache. The recent incident where someone defaced a bi student�s art project by carving a triangle with the word �pink� inside it upset me a lot, maybe because I�m absorbing much worse stories from kids I talk to in the course of this project and one more story, so close to home, was more than I could take. But I also feel uncomfortable at school now, not terribly so but I keep thinking that there are a few people in this wonderful community that I love so much and dread leaving who don�t think I deserve this gift of living and working at Miss Porter�s. I also feel a little guilty because people who might be afraid to pick on me or someone else who�s out will attack a closeted lesbian or bi student. Ultimately I have to laugh at the irony that the month I become a safe schools crusader, I see how unsafe my school could become. I have to use this as a reminder to be strong for other people who face things that are much worse.
I went to Robin�s office to finalize the fact sheet and some other details. In response to my worries about the speaker situation, she said, �Don�t worry. These things with young people usually come together at the last minute.� Fine, I thought. �Like the day before,� she added. Arrrg! I don�t like doing anything last minute. I think I need to accept right now that the next two weeks are going to be tough, as I try to get re-acclimated to a real workload at school and get everything ready for the lobby day, press conference, and training.
I wound up making 200 copies of the fact sheet and some other info to put into packets. We�ve decided to deliver packets to all the legislators who don�t actually attend. We also made an agenda for the meeting and came up with a rough schedule for sending the press release again (several times over the next two weeks).

1/25/01
I finished collating packets for the legislators and rearranged the space under my desk to make room for all 200 stuffed folders. There are stacks and stacks of fact sheets, agendas, phone numbers on post-its and miscellaneous papers everywhere. The 75-pound milk crate full of college brochures doesn�t help either. I can find everything when I need it, but I�m dreading the day when my family decides they want the family room back and kick me out. There�s no room in my bedroom for all this stuff.
I emailed Rep. Flaherty�s assistant with a description of the event for the Legislative Bulletin (the schedule of everything happening at the capitol that everyone reads.) I had a hard time coming up with a description that was truthful without being too negative. Plus I was worried that whatever I wrote would look stupid. I called Robin to read it to her but she wasn�t there. So I crossed my fingers and sent the thing, annoyed at myself for not being more confident.

1/26/01
After stressing yesterday about how much I had left to do, today I realized how much I have accomplished and how fast it is all approaching. The list of speakers for the press conference is about as set as it will ever be. I tried to contact everyone again to confirm one last time that they could still speak at the Capitol and hopefully attend the training. There�s no point in worrying about it. People might get sick, back out at the last minute, have transportation problems. None of those things are in my control.
Neither is how many people attend, whether we actually get press coverage or any of the other things I keep worrying about. I just have to stay on top of things for the next two weeks, keep in touch with Robin and Rep. Flaherty, and generally keep my head on straight.