i was debating whether or not to post this one, particularly given my aversion to crackpots who keep trying to foist their religion on me. plus, i haven't really finished it, and i'm not sure if i've edited out all the raw emotion parts yet. anyhow, if you don't give a shit abt what i have faith in or if you're not in the mood for it, don't bother reading this. it's mine and it's me and if you don't like it you can't complain b/c you went out seeking it
2-22-2003
(or 2-23-2003, but I wasn�t near a clock)
my life is like a story � my mind anyway. All the parts come together to form one complete, coherent whole. My intellect is being dominated, for now, by a book that�s riddled with motifs � there are too many, and even the best ones are used too many times. But it�s precisely that use of motif that has inspired me to look more closely at the details � the memories, thoughts, fragments that shape my interpretations of real events. That, in itself, is one idea that has wound its way through my unconscious, but others, too, are becoming apparent.
My dislike of church services � finally becoming coherent when I forced myself to explain, however inadequately, to Em
My study of Catholicism/orthodoxy � leading me to question what makes UUism a religion rather than a philosophy
Random scraps of reality, rattling in my head
And yet
They seem so right after tonight
My faith is in humanity
Inherent worth and dignity of every person � why? b/c together we make up humanity � goodness, purity
Respect for the environment in which we live � our goodness stems from our nature, our interdependence, our existence in reality, our lives
Free and independent search for truth and meaning � we can find truth, we WANT truth, we are good
I could go on
Our faith is not in our tenets � it�s in the assumptions those tenets make � that together (through democratic process in our interactions with one another) we make will exert our fundamental goodness, our humanity
Even the drunken mess that downtown becomes on the weekends has yet to truly shake my faith � I see friends carrying friends, recent acquaintances steadying one another � even in the depths of our stupidity we support one another
Those same ppl who carry one another, if faced with real need, real emergency, would help strangers
Granted, they wouldn�t be potentially getting sex out of it, but I can�t help but believe that the support they offer is instinctual, and the sex is merely learned opportunistic bullshit
What makes my faith strongest, though, are church events
Not b/c they�re church sponsored
Not b/c they don�t involve alcohol and are �good clean fun� but b/c ppl so joyously give of themselves
Perhaps a talent show is not the best example when I�m trying to universalize, but even so:
Each person who went on stage share a little piece of his or here soul
Cliff and his spontaneous willingness to sing an intensely personal song before strangers
The girl who sang out of joy � she�d clearly not been given voice lessons of the same caliber as Kirsty�s but she sang with the same pleasure
That amazing dancer who moved as provocatively as if every person in the audience were her lover
The boy who tried so hard to play his piece � and especially his father � the pride on his face was almost unbearable in its sincerity
There was such diversity in talent, in the people themselves
Most of them could�ve found other things to do
They could�ve gone to a movie (or a play)
They could�ve gone to sleep early
They could�ve been having sex
The first thing in their favor was that they chose to be there
No out of obligation, but out of desire
The second was that they shared
And sharing isn�t just giving, it�s receiving
Everyone left tonight a little richer
Clich�, I know
But how do I put it?
Our time wasn�t empty pleasure
Like a movie (a cheap Hollywood flick)
It was real
It was human
It�s not the source of my faith (faith has no definable root)
It�s evidence
It�s a reminder � a sign