The other day I had the unfortunate mispleasure of hearing about an individual who decided that he and his friends didn't really like much of the philosophy and paganism of D&D or Everquest or whatever the heck they were doing. Rather than do something that made sense and...I don't know...quit playing the game, they decided to try and Christianize it. This isn't exactly something that I can easily envision being possible. This isn't to say that I didn't try. However, no matter how hard I've tried to visualize this type of crap, I keep visualizing rather hilarious scenarios, that couldn't possibly be able to be adapted to the Bible. For example:
As you wander the wilderness, be careful! You never know when you'll be forced into a random battle with the Amalekites, the Amorites, or the un-circumsized Philistines! Make sure you keep levelling up your nation, or else their contentment rating will drop and they will begin to gripe and complain, thus bringing down the wrath of God, and forcing you to wander for another forty years! Restore your hp by collecting manna. However, if you roll a critical failure, you disobey God, the manna spoils and your HP begins to drop steadily due to being poisoned. Gather the correct amount of manna the next day to cure yourself. The most life-threatening situation you will face however will be the poisonous serpents that go throughout the camp, biting and poisoning all they come across. Make sure you roll a high enough number or else you don't look at the brazen serpent and you die. Good Luck!
You are Moses, and the Egyptian army is closing in on your position. What is going to happen? Will you be able to roll a high enough number so that God parts the red sea, or will your luck screw you over and you're placed back into captivity in Egypt? If you succeed, you must keep rolling part checks to make sure that the Red Sea stays parted as you continue to roll dice to make sure that all 1,000,000+ Israelites make it safely across. Then, if you do succeed in all of your rolls, you must roll a one on the next part check to make sure that the waters collapse and kill the Egyptians. If you fail to kill them, you are once again taken back into captivity, thus effectively nullifying God's purpose for your life and thus changing the Bible, earning you a special type of judgement in Hell.
In order to actually follow this story biblically, you would actually have to roll a one at every key decision in his life. However you would have a bit of fun gathering foxes, tying their tails together, and setting the tails on fire and sending them through the fields. Also you get to pimp-slap people with the jawbone of a donkey. How frickin' cool is that? Other than that you have to live a horribly bad life until the very end in which case you have to roll high enough in order to collapse the pillars. So pretty much your life is marked by rebellion against God and you eventually commit suicide. Have fun kids!
Take control of David as you fight off wild animals from your flock before Samuel shows up to annoint you. Fight Goliath and spend much of your early life fleeing from Saul and hoping you don't roll any ones while avoiding Saul's army. Continue on and rule Israel for many years. Certain events will take place no matter what, such as killing Uriah and taking his wife for your own. If you try and avoid this, Solomon is never born and thus you totally screw up the messianic bloodline. Make sure you keep David alive or else the same thing happens, Christ is never born, and everyone goes to Hell.
In addition to other scenarios that must follow a certain path or else you change history and change what GOD said happened, for example, oh...I don't know...THE CRUCIFIXION! (Whoops! You rolled a 20 and accidentally summoned the angels of Heaven to whipe out all of the Roman centurions and therefore man never gets the chance for spiritual redemption because you screwed up and kept Christ from paying the price for you. Everybody goes to hell. Game over!), you can get special characters to join you.
After the collapsing of the walls of Jericho, you can get Rahab the Harlot to join your party. Yes, the Bible has once again omitted another scenario that your idiot DM has pulled out of his butt, because Rahab decides that even though God has spared her and her family, she continues on throughout part of the Old Testament journeying with the Israelites, helping them fight off their enemies. Her special technique is to be a spy disguised as a hooker and goes through the enemy camp spreading debilitating v.d. thus dropping their stats throught the floor faster than a bowling ball through a wet Kleenex��...?. What's that you say? She quit being a hooker? Ah, what does God really know about His own word anyways. The DM knows all and controls all and he can rewrite the Bible any time he wants.
That's right my friends, you can unlock the ultra-secret character of Tamar if you decide to be adventurous enough. Due to her character sheet, she is possibly the strongest character you can get in the Old Testament, but be careful not to have her step-brother Amnon in your party or else you'll have to roll rape checks every turn to make sure that she doesn't get ravaged by her perverted step-brother. Once this happens she will leave your party and you will never get her in your party ever again. However the chance of you keeping her in your party is very rare and since you have to basically re-write the Bible to do this....well nevermind the DM can do whatever he jolly-well pleases anyways. Go for it!
Wow. I can't wait to see what happens next. I can't wait for the Book of Mormon to be adapted to D&D or Everquest. Take the roll of Joseph Smith and pull an entire religion out of your butt and con people into following it by saying that it's part of Christianity even though anyone with a brain could see past the angel Moronai's name as a modification of "moron" which basically describes all those who follow it. It would be just as entertaining, accurate, and truthful as bastardizing the Bible for the sake of D&D. That would be just as good. Let the good times roll. Get it? Roll? IT'S WITTY! LAUGH DARN YOU!!
