I�ve decided to start my journal again. Not because of the predicted disaster � although this trip has been upsetting, it hardly rates as a disaster. This is because of one event that occurred a short time ago.
Right now, it�s 1:47 AM, Greek time. When Ted, Teddy and I arrived back at our hotel, the Herodion, Ted and I went to the elevator while Teddy went to the bar for water. As we waited for the elevator, three girls entered the hotel and walked over. By girls, I mean about my age. They were all rather good looking. I didn�t even bother to check what language they spoke. The five of us crowded into an elevator designed to comfortably hold two people. The door closed, I joked about the architect, the girls giggled, and chattered.
I watched the numbers, they watched me.
Normally, this is the part where I freeze. But I didn�t. I looked at them and smiled. They smiled back. When we exited the elevator (2nd floor, they were going to 4) I was giddy enough that I didn�t know which way to turn. I looked back to the elevator, and as the door closed, one of them said �You have nice eyes.� Ted says they were speaking Spanish, and that the phrase �Dios Mio� kept coming up while they were talking about me. I was too busy staring into the eyes of the girl in front of me to notice. When morning comes, I�m going to look for them and see if nice eyes are enough for a kiss.
None of this explains why I wanted to put this in writing. I think its because the moment seemed so ephemeral � as if not writing it down would cause it to have never happened. Also, it seemed important somehow, like it reaffirmed some belief in myself that I never knew I was missing. What frightens me is that it seems to be a very shallow one.
But maybe that�s what I�m missing. Maybe my cure lies in a kiss. I think I�m going to try and go back to New York closer to the way I used to be � random physical contact doesn�t seem like a bad idea.
I think that�s what I really want from Nathalie � the same kind of relationship I have with Sasha. I enjoy spending time with her, and I also find her physically attractive. But I don�t think a girlfriend is what I want right now. Sasha, Nathalie, Karina, Ayla � all varying degrees of familiarity and physical contact. I want to be able to meet a girl and just kiss her, and maybe never see her again. I want to find out which of my crushes are single and kiss them just once � just so they know, and just so I know that I have. I want to watch a girl�s eyes on Acid, make love to her on Ecstasy. I want to do something with the emotion that I�ve built up every time I�ve found someone attractive. I want to feel the press of someone against me, no matter what I�m doing. I want to live.
And it starts with a kiss.