http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=magic_nickel
well lets see, first off , the girl im with right now i love, ya i finnly love someone agian, its a wird felling to me been a little, and she thinks im hot , ya thats so cool, i get to see her a littl on the weekends but thats ok i guees, at lest i get to see her. but i do love her, im still working on haveint to prove it to her, but its sort of hard, cuase i dont know how, but im also a little mad, but thats ok i gueess i get that way somtimes, i just hope she dont take it personly, its just how i am, little things will set me off, but i havent like hurt anyone, just makes me desppered and hait my self, but its all good i usly do that anyway, she actlys makes me feel good about my self, and i want her to know thats shes speical to me and that i do love her, a lot.
Well i have takeing some time off , but im back, November 3, 8:32 pm
Well i do have a gf, but now that same one that i had when i last posted, all wird and all but i only get to see her like every weekend and stuff so that does sort of suck, but im sticking throw it and well see were it will end up, its been some fun times since now and then, shooot i think next time i post ill have to make a nother page, then itll go back word, that would suck, that means a lot of more work for me, im so sad, i hate work, oh well i have been working at updateing this place, oh ya a kid at my school killed him self, and a lot of my firends were effected by it, i knew the kid but not that well, all i can really say is im sad that it ended that way but sort of understand why, its just somthing that we will never really get over.
Ok well its like September 13, 10:58 pm, sorry it been some time,
wooo its been some time since i updated this, and im sorry, i dont think it really matters.oh well lets see, i have a gf right now, so that part of my life is doing pretty good. um i have school right now, so that sucks, it takes up a lot of my time. which i dont like, cuase i want to do more stuff to this, but i dont have time. but im trying to make the time, but then i got a gf, so i spend alot of time with her, and im trying to get out more and more now adays, so i know this is a sort one but tell later, peace and have fun any way you can.
Well lets see i just worte this one on June 20, 3:48 pm, i think thats when i started
Well life is going a little better. But now some of my friends are conserend about me and what i might do. But all and all im starting to tell them more about how im feeling and what is exactly going on with me. The other day was a pretty good day for me. I did somthing bad thow. I had a little bit of a cig. It gave me a little buzz for most of the rest of the night. It was over with be for I got picked up. But for once i couldnt really think. I didnt think about my problmes at all, but i did do some wireder things becuase i wasnt really thinking. But it actly let me see some stuff. Like just how much fun you can have if ya dont worry or think about ya problmes all the time. Now im not saying that ya should smoke and have a buzz all the time, oh no. I know what i did was worng, and it was somthing that i know i shouldnt do. What i mean is you have to deall with the problmes, and if that means tell people about them. Then thats what you need to do. For me i have to talk to many of my firends and also i need to sit down and talk with my self to figure out what i want, and what i want to do. I need to do some stuff that well help me, and not just helping others all the time.
This was my first post, i dont know when i worte it sorry.
My life is not that great. I really hate my life. I feel as though no one really cares about me that they just tell me that they do just to make me feel better which it does for sometime but now I just really want to feel wanted and loved. I'm always the one who is asking how people are and stuff. I wouldn't get any hugs in less I ask for them. Its like they don't want them and iI feel like I'm forcing them on them and they take pity on me and give me on just to make me happy not that they want too. It makes me so sad that I feel that I'm making them do stuff that they don't want to do but they don't know how good that makes me feel when I get a hug. To get a hug it makes me feel wanted and almost needed. That's the whole thing I don't think I'm really needed at all. I can go away for along time and when I come back they all are like I didn't know you where gone. How do you think that makes me feel that I'm not even missed or that they act like Iwasn't or that its not a deal at all that I'm there, that its like that this, oh your here well ok I will talk with you or let you hang around with us. I don't know how to tell them I don't know if they know that this is how i feel all the time but it is and I don't know how to tell them II don't feel wanted and that's why I'm sort of not coming around any more. Shoot if I'mnot wanted why should I be around at all. Why should be here at all I'm not wanted. I should just levee this place and let them go on with your life without this tag along. But I know if I tell them this they well go that ya that I am wanted but how would I know that they mean it. I feel so alone. Every one tells me that I shouldn't be worrying about who I'm dating or if I'm dating at all but when you feel alone all the time like I do having someone there is so nice. To have someone that you know that they some what acare about you becasue they are going out with you. But I don't want them to think that they have to go out with me to show me that they care but its like I get nothing to show me that they care. I'm the one that has to go to them to talk with them, or just to hang with them. I have to call them to talk to them duing the week. They don't come and talk with me, they don't hardly ever call me. It's like the only care or think about me when I'm thy'er hanging out with them. And yet I feel bad that I feel this way. My amily loves me and all. So I don't really have a reason to feel like this but I do. I need to feel something agian before it is too late and I'm gone. I can't take this for much longer. I have always had to be the one to go up to them and talk. I'mgetting sick of it. Its too much work on myself. I just give up. I'm not going to try to make them do stuff. I'm just going to go and be quite and not try to make them talk to me. I feel so alone like the walls are closing in on me all around me not letting me out. Its so quite in here, I can hear the darkness. I can acutely hear the night that is in my little place. It says things to me, things that only I can hear. Why can only I hear it? Why? Why? When I get a hug or someone comes up to me to talk to me its like a little bit of light coming in to my little world I just wish I could make it all light. Oh how do I wish I could have it that way. No on can see it becuase it is on the inside of me. I put a circle of light on the outside for every one to see. Only a few have had a look at what is going on the inside of me and not just the outside of me.