A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his as up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?" "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of the season" Saint Peter said, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven on this holy day. The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a holy candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. What do these symbolize? Saint Peter asked. The man replied, "They're Carols"
A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous...."
So the Pope arrives at New York's Kennedy Airport, fully attired in his Pope regalia. He gets into a limo and laments to his driver that the biggest drawback of being Pope is that he has trouble doing fun things. Pope: You know, I haven't driven a car in 15 years. You think that maybe I could drive this limo around town a bit? Driver: I could get fired for doing this. Pope: Just 15 minutes. So the Pope gets behind the wheel and dons the chauffeur's hat. Five minutes later a police car pulls him aside for reckless driving. The cop immediately begins writing a ticket and then freezes as soon as he recognizes the driver. The cop returns to his car to call his captain. Cop: I gotta big problem. I started writing this ticket and then I discover I'm ticketing a very important, I mean very important, person. Capt: So who is this very important person, you gotta call me at 2 a.m.? Who is it, Mayor Guiliani? Cop: No much more important. Capt: So who is it? Mario Cuomo or Bill Clinton? Cop: No much bigger. Capt: So who, Frank Sinatra, Pavorati, who?? Cop: Captain, I dunno who da hell this guy is. But I tell ya this, this guy is so BIG, he has the freakin' Pope drivin' for him!!!!