Apparently I wasn't very far off when I said these people are wannabe goth/punks but actually suck too bad to join either set. That's pretty sad. Before I continue let me just say that if someone's personality is naturally goth or punk (i.e, they've always been that type of person) then fine, I'm criticizing the people that emulate them because they think it will make them cool. Anyways these people I might even classify as wannabe "emo" which I'm sure you realize by now, is scraping the bottom of the barrel. The name of their album (I'm not sure how many they have and I don't care to check it out) is Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge. Now, I may have a few of the details wrong but if the person who had me sample this crap told me correctly, the entire album is set up as a long story. I thought that that was cool enough until he told me what the story was. Get ready for overused-plot-device-fest people because here it comes: A man's fiance� dies on/before the night of her wedding (overused plot device #1), and the man is obviously upset. So what does he do? He makes a pact with the underworld (overused plot device #2) because I assume she went straight to hell. The leader of the underworld (who I will refer to as Satan) decides to be nice(?) to this guy by helping him out by giving him back his fiance�. Oh, but there's a catch (overused plot device #3)! In order to get his fiance� back, the aforementioned man must do Satan's bidding (Overused plot device #4, see SPAWN). The once-again-bachelor must murder 1,000 evil men and bring their souls back to the underworld. Once he finishes Satan's busy work, he get's his fiance� back (overused plot device #5).
Now on the surface that might sound a bit harsh of me to criticize such a plot and it isn't. Apparently this guy succeeds (big surprise) in murdering 1,000 men who probably had it coming which somehow justifies murder which is against the law. Not only is this the most retarded justification I've ever heard, but it's not humanly possible for one man. Nobody is that skilled or that talented(?) that he can murder 1,000 men and not one of them kill him in the process. Apparently none of these men have ever heard of security, self-defense, or firearms. Obviously they know a little bit about the subject since they are in fact "evil men". So Cpt. Killing Spree somehow manages to pick the 1,000 most inept evil men in the world and somehow manages to murder them all thus effectively making him just as evil as the men he is murdering and in essence would have to kill himself. I'm wondering how he even did it. Unless he somehow manages to rent a large building and advertise an "evil-person convention", which somehow lures the dumbest evil-men in the world to it, locks it up, and burns it to the ground like Vlad III Tepes (a.k.a. Vlad Dracula) was reported to have done to the poor, sick, and elderly of Wallachia, there is no way he would have succeeded. And if he did, if I were Satan, I would be pretty pissed off for having 1,000 morons dragged into my underworld. Even if the guy killed one person a day, the task would take him about three years to do during which time I'm sure the police would have picked up on it. The story is retarded. I figure an interview with the band would go something like this (note: I have no idea what the names of the band members are so I'll be making up names for them):
Interviewer: So, tell me Pothead, how did you come up with the idea for your album?
Pothead: (takes a puff on his joint) Well dude, were were all like sittin' around just chillin and doin' some pretty hardcore drugs you know, and like we had just started our seance and crap and like we realized we didn't actually have any idea how to perform a seance so, like, (exhales smoke) we started thinkin' about contacting the dead and stuff and so like, we were all pretty trashed, right, and so we were also like, whining about the fact that we're a bunch of losers who can't get chicks because we have no mind of our own because we bought into the whole punk/goth/emo thing because we're stupid, and then like, our bassplayer, Crybaby, started talking about how like, if he ever did have a chick or something, I was pretty wasted like I said so I'm not even sure he said "chick" it could have been something that just rhymed with it, I don't know 'cuz I was hammered, and like (takes another puff)....holy crap the room is spinning around man, you better have somebody else finish this interview 'cuz I'm startin' to trip out man.
Interviewer: Okay then, tell us more about it Crybaby.
Crybaby: (while rocking back and forth in the fetal position while sitting in the chair, whining quietly) Well, I was whining about not having something but it wasn't a chick. But since you bring it up I don't have a girlfriend either since most girls think it's creepy that I wear more eye-shadow and eyeliner than they do. That makes me sad which is why I had a stupid tear tatooed on the corner of my eye* to express my deep sense of sorrow in my life (sniff, sniff). I thought that was pretty original and unique. Anyways I said that if I ever was about to get married, I bet she would die the night before the wedding because my life is only a vortex of pain and misery interspersed with sweet pain every now and then (quickly re-posistions himself after almost tipping the chair over backwards). And so...(sniff)...and so...(sniff)...and so...(sniff)...whaaaaaaah!!! I'm such a loser!! (begins sobbing uncontrollably)
Interviewer: How...very akward. Okay, well D&D junkie, will you finish this story up for us?
D&D Junkie: Sure. Well, I was sitting around trying to come up with another wicked-awesome plot for another D&D game while they were talking and I was having a hard time coming up with something and then I remembered I had all of my SPAWN comics with me. And while they were talking I thought, "hey why not come up with a pen&paper SPAWN RPG?" It was such a cool idea, and then I started talking to the guys about it and they gave me pink-belly and a wedgie followed by a swirly in the freshly used, unflushed toilet. And so then, after I laughed it off and added their names to my list of people I don't like, I told them maybe we could write a story about a guy who works for Satan, like a mercenary and then I started fantasizing about D-100's and elf-chicks, because fantasizing is as far as I'll ever get with a girl and even in my fantasies they sometimes tie me to the football goal and dump scorpions down my pants before beating me unconcious with a tire-iron, and then I add them to my list and...
Interviewer: And so then you came up with the idea of a guy working to get his fiance� back by murdering 1,000 total strangers?
Posessed Drummer: I�! I�! Cthulhu fhtagn! Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah-nagl fhtaga-**
Maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but who knows, it could happen. What's awesome about all of this is that means I can write sub-par songs about stupid crap, sell it, and make a lot of money off of it by selling it to losers. I don't feel like going into the crappy music they use since it's a wannabe knock off of Evanescence***, and Linkin Park. The only difference is the aforementioned bands don't suck out of control. Also, what kind of messed up name is My Chemical Romance anyways? I guess it's because they have a romantic attatchment to THC**** or good old fashioned acid. In that case they should be called My Chemical Dependancy (which would explain the messed up story and crappy music).
I've said it once, and I'll say it again: quit buying into this manufactured "coolness" that MTV is churning out. It's garbage. Especially this stuff by MCR. All it's teaching is that it doesn't matter how you get what you want as long as you get it even if it requires making a pact with the underworld and murdering people to get it. This is crap and it will always be crap. You know the rest. Get your own personality and your own tastes and quit letting MTV tell you what to like.
*I don't know if any of the members have such tattoo's but I wouldn't be surprised.
**This line is taken from H.P. Lovecraft's The Shadow Over Innsmouth. H.P. Lovecraft is awesome.
***I'm specifically referring to the Fallen album. Check out their past stuff too. Look up the albums on Letssingit.com.
****THC is the active chemical in marijuana.
